No Rest

So awake. I can't close my eyes without thinking of how anxious I am, how much is coming soon, how much I can't control it. It's suffocating me in a way I find all too familiar. I can't remember the last time I felt this cornered, but I remember the feeling well. It was usually taken care of with lots of tranquilizers. Unfortunately that won't be the solution this time.

I'm sitting on the couch at 4 in the morning, awake since 3, watching television and wanting to eat. Nothing is satisfying, and labor is looming over my head like a rain cloud. It is a lot like waiting for the storm to arrive.

I stopped by work and talked to the person replacing me while I'm gone. I felt unsettled after doing so, feeling like if I left, everything I found comfortable in my career would suddenly disappear. I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread, watching this young girl remove all of my familiar things and replace them with her own.

The pain in my pelvis has come and gone over and over again, and now it's back, hanging out and communicating to me that something much worse is on the horizon. It's speaking to me and saying, "THINK THIS IS BAD?! HA HA HAAA..."

And the concerns, worries, anxieties, doubts...they're all here. Is the baby going to have Down Syndrome? Is the baby going to be sick? Is the baby going to take days to come out? Will I be suffering through the longest labor on record? Will my nurse be kind and gentle? Will my husband be awesome or awkward?

It's all spinning in my head at 4 in the morning. But by the time the sun rises again, I'll be back to normal, thinking about what we need for the baby's room, wondering what he's going to look like, excited about everything again. These sleepless nights are draining the sanity right out of me.