Official Stats

My period finally showed early this morning with a vengeance, thus ending this annoyingly long cycle.

Cycle Length: 33 days

Luteal Phase: 13 days

Ovulation Day: Cycle day 20

In case you didn't know, these stats kind of suck.  It's like batting .250, and although it isn't horrible, that still ain't good.  

Aside from that, the luteal phase was normal, which was a huge relief.  Anything lower than 11 or 12 days is considered troublesome.  

But 33 DAYS?!  Come ON.  For someone who has been spoiled with clockwork 28 day cycles for as long as I can remember, this was seriously fucked.  

The Cycle Endeth

Ridiculously curious, tested at 6 dpo: Not pregnant.

Closer to reasonable, tested at 10 dpo: Not pregnant.

Brownish-pink tinged CM, suspect implantation, tested at 13 dpo: Not pregnant.

Now I'm depressed AND broke.  Those pregnancy tests aren't cheap.

I've been feeling the pangs of my period threatening ever since I woke up this morning.  It's a bad feeling, knowing you've once again failed to conceive, and I can't imagine going through this again next month, and possibly the next, and the next...

Against all hope, I still have small pangs of the dreaded "what ifs?"  What if it's too early to test?  What if I implanted late?  What if I'm delusional and it's all just for naught?  

Regardless, I'm pathetically digging in my couch cushions for spare change so I can buy another EPT.  

The Hope and the Dread

There is that stinkin' feeling of hope every time I wake up in the morning and see clean undies.  My period is managing not to come on cue this month, which is either a cruel joke by the menstruation gods or...dare I say it?  No, I daren't!

The reason I "daren't" is the sinking feeling of dread that stifles the hope and kills any speck of happiness and joy in my otherwise mundane life right now.  I anticipate the period coming like a big ol' red flood of reality.  It's on the way, and I'm just hoping it waits a few more days so my luteal phase will be normal.

Ovulating late this cycle really fucked with my head.  I thought I was due on the 28th day of my cycle, as usual, but having ovulated on the 19th day, it's apparently pushing my Aunt Flow further away.  If it doesn't come by Tuesday, I'll be officially stoked.

I just wish the symptoms of pregnancy and periods were vastly and uniquely different.  As it is, they're nearly identical.  Sore breasts, tender nipples, backache, bloating, constipation, headache, cramps, and even bleeding, for cripes sake.  

Why can't there be a really obvious, surefire pregnancy sign, like you grow a third eye in the back of your head?  Now THAT would be cool.

Le Sigh.

I feel my uterus getting ready to expel something, and it ain't rainbows and unicorns.  

I can sense a period coming, and I wish I so badly to be wrong...and this coming from a woman who claims to be all knowing and 100% accurate in all of her beliefs, answers, and "opinions."  I will say it until the cows come home.  I WANT TO BE WRONG.

But I just have "the feeling."  And if you have a vagina and a uterus, you know what "the feeling" is and I don't have to explain it to you.  For all you penis people out there, all you must know is that it sucks big donkey balls...especially when you're trying to get pregnant.

Every month it has happened since the miscarriage, I've been hopeful for the first seven days, after which I plummet into a  horribly depressed state for the next week until my period arrives.  It's akin to a mini miscarriage, in a way.  

For two weeks after ovulation, all I have done is grope my breasts relentlessly, hoping for pain and sensitivity, looking for that tell-tale sign of pregnancy.  Finally today, I stopped mid-molestation and realized I was getting to second base...with myself.

I think I need to rethink this and stop being a maniac about fertility.  Or at least stop touching myself inappropriately all the time.