I hate you, Braxton Hicks

I hate you, Braxton Hicks contractions. You give me heart palpitations every time. And you're NOT painless, which you're supposed to be, you stupid fake contractions.

Braxton Hicks are supposed to be sporadic uterine contractions that can start as early as 6 weeks into your pregnancy, although you don't feel anything that early on. However, when you're in my state, around 33 weeks, you DO feel them. And they feel like something stretching, pushing, and cramping in your lower uterus. Basically, if you're me and have no experience with 3rd trimester pregnancy, you think "HOLY CRAP, I'M IN LABOR." You panic. You freak out.

Of course after some irresponsible Googling, I found that if you don't have them that often, and if they're infrequent, you're basically ok. More than four of these suckers an hour, and you may need to see your doc.

I'm trying all the remedies to try to ease the discomfort of the BH contractions, such as drinking a lot of water (dehydration causes BH), deep breathing. Baths are also recommended.

Eating s'mores is not on the list, but I find they help me tremendously. FYI.

No Slack is Given

We risked the Tut curse yesterday and went to the King Tut exhibit. It was amazing, although I had to sit every five to ten minutes. My feet began throbbing after standing for too long, and I thought my knees would give out under the new weight of my belly. This baby is truly testing my leg muscles.

I've noticed that people cut pregnant women very little slack, even ones in their 8th month like me. I saw occupied benches, and took to standing inches away from the seated people, longingly staring at them while looking like I was going to drop to the floor on my knees...no one moved. I finally told a young woman to MOVE BEFORE I SAT ON HER AND CRUSHED HER TO DEATH. She complied, and rather quickly.

Other annoyances with being in large crowds of people: Grandmas. Sorry, grandmas, but the staring and the weird magnetic pull you feel towards my belly is creepy. And the comments are even worse. One septuagenarian stared for a good two minutes, and then finally approached me with this dramatic and obnoxious comment: "WOW. WOW. HOW far along are you? WOW!"

She might as well have said, "YOU ARE MONSTROUSLY HUGE. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I AM SEEING. CAN I TAKE A PICTURE?"

It was not a pleasant moment, considering her stupid sentence was not followed by the appropriate, "You look wonderful. You must be thrilled."

I hate people.

Symptoms

Symptoms so far...

1st Trimester

Mild queasiness

Boobs!

Occasional gagging at night

Bloating

2nd Trimester

Frequent urination

Leg cramps that wake me from a dead sleep

Carpal Tunnel

3rd Trimester

Frequent urination

Constipation

Gas and heartburn, although not too bad

Inconsistent back pain

Fairly constant pelvic pain

Infrequent Braxon Hicks contractions

The constant urge to punch people who stare and make rude comments

Pelvic Pain in the Ass

The pelvic pain is intense, and it's the first truly annoying pregnancy symptom I've experienced since becoming pregnant eight months ago. For that, I know I should be grateful. However, being in constant pain makes it difficult to be thankful. Ugh.

It's hard to move a millimeter, which makes transport of my belly full o' baby virtually impossible for me on bad days. I've been brought to tears just trying to shift from one side to the other on the couch. Yes, it's really that uncomfortable.

But not nearly as uncomfortable as labor, and that is a pretty terrifying prospect. However, with labor comes a baby. With pelvic pain comes...more unrelenting pelvic pain and immobility. Giving birth is kind of like getting a prize at the end of all that horrible work. Pelvic pain rewards only get as good as the closest chocolate candy or cupcake you can reach before giving out.

Nightmares

Nightmares. I've had a few. But lately, I've been having terrible ones, mostly having to do with how terrible a mother I will be. Here is a list of the topics...be forewarned, they're hideous, and mostly unreasonable.

1) Running over the baby by backing over him in the driveway.

2) Forgetting the baby in the car in hot weather.

3) Dropping the baby.

4) Giving the baby something that he's not supposed to have which hurts him.

5) Rolling over on the baby in bed.

Other bad dreams include things I've seen on Law and Order and MTV Teen Pregnancy Nightmares. Yes, I just admitted I watch MTV.

I have been put on crime and reality show television hiatus by my husband as of last week.

Week 32, Month 8