Heartbeat

We had our appointment first thing in the morning, and after emptying my bladder I was handed a robe and asked to wait for the doctor.  

The sonogram machine was prepped and ready to go, complete with KY on the tip of the "wand."  Suddenly, the nurse came in and STOLE OUR SONOGRAM MACHINE.  "I need this for a minute."  She said, and wheeled it out of our room.  I continued to sit bare-bottomed on the examination table, clicking my tongue and feeling like I may throw up at any given moment.  My nerves were giving me Hell, and I was getting pissed off at the nurse for prolonging my anxiety attack.

Finally, the doc came in and apologized for the wait.  She poked me with her fingers a little, and then unceremoniously inserted the KY wand.  

"Did you empty your bladder?  I see a lot of liquid here.  The shadows are making it hard to see...but there's the heartbeat!"

And there it was.  Flicker, flicker, flicker.  Plain as day.  Clear as can be.  The once-quiet husband suddenly perked up and said, "I see it!"

I looked over my spread eagle open legs and was so quiet the doctor asked if I could see everything.  I started to smile broadly, and audibly exhaled some stale air that I had been holding in my gut for weeks.

After measuring, it seemed we were off by two days.  The embryo is 6 weeks 6 days.  I tried obsessing over the days, but the doctor was strict and promptly told me to "cut it out."

Tough love doc then told us everything looked fine.  She'll see me in a few weeks.  Basically, it was the best Kaiser visit ever.  

Now we're off to Costco to buy more photo supplies.  It's the first picture we have of the blueberry and we're running out of printer ink.

Milestone #1

The first ultrasound is tomorrow morning and I'm scared witless.  So many things to think about, yet so many things I have absolutely no control over.  Being a control freak, this poses big problems for me.

We may or may not see a heartbeat.  We may or may not hear a heartbeat.  At 7 weeks, it's an unknown.  But I do know that if there is a heartbeat and if everything measures correctly, we will have a 17% chance of miscarrying again, which is better odds than I began with.  That's because I have a history of miscarriage and I'm ancient, apparently.  For young lithe fertile women, chances drop to 3%.

The embryo should measure about 8mm at 7 weeks and be about the size of a blueberry.

If everything goes as planned, we'll be taking pictures of the ultrasound screen like Japanese tourists.

If not, I probably won't be posting for a while.  My head will be buried in a hole for about a week until I recover.  

Countdown to Sonogram #1

I have been experiencing what can only be described as female "wet dreams,' without the wet or the dream.  It's happened twice so far while I was sleeping, and it's gotten me up out of bed from the sheer discomfort.  It hasn't been what I'd call enjoyable.  It's actually painful and quite gnarly.  It feels like my uterus is burning through my pelvis.  

So of course I looked up "orgasms early pregnancy" on the Internet and saw many different opinions about the dangers of your uterus contracting in the early months.  On the one side, orgasms are considered perfectly safe after implantation, and increases blood flow and endorphins, which can be good for the fetus.    

On the other side of it, a contracting uterus can trigger the lining to shed.  If your uterus continues to cramp for more than a few minutes, you may have a problem.  Fortunately for me, that's not an issue.

I'm considering the options:  Freak out like a wacko?  Or relax and take it easy until the 31st...the day of the 7 week sonogram?  

I'm leaning towards "freak out."  

Waiting to Exhale

My HcG numbers are great, apparently.  46, 270 at 6 weeks is considered on the high side of the scale, so I'm definitely sighing relief.  

In other news, I feel like I may barf at any given moment.  And it's not full blown nausea.  It's queasiness, which is like an expensive date that doesn't put out.  Tease.

It's not the most pleasant feeling on the planet, and the lump in my throat seems to move every time I move an inch.  It's unnerving, to say the least.  

So I'm investing in some ziplock baggies and I'm going to carry them around with me in case of vomit.  Seriously, I feel like it's right there, ready to say hi.

I'm also holding my breath until the 31st, when we have our first sonogram.  I think I'll completely exhale this stale, paranoid air out of my lungs when I see the fetal pole...maybe even a heartbeat.  Dare I dream?

Some News is Great News

The results are in.  At six weeks, HcG levels should measure anywhere between 1,080 to 56,500.

My HcG levels are 46,270.  

Everyone exhale.  Whoo.

No News is No News

No news from MyMedLabs.com, so I sent them a note asking when the tests were to be expected.  The problem:  My blood was drawn on the 23rd of December, right before the big holiday.  I'm sure they're not going to be in for a while.

Nothing much has changed.  The breast soreness has returned, I'm sleeping a stupid amount throughout the day, and there's that tugging in my uterus that came back.  I'm not feeling so much nauseous as queasy.  It's like I'm on the verge of feeling sick, but just not there yet.  

At this point in my first pregnancy, 31 dpo, I was spotting blood and miscarrying in the middle of the night.  The anniversary hasn't escaped me, and I think about it constantly, especially when I'm in the bathroom checking for the signs of something gone horribly wrong.  

Meanwhile, the countdown to the big sonogram has begun.  I will be at 7 weeks by the 31st, and every site on the web that has anything to do with being pregnant and sonograms says you will be able to hear a heartbeat by then.  However, being me, I am not getting my hopes up.  The idea of going in expecting to hear that glorious little beating and then hearing nothing at all instead makes my heart ache.  

Most likely, the doctor is going to check for uterus size, shape, and the fetal pole.  That's what I'm hoping to see more than anything else at this point...hope that it will all work out.

I'm not even sure I want to see the HcG numbers from the blood work, actually.  If they're low, I'll be crushed.  But if they're high, I'll be ridiculously happy.  There really is no in between, no happy medium.   

(For the record, at 5 weeks LMP the numbers should be 18 - 7,340 mlU/ml.  At 6 weeks LMP the numbers should be 1,080 - 56,500 mlU/ml.)

So while I'm waiting, I'll keep feeling myself up, making sure everything aches and hurts as it's supposed to.  That's always entertaining.

Superstitious Christmas

I spoke with my mother today and she told me she had a pregnancy dream.  She said she dreamt she was picking a bunch of red flowers in a field.  I spent the next two hours thinking about what that dream interpretation would be...red flowers.

After some irresponsible Googling, I found that it could be a number of things:

1)  In Asian culture, red is the color of luck, good fortune, and happiness.  General prosperity.  In Japan, if it's a red monkey, it is considered a color of fertility and childbirth and expels demons.  Good monkey.

2) With crystal healing, red is associated with infertility and impotence.

3) General dream interpretation says that dreaming of the color red indicates fertility and love.  It reveals the ripeness and readiness of a womb.

I refuse to take crystal healing seriously, so everything looks good for mom's dream.  Go mom!

Week 6

Unconventional Means

I did something a little unconventional.  After my freakout about disappearing symptoms yesterday, I finally called one of the local fertility clinics and asked for beta testing.  Of course, they promptly said, "No."  Apparently, my doctor's signature holds more weight than I thought, and crosses medical borders into independent clinic land.  Damn it.

But after listening to my sob story about recurrent miscarriages and the like, the receptionist recommended something I'd never heard of before.  There is a site online called MyMedLab.com that will take your blood, test it, and post it on your account, all for bargain basement prices.  Sounds weird?  It is.

I went on the site and looked up HcG.  They  had the test available for the low online price of $56.  I whipped out my credit card and immediately signed up.  

After printing out the order, I was sent to the local MedLab for my blood draw in the Castro, where a very nice, gay, ex-Navy man drew my blood.  It was absolutely painless.  Remarkable, considering my aversion to needles.  I literally felt nothing.  I love that man.

So in a few days or less, I will see my results.  If my HcG levels are low, I'll anticipate a potential miscarriage.  If they're sky-high, I'll be at ease...for now.  

Of course, I'm praying for the latter.  You should be, too, btw.

Week 5, Day 4

The soreness in my breasts has been less noticeable in the last two days.  This morning, I felt the dread of impending miscarriage as I went to the bathroom.  No blood, but a pregnancy test yielded a lighter line than the day before.  Also, my temperature dropped today.  And something inside feels empty.  There's no pulling or tightness in my abdomen.  

I'm preparing myself for the worst.  I know it could be nothing, but in the past when I've given myself false hope, I've been devastated by the outcome...not that a third miscarriage wouldn't be devastating with all the warning in the world.  Somehow, I just imagine it would be easier to bear if I was expecting it, and it wasn't so freight-train-ish.

I keep thinking I pushed myself too hard.  This must be the reason.  I'm not resting enough.  Maybe I'm out of good eggs.  Maybe my body isn't meant to bear children.  None of it is comforting, but being logical is the only recourse I have at this point.

We shall see.  The worst part of this is that I have to see what the day to day results are.  No beta testing means no hard results.  

The Game of Waiting

I feel like I'm waiting for fate to punch me in the face.  Every time I feel the urge to pee, I panic.  What if there's blood?  What if I wipe and there's blood?!  It's enough to make a girl never want to pee again.

The symptoms are still around...sore boobs, bloating like a life raft.  But that's all there is.  No nausea, no nothing.  I'm feeling normal, except for the occasional tightness in my uterus, feeling like something's stretching or making room.

Every twinge of even the slightest pain makes me break into a cold sweat.  Every temperature drop makes my eye twitch.  If the pregnancy test comes back with a fainter line, I want to burst into tears.  I am a paranoid crazy person right now.  I probably will be pretty unbearable to be around until the ultrasound on the 31st.  

I'm distancing myself from happy.  I can't be happy.  It doesn't feel safe.  

Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but I picked up a face-up penny off a sewer grate today.  I also find myself being nicer to people I hate because I think maybe, just maybe, someone up there will have mercy on me and grant my wish for a healthy pregnancy.

And yes, I'm talking about Santa.

5 Weeks for the 3rd Time

My Geriatric Pregnancy

Since I am over the age of 35, I am categorized as an "advanced maternal age" pregnancy.  So was Halle Berry, so I am in good company.  

But the problem isn't the category, it's my history of miscarriage.  I've lost two consecutive pregnancies, and being pregnant for the third time isn't quite as joyful as it should be.  My paranoia and fear is constantly breaking me down, and trying to build up my confidence is a daily chore.  

I dread going to the bathroom.  I can't imagine finding blood in my underwear again.  I don't know if it would kill me or finally make me not care anymore.  I expect the worst so I won't be torn down by the possibilities.

Doctor's Orders

Since I'm now petrified to move, use the bathroom, or uncross my legs, I asked my OBGYN for beta testing, which tests HcG (human growth hormone) and progesterone levels. My doctor promptly said no.

"It would not be helpful to do HCG levels or take progesterone. Would you like me to book you for an ultrasound appt? When was the first day of your last period?"

I wrote back and tried to get answers as to why beta testing wasn't a reasonable request.

"I believe I ovulated on the 25th. My last period was my miscarriage, which was on or around the 29th. I think I'm close to 4 weeks, but the fetus is probably only 2 weeks along.

So beta testing isn't helpful in seeing how the pregnancy progresses? I thought HcG levels were supposed to double or triple every day."

She wrote back with another vague answer.

"According to your dates, you will be 6 weeks on 12/23 and 7 wks on 12/30. I would recommend you have your appt the week of 12/29. Will you be off work that week? I could see you 12/31---would that work for you? If so, what time? HCG levels are not helpful unless we are concerned about ectopic pregnancy---in other words, even if they rise as they should, they do not assure us of a viable pregnancy."

I wrote back that I thought HcG levels were always used in fertility cases or cases of multiple miscarriages.

"I am curious about HCG levels, because I thought that they should be doubling, and if they are not, your pregnancy is most likely not going to be a viable one. I know my friend who is going through infertility issues at a fertility clinic has been tested every day since conception.

Sorry to be difficult, but I'm looking for either reassurance or a warning of impending miscarriage. The emotional toll of the last two were extremely hard to bear."

She wrote back and even more vague response.

"I understand your fears and am sorry. Having HCGs does not warn of impending miscarriage. Your friend is in a different situation. I will schedule you at 9am on 12/31 to see me and have an ultrasound."

So I did what any petulant child would do...I tattled on her to my general practitioner, whom I trust implicitly. She wrote me back the very next day and treated me just as a strict parent would a bratty child.

"The ultrasound is very sensitive and gives a lot of information that the BHCG by itself cannot. The blood test is cheaper and easy, but again cannot give you information about location, structure, heartbeat, etc. Dr. XXXX is also an excellent, nationally recognized OB./gyne (in fact, she is the doctor for doctors, meaning all of the pregnant doctors use her), so I would trust her judgement as she knows best. I know that having miscarriages is unnerving (as I've also had a few), but Dr. XXXX will only act in your utmost, best interest."

So now I wait. Three weeks seems like an eternity. Time, which once passed at the speed of a bullet train, has now slowed to an excruciating crawl. I whined about time, and wished for it to stop moving by me so quickly, I suppose. Irony at its worst. Be careful what you wish for, for you may surely get it.

4 Weeks...and Some Serious Deja Vu

Three Time's a Charm

12 dpo, and I'm looking at a faint line on an early pregnancy test.  Yes, I'm pregnant again.  Three weeks, five days, to be exact.  

I woke up the slumbering husband at 6:40 a.m. and showed him the stick under light.  He mumbled quietly, "Oh my God, I see it." and then passed out again.  He is currently snoring away downstairs, happy as can be.

But am I happy?  Yes!  Joyful, in fact!

Am I terrified?  Yes!  Scared shitless, in fact!

After two consecutive miscarriages, I'm sitting here, legs tightly crossed, vagina clamped shut, trying to WILL that embryo to stay in place and grow.

I emailed my doctor and asked for HcG and Progesterone testing to see how the pregnancy progresses.  She may or may not comply.  I may have to destroy her if she doesn't.  

My main concern is not freaking out every second of the day until I get a good ultrasound of the baby's heartbeat.  My stress levels must stay low, and I have to keep my anxiety at a minimum. 

Pass the Xanax.  And the brownies.

Two Week Wait Redux

CD 38.  Sore boobs.  And I'm eating my weight in food, like, every day.  If I'm not pregnant, I have a serious issue with emotional eating.

Fertility Friend has told me that the probability of me being knocked up is 90 points out of 100.  I have no idea what that means, but I love getting good grades.  That's an A-, right?

Either way, the final straw was today...11 dpo, and a negative on my early pregnancy test.  

SIGH.  Back to the sexy time, I guess.