Cycle of Strife

Aunt Flo has gone back to Florida (uterine lining-land) and I have started thinking of peeing on my hand again (ovulation testing.)  BOY AM I EXCITED!*

(*This is a lie.  I'm dreading it.)

The thing about ovulation tests is that I almost look forward to them, until I actually have to do them, and then I hate them.  That is, I hate them until they're positive.  Then, I LOVE 'EM!

But nine times out of ten, there's nothing.  Just one little blue line.  No matter what time I pee, it's always negative.  Waiting for a LH surge is like looking for the Loch Ness monster.  You know it's been seen before, but when you're there staring at the lake, it never surfaces.  There's only so much peeing on one's hand one can take, dammit.

I can only hope that my uterine lining builds up like it's supposed to, after one period, as my doctor suggested.  I can only hope the egg and sperm have a romantic date and get it on.  I can only hope I don't get pee on my hand when I use the ovulation kit.

Unlike cupcakes and Law and Order marathons, peeing on my hand gets old REAL quick.  It's akin to stale vaudeville jokes and seat kickers in the movie theater.

Ugh.

I can tell I'm getting older because my tolerance level has dipped, along with my patience.  I'm getting sick of everything in quick order.  For instance, I sure am getting sick of peeing on my hand.  

Now, I don't just go into the bathroom, stick my hand in the toilet and pee.  I'm trying to track my ovulation.  This requires me peeing on either a) a little stick or b) into a Lilliputian sized cup. Unluckily for me, this is a sure-fire way to get urine on my hand.  No matter how careful I try to be, I always end up grossed out and disappointed.  

In addition, I can't seem to drop an egg to save my life.  It's not that I'm necessarily hoping to be impregnated so soon after miscarrying.  I'd just like to see that everything is in proper working order.  For some reason, I want to be comforted by a positive ovulation test.  It's the only thing that makes me hopeful right now, and I'm really counting on that little test line to be "equal to or darker than" the reference line soon.

Also, when it happens, I can stop peeing on my hand.  That's more key than the other crap.