Prick

After my acupuncture appointment today, I was aching. The points she hit were throbbing and sore, and I couldn't understand why it hurt so damn much this time around. My acupuncturist asked if I had been stressed out lately, as if that was the explanation for the pain...because it couldn't possibly be the fact she poked me with a NEEDLE. I considered her question for a minute and replied thoughtfully.

"Well, stressed, yeah. Maybe. Lesseeee...I had a miscarriage, so that's one thing. Then, I have to work for a pittance during an economic hell hole, that's two. And then my in-laws are visiting for 7 days beginning on Sunday...that's three. Then there's Thanksgiving with my dysfunctional Republican family next week. They'll be wearing black armbands because of Obama's win over their favorite sad grampa, McCain. OH, and my basal temps haven't spiked, so I haven't ovulated, and probably won't this month because of my psycho hormones. So, yeah. A SMIDGE STRESSED."

There was an awkward non-pregnant pause.

She took my pulse, said it sounded "great," and stuck me with another needle. I felt like the main character of Girl, Interrupted...depressed and aimless.

The only thing that made me feel better was remembering the other night when my husband absentmindedly tried to swallow an Airborne fizzy tablet instead of dissolving it in his glass of water like he was supposed to. He ran around the house yelling like a cat with a giant hair-ball stuck in his throat. He was chugging water at an impossible rate, trying to dissolve it, which was terribly amusing.

I nearly burst my kidney trying not to laugh, and even managed to ask him if he needed to go to the doctor. He just yelped at me, "DON'T TALK TO ME!!" and continued to run back and forth to the bathroom quickly with his distressed hands waving so fast and furiously I thought he might take flight. It was like having a Benny Hill episode come to life inside my living room...and it was awesomely funny. By the way, he's FINE, so I'm allowed to laugh hysterically now.

It's the little things that make life worthwhile.

Chinese Acupuncture Diet

My new fertility diet goes a little something like this:

No cow dairy.

No gluten.

No wheat.

No sugar.

No caffeine.

No alcohol.

No cold food or liquid.

No raw vegetables.

No fried food.

No peanuts. 

No shellfish.

No tomato sauce.

No spicy food.

So basically, I can eat air.  I suppose air isn't so bad, wish a dash or salt and pepper for taste.  Oh wait, I almost forgot.  

No salt.

Electric Boogaloo

I surged, but when I surged remains a mystery.  That is what is frustrating about the stupid OPKs and charting...nothing is certain, everything is debatable, all depends on the interpretation.

Egg white cervical mucus, high-soft-open cervix, ovulation pain...check, check, check.  OPK?  Negatory.  GRRRR and BOOOO.

However, I did manage to get in a few appointments with my two new acupuncturists.  On Saturday, I saw my Berkeley gal, whom seems nice enough with a slightly hippie vibe that makes me want to weave daisy chain necklaces and sing Dylan songs while she's poking me.  Every visit with her has been gentle, calming, and slightly otherworldly.  But this time, she brought out a machine and said, "So, we should try electrodes."

"What?"  My eyes popped open.  "You mean, like a car battery?  Are you going to jump start my uterus?"

After a good-natured laugh she said, "Kind of.  It's a low level voltage that goes into the needles.  It may help get your uterus to wake up."

I started to get nervous.  It was painful enough to be poked with needles and have them twisted, but electricity?!  "Is it...painful?"

She paused, looked at my wrinkled brow and said, "Well, it's like a massage."

A massage?  An electric massage?  How badly do I want this baby?  

I looked at her trustingly and nodded.  "LET'S DO THIS."

She attached the electrodes and turned on the machine.  The pulsing was weird.  It alternated from one needle to the next.  Then, it WAS like a massage.  The woman did not lie.

If I do get pregnant this cycle, I may be giving birth to Frankenstein.  It's alive!  A-LIVE!!

Pins and Needles

I had a headache on Thursday that just wouldn't go away.  On Saturday, I had my first acupuncture appointment ever, and I thought to myself, "A-HA.  If she's not a quack, she'll make this tumor in my brain disappear and my headache will go away!"  However, it wasn't exactly the magical hocus-pocus I was expecting.

My initial appointment with the acupuncturist was two hours long and surprisingly painful.  To those of you who told me the needles were tiny and I wouldn't feel a thing, I say to you, "BAH."  They hurt.  A LOT.

However, I liked the idea of trying something holistic and meditative to get my body to relax enough for this fertility Hell.  Since hard-core street drugs have been proven to be bad for pregnancy, I can't take any to deaden my pain.   Acupuncture is the next best thing, without the added birth defects.

But again, I must reiterate, the needles DID hurt.  It WAS NOT painless.  And YES I AM A BIG FAT WIMP.  I just can't stand any kind of pain at all, and I whined and cried about it until it was finally over.  I'm sure this woman is not looking forward to seeing me next week...or is purchasing ear plugs as I type this.

The experience was pretty interesting, I must admit.  It was far less stressful than any doctor I've visited in the past few months, and after an hour of intake, she pish-poshed the idea that I was too old to conceive.  In fact, she said it was ridiculous that any doctor would say that.  I think I love her.

She looked at my tongue and made the assessment that I was in good health, except for maybe some sleeping issues, which was true.  I guess the tip of my tongue is red.  That means something.  Don't ask me what.

She also instructed me not to drink anything cold...ice, ice cream, frozen yogurt, cold salad.  "You wouldn't bake a cake in a cold oven, now, would you?"  No.  I suppose not.  But I sure do love ice cream and cold water.  Boo.

After some needle twisting and poking, I was left to relax for a few minutes.  According to my husband, I fell asleep.  Apparently, the snoring gave me away.

And then I was given some gnarly Chinese herbs called Bupleurum and Peony.  They look like the size of a large fish pellet, and taste like one, too.  It supposedly regulates your hormones and your periods.  I'll take anything at this point to avoid another 33 day cycle.  That last one was pretty near God-awful.

So after the $125 (+$20 for fish pellets) initial acupuncture session, I left with my headache intact and a heavy feeling in my uterus.  I wonder if that means something is brewing down below.  My egg is supposed to pop in a week, and I admit it's a little like waiting for Santa Claus to drop down the chimney.