Le Sigh.

I feel my uterus getting ready to expel something, and it ain't rainbows and unicorns.  

I can sense a period coming, and I wish I so badly to be wrong...and this coming from a woman who claims to be all knowing and 100% accurate in all of her beliefs, answers, and "opinions."  I will say it until the cows come home.  I WANT TO BE WRONG.

But I just have "the feeling."  And if you have a vagina and a uterus, you know what "the feeling" is and I don't have to explain it to you.  For all you penis people out there, all you must know is that it sucks big donkey balls...especially when you're trying to get pregnant.

Every month it has happened since the miscarriage, I've been hopeful for the first seven days, after which I plummet into a  horribly depressed state for the next week until my period arrives.  It's akin to a mini miscarriage, in a way.  

For two weeks after ovulation, all I have done is grope my breasts relentlessly, hoping for pain and sensitivity, looking for that tell-tale sign of pregnancy.  Finally today, I stopped mid-molestation and realized I was getting to second base...with myself.

I think I need to rethink this and stop being a maniac about fertility.  Or at least stop touching myself inappropriately all the time.  

Oof

3 days into my cycle and I feel like a midget is punching me in the gut all the live long day.  It's such a gross feeling, and very unsatisfying as far as pain goes.  It's not like a paper cut, and it doesn't sear and burn.

The feeling is almost a numb pressure, like someone is giving me a bad pap smear.  But instead of beginning with a warning about a cold speculum and ending quickly with a snap of the glove, it's endless discomfort that travels through my stomach and even down my thighs, and all the way to my toes.  

If this was all pregnancy related, I'd be elated right now and celebrating every backache and twang of pain (cue Alanis Morrisette song), but a period deserves nothing but bitching and moaning and cursing.

Oh, and lots of cookies.  

Unwanted Visitor

I have this feeling of dread.  My boobs are big, my stomach feels tight and full of butterflies, my mood is swinging like Tarzan from a vine.  I'm expecting my period any day now.  It's coming, and it's going to be pathetic.  I'm preparing myself...but I just know I will be a miserable, sobbing, mess.  I'm also planning on cursing the Gods and praying for relief from this baby making Hell.  

I know I should have patience, but the fact of the matter is I can't.  I see my birthday as a dream-shattering landmark day.  I don't anticipate having many more months of trying, although people tell me to keep the faith.  If I am capable of getting pregnant, I will again be pregnant soon.

But I keep seeing the time slip away from me, and I wonder, how many eggs are in there, waiting to be released?  Harsh as it may seem, every period feels like a bloody mess of a sign that another one has passed me by.

Eeny Meeny Miney Moe

GLASS HALF FULL ME:  My breasts are big and tender!  I could be pregnant!

GLASS HALF EMPTY ME:  Or it could be your period.

GHF ME:  I'm bloated!  Pregnant!

GHE ME:  Or period.

GHF ME:  I'm feeling moody and pissed off!  I'm crying while watching the Olympics!  PREGNANT!

GHE ME:  Or your period is coming up.

GHF ME:  I'm tired...and pregnant!

GHE ME:  Or you're tired because the lining of your uterus is about to shed.

GHF ME:  White milky discharge is a sign of early pregnancy!

GHE ME:  Or your period coming.  Now stop molesting your boobs and shut up and eat this cookie.  

Abdominal Bloating

I'm bloated.  And not the kind of bloated that just looks like a little water weight.  My stomach looks like an expanded life raft.

But I am hesitant about making the pregnancy diagnosis this early on, considering I ovulated just last week.  That would be silly and not a little bit depressing if it wasn't true.  So I decided to believe it's something else until either my period arrives or passes me by.

After doing some irresponsible Googling, I noted what it could be.  Here is a comprehensive list, complete with witty repartee.

1.  Gas...possible, since I am full of it.

2.  Gastric Distention...also known as overeating.  That's a given.  And so likely it's silly to even discuss it.

3.  Gastric Dumping Syndrome...sounds scary and very, very wrong.  I refuse to believe I have this, and even if I do end up having it, I will never, ever admit it.

4.  Malabsorption...some weird medical issue that probably involves some sort of tumor or inability to go #2, which I don't have a problem with.  THANK THE BABY JESUS.

5.  Aerophagia or Air Swallowing...could be.  I do like air.

6.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome...yeeee-ah, no.

7.  Visceral Fat...yup.  Next.

8.  PMS...this is the most likely culprit, although I don't want to admit it just yet.  

9.  Alvarez' Syndrome or Hysterical or Neurotic Abdominal Bloating...this is a symptom for crazy people.  And although I am all kinds of crazy, I ain't THAT crazy.  Yet.  Check in on me in a few months.

10.  Massive Infestation with intestinal Parasites...gross.  If this is what is making my stomach bloat, (having been infested with parasites), I will gladly accept my period in its place.  Please, God, don't let it be parasites.  No whammies!  No whammies!

Aunt Flow

My period has finally arrived.  Sarcastic WOO.

But I'm also expelling a genuine WHEW.  I'm relieved.  My body isn't broken.  It's functioning the way it's supposed to, with bleeding and blood and everything.  Bleah.

And before I'm accused of being an ingrate, yes, I'm grateful for my period.  It definitely means I'm still fertile Myrtle.  It's a gift from God with a card that reads, "Woo!  You're a woman!" Menstruation is a monthly woman's day celebration of potential life, I know.  I'm very happy to have a super-plus tampon shoved up there.   However, I do feel like I'm being gyped out of party hats and cake.  

Please tell me the tampon isn't the party favor.  GAH-ROSS.