Unwanted Visitor

I have this feeling of dread.  My boobs are big, my stomach feels tight and full of butterflies, my mood is swinging like Tarzan from a vine.  I'm expecting my period any day now.  It's coming, and it's going to be pathetic.  I'm preparing myself...but I just know I will be a miserable, sobbing, mess.  I'm also planning on cursing the Gods and praying for relief from this baby making Hell.  

I know I should have patience, but the fact of the matter is I can't.  I see my birthday as a dream-shattering landmark day.  I don't anticipate having many more months of trying, although people tell me to keep the faith.  If I am capable of getting pregnant, I will again be pregnant soon.

But I keep seeing the time slip away from me, and I wonder, how many eggs are in there, waiting to be released?  Harsh as it may seem, every period feels like a bloody mess of a sign that another one has passed me by.

Eeny Meeny Miney Moe

GLASS HALF FULL ME:  My breasts are big and tender!  I could be pregnant!

GLASS HALF EMPTY ME:  Or it could be your period.

GHF ME:  I'm bloated!  Pregnant!

GHE ME:  Or period.

GHF ME:  I'm feeling moody and pissed off!  I'm crying while watching the Olympics!  PREGNANT!

GHE ME:  Or your period is coming up.

GHF ME:  I'm tired...and pregnant!

GHE ME:  Or you're tired because the lining of your uterus is about to shed.

GHF ME:  White milky discharge is a sign of early pregnancy!

GHE ME:  Or your period coming.  Now stop molesting your boobs and shut up and eat this cookie.  

Abdominal Bloating

I'm bloated.  And not the kind of bloated that just looks like a little water weight.  My stomach looks like an expanded life raft.

But I am hesitant about making the pregnancy diagnosis this early on, considering I ovulated just last week.  That would be silly and not a little bit depressing if it wasn't true.  So I decided to believe it's something else until either my period arrives or passes me by.

After doing some irresponsible Googling, I noted what it could be.  Here is a comprehensive list, complete with witty repartee.

1.  Gas...possible, since I am full of it.

2.  Gastric Distention...also known as overeating.  That's a given.  And so likely it's silly to even discuss it.

3.  Gastric Dumping Syndrome...sounds scary and very, very wrong.  I refuse to believe I have this, and even if I do end up having it, I will never, ever admit it.

4.  Malabsorption...some weird medical issue that probably involves some sort of tumor or inability to go #2, which I don't have a problem with.  THANK THE BABY JESUS.

5.  Aerophagia or Air Swallowing...could be.  I do like air.

6.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome...yeeee-ah, no.

7.  Visceral Fat...yup.  Next.

8.  PMS...this is the most likely culprit, although I don't want to admit it just yet.  

9.  Alvarez' Syndrome or Hysterical or Neurotic Abdominal Bloating...this is a symptom for crazy people.  And although I am all kinds of crazy, I ain't THAT crazy.  Yet.  Check in on me in a few months.

10.  Massive Infestation with intestinal Parasites...gross.  If this is what is making my stomach bloat, (having been infested with parasites), I will gladly accept my period in its place.  Please, God, don't let it be parasites.  No whammies!  No whammies!