Cuddles

HUB:  (snuggling up after eating a fruit-sicle)  *smooch*

ME:  (sniff)  You smell like guava fruit and horny.

Sexy

HUB:  (snuggling up to me)  Rrowr.

ME:  Waitaminute.  Aren't you hungry for dinner?

HUB:  The only thing I'm hungry for is YOU.

ME:  What, you don't have an appetite?

HUB:  The only appetite I have is for YOU.

ME:  (making sucking noise)  You hear that?  That's my vagina drying up like the Sierra.  

FYI for all of you husbands who are trying to impregnate your wives...

SEXY:  Back rubs, kissing, walks on the beach, holding hands, hot talk, telling her she's gorgeous.  All sexy.

NOT SEXY:  Burping the alphabet, drinking Bud Light, any flatulence from any where.  Picking toenails/fingernails/teeth/bellybutton lint while watching The Travel Channel on TV.  Imitating Guy Fieri from Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network and saying "That's AWESOME" when referring to anything to do with getting it on...decidedly NOT sexy.  

Brrrr...

Creature Comforts...Guantanamo Bay-Style

I think I will name this post "Conversations with my girlfriends that go horribly, horribly wrong."  It will be the first in a series of phone calls I've been having lately that have made me feel like I need a Silkwood shower after hanging up.  

GIRLFRIEND:  I'm so sorry about the miscarriage...that's so sad.  I'm so sorry.  Are you feeling ok?

ME:  Yeah.  It was pretty brutal, but I'm feeling much better now.  

GF:  Oh, good.  How did it happen?  I mean, how did it happen?  When did you know?

ME:  Well, I had some bleeding.  I thought I was just spotting.  But then, it turned into cramping, and more bleeding.  And then, it just...

GF:  Did it come out?  Did it look like anything?  I mean, did you see anything?

ME:  ...what?

GF:  I mean, did it look like...

ME:  ...uuum...

GF:  When did it come out?

ME:  ...uh, it came out over the course of a week or so, but yeah, IT came out later on in the week.  

GF:  You SAW it?

ME:  Well, yeah.  It was pretty traumatic, going to the bathroom to pee.  

GF:  ...what did it look like?

ME:  ...SIGH...ok, it looked like a little clot, and it was attached to stringy stuff.  It was really gross and I really don't like thinking about it.  Thanks.

GF:  Oh my God.  Wow.  I'm so sorry.

ME:  Yeah, ME TOO.

Click.  

Aaaaand scene.