Bloody Gross

Well, something showed up. The "bloody show," or otherwise known as the "mucus plug." It really did live up to its name. Pretty darn gross.

It showed up yesterday as a glutenous glob of thick brownish cervical mucus with some bits and pieces of dark brownish stuff. I immediately said to myself, "FINALLY. Something different is happening." And then I sat and waited for labor.

And waited. And waited. Nothing.

So I googled "mucus plug" and "labor" and the stupid results all said that it could take up to two weeks for anything to begin. GREAT NEWS! And by great news, I mean NOOOOOO!!!

More of what we affectionately refer to as "the goop" showed up this morning, so I'm still hoping something will happen. We shall see.

Testing

I am seriously grumpy. This four days late crap is getting me down, not to mention making me immobile. I can't move without pain, can't even lift a finger without discomfort because of the carpal tunnel. I can't drive because I can't reach the steering wheel any more. No kidding. Yes, my belly has grown out so much I CAN NOT REACH THE STEERING WHEEL. This is getting ridiculous.

So here I sit, stewing in my own hatred, nearly wetting my pants every twenty minutes, waiting, waiting, waiting. The cramps are few and far in between, and the Braxton Hicks are nearly indistinguishable from terrible gas, WHICH I HAVE IN SPADES. Hub used to think it was cute...he now leaves the room in a hurry.

I have watched more crappy television that should be allowable by law. If I see one more stupid cat food commercial I may do something horrible. The next person who calls me to ask "Have you had the baby?" or to say "Get your sleep now because you're never going to sleep again! HAR HAR HAR..." is going to be punched in the neck.

Also, what is up with TV!? Every show I see seems to be about pregnant women being kidnapped for their unborn child. Bones? Pregnant woman kidnapped. Law and Order? Pregnant woman kidnapped. MTV? Pregnant woman kidnapped. Animal planet? Pregnant bonobo kidnapped. The moral to this story? Don't answer Craigslist ads offering free baby crap. You will be kidnapped for your unborn child.

I am now getting texts, emails and voicemails every hour on the hour. They range from people I know well to family to people I have not seen for years. All of them leave the same pressurized message..."Is he here yet?" NO HE IS NOT HERE YET.

You will know when he is coming, though. I anticipate screaming bloody murder throughout labor, and you will most likely hear me from my hospital bed.

3 Days Past Due Date

Hey Baby,

I'm waiting. What's going on? You're obviously enjoying yourself inside my uterus, but now you're so big you're kicking my ribs. It's making me drop my food as I try to pass it to my mouth, which is unacceptable.

Here's the deal. You should come out tomorrow. Either that or consider yourself grounded before they even cut the cord.

Love,

Mommy

No Rest

So awake. I can't close my eyes without thinking of how anxious I am, how much is coming soon, how much I can't control it. It's suffocating me in a way I find all too familiar. I can't remember the last time I felt this cornered, but I remember the feeling well. It was usually taken care of with lots of tranquilizers. Unfortunately that won't be the solution this time.

I'm sitting on the couch at 4 in the morning, awake since 3, watching television and wanting to eat. Nothing is satisfying, and labor is looming over my head like a rain cloud. It is a lot like waiting for the storm to arrive.

I stopped by work and talked to the person replacing me while I'm gone. I felt unsettled after doing so, feeling like if I left, everything I found comfortable in my career would suddenly disappear. I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread, watching this young girl remove all of my familiar things and replace them with her own.

The pain in my pelvis has come and gone over and over again, and now it's back, hanging out and communicating to me that something much worse is on the horizon. It's speaking to me and saying, "THINK THIS IS BAD?! HA HA HAAA..."

And the concerns, worries, anxieties, doubts...they're all here. Is the baby going to have Down Syndrome? Is the baby going to be sick? Is the baby going to take days to come out? Will I be suffering through the longest labor on record? Will my nurse be kind and gentle? Will my husband be awesome or awkward?

It's all spinning in my head at 4 in the morning. But by the time the sun rises again, I'll be back to normal, thinking about what we need for the baby's room, wondering what he's going to look like, excited about everything again. These sleepless nights are draining the sanity right out of me.

DUE

Ok. Now what? Hello in there? Waiting patiently. Nothing. Nada, zip. The doc checked up there and said there was nothing going on, so what's the deal?

I've obviously made it far too comfortable for you in there, little boy. Now it's time to bring out the big guns. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Indian food for dinner.

Week 40

Nothing?

It's been a week or so since my last appointment. Went for my first pelvic today, which was AWESOME, and by awesome I mean REALLY NOT GOOD.

I've never had a person stuff a hand that far into my nether region before. It was quite the experience, and not in a good way. But the reason she had to push so high up was that the cervix was not anywhere near the area it should be for labor. That means, I'm not effaced, not dilated, and NOT HAVING THIS BABY TODAY. ARRRGH.

Now, technically, I'm not due for a few days still. I should be patient and wait for the lil' dude. But seeing that it's getting more and more difficult to move up off the couch to reach sustenance, I was kind of hoping for a little progress at this point.

Another appointment is planned for next week, along with a sonogram to make sure there's enough amniotic fluid in there for the baby. At that point, I will officially be late by about a week, although the doc says I could be as late as 2 weeks without inducing. Blarg. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just typing that.

In other news, I lost a pound. Whaaa...? I eat ice cream sundaes every day for a week and I lose a pound?!

Obviously, the universe has turned inside out.

Tuesday Would Be Good For Me...and You?

Hey Baby,

Tuesday would be good. If you could get yourself ready for Tuesday, I would be very happy with that. Again, that's TUESDAY. This Tuesday. As in 4 days away.

The reason? You know that nice doc that keeps pushing on you and checking your size and where all your parts are? She'll be on call Tuesday. We like the doctor and we want her to deliver you. Don't we? YES WE DO.

See, if you don't come on Tuesday, the doc won't deliver you. Some stranger resident doctor will be there to deliver you. Hopefully he won't be like a messed up House or Grey's Anatomy or ER type doctor, because really, do we need all that drama at your birth? I think not.

So again, I can't say it enough. TUESDAY. At a reasonable hour. I'd like to get some sleep first, and maybe have a good brunch. THEN you can come out. And don't take too long, either. 24 hour labors are not ok with me.

Thanks, baby! I know we'll get along famously once we get this labor/birth schedule under way.

Love,

Mommy

Home Stretch

Oh baby. It's so close, yet so far. Every day has become a serious challenge. There's discomfort in every move I make.

The anxious feeling that started brewing in my gut a while back has become more of a gnawing fear. I'm starting to get questions about the level of my excitement about the baby and the only answer I have is, "Hub is way more excited. I'm more petrified and exhausted."

The pain of the Braxton Hicks contractions have been a nice little preview of what horrible pain is to come, and I haven't been enjoying them at all, although my acupuncturist has said they are a good sign that everything is getting ready. The more I have, she said, the faster the labor will be.

Today was another doctor's appointment. They're every two weeks, and no pelvic exam is given until you are officially overdue, which is fine by me. The idea of someone poking around down there right now is not appealing in the least.

I weighed in at 181...three pounds gained in two weeks. Not terrible, but a lot more than I was expecting, even though I know I've been eating my weight in food on a daily basis. My appetite is huge.

Baby is moving around and pushing on my uterus to the point of ridiculousness. If I lie on my back and look down at my stomach, it's completely lopsided to the left side. He definitely doesn't listen to me at all at this point, because when I say, "HEY. BACK IT UP, PAL!" he just ignores me, nuzzles into my side, and makes an even bigger cliff.

The doctor asked to today if I was going to have an epidural during labor and I said, "Yes, oh yes, please, yes." Hub said that we chose that option before we even chose the color of the nursery, to which she asked, "Oh, what color did you pick?" I answered quite seriously, "Epidural colored." We are not afraid of the critics. We just want it to be a little less than excruciating.

As for the baby dropping, we had two opinions...the acupuncturist says "Definitely dropped. Do you feel like you're carrying a bowling ball in your pelvis?" Hmmm...no.

The doctor pushed around today and tried to feel the baby's head. She couldn't. She said, "I think you may have dropped, but honestly I can't say for sure. But last visit, I could clearly feel his little head. Now, it's not so clear. I think that means he's nestled in there." Hmmm...not exactly the certainty I was looking for.

Come ON baby. We would like a Tuesday night delivery, please.

Week 39

Feeling Excited...and GROSS.

Ugh. Have you ever felt like you just can't get clean enough? That's how I feel every day when I wake up. Stinky. (Yes, pregnancy occasionally makes you smell funny.) Unable to resolve the tremendous gastrointestinal issue. Having to change my underwear every few hours because of "pregnancy leaks." Too much information? DON'T I KNOW IT.

At one point I just realized that it was just grossing me out. On top of gaining weight all over my face and suddenly realizing this third chin may not want to go away any time soon, I feel exhausted by the extra poundage. It's a lot to carry around and it's getting to me.

I realize I'm pregnant and waiting for a beautiful baby to come. It's not that I'm delusional and thinking I will magically Heidi Klum my way into a bikini a month after giving birth. I just feel kind of disgusted with myself at various times of the day. I hate seeing myself in the mirror some days. Pictures are a no-no. Everything that reflects is banned from my view for now.

Now, these days of disgust are not the norm, but they hit like a mac truck and they're not fun for the ego. Not to mention showering is now a real chore. I can't take one without almost killing myself by slipping on the water.

How low have I sunk? I need supervision to take a shower.

NO DOI.

I can't come close to expressing how SICK I am of people who tell me the following...and please keep in mind that I'm running on empty here. I literally get 3 hours of sleep a night, if I'm lucky.

1) Get yer sleep now, while you can! HAR HAR HAR!

YES I KNOW. How many times do you think I've heard this one? A dozen? A hundred? It's getting to the point where I'm literally walking away mid-sentence whenever I hear it. It's EVERY DAY. And it seems like the teller of such a nugget of wisdom thinks it's hilarious to tell me this, like it's my payback for some unknown bad karma I acquired in a past life.

2) You will NEVER see a movie in a theater again! See all the movies you can now!

YES I KNOW. You can't bring a baby into a theater, I KNOW THIS. In fact, I am one of those people who roll their eyes when they see a parent with a kid walk into Wolverine or Transformers. It's really not something I expect to do with my own kid, which is why I have Netflix.

3) You should eat out now while you can. You will never have a dinner alone with your husband again.

YES I KNOW. A baby makes it hard to eat at a romantic restaurant. It's not hard to understand that. I'm not delusional and I'm not crazy.

4) Your life will never be the same. Have fun now while you can.

NICE. Thanks for the notice. Like having a baby will suck the fun out of my life forever. GREAT TIDBIT. I feel sorry for your children, being the succubus spawn they are in your life. Sheesh.

5) You'll be changing diapers and they'll be stinky and gross.

Not even going to respond to this inane comment except to say DUH.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't mind advice, when it's good advice, full of love, generosity, and good intentions. However, the above do not count as any of that. It's really getting to the point where I'm sick of talking to people who have nothing good to say about having a baby.

I spoke with a friend the other day. She has two kids. I mentioned my gripes about people giving their "advice" and she said, "Oh I totally remember that. I always thought those people were kind of mean."

Mean and obviously looking for members to join their MISERABLE PARENT'S CLUB. I, for one, do not plan on being one of those members, thank you. It took some trials and tribulations to get to this point...I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Yes, I know what that saying means. And yes, I'm older than rocks.

Week 38

Sleep? What's That?

The contractions are off and on, and range from mild to "HOLY HELL WHAT IS DYING INSIDE ME!?"

But the real problem is the lack of sleep. I've been dozing off at 3:00 a.m. and waking up at 6:00 a.m. only to eat a quick breakfast with my husband before he goes off to work. Then, I fall back asleep watching television at 8:00 a.m. or so and then wake up at 11:00 a.m. It's about 6 hours of sleep altogether...but not a solid, deep sleep. It's hard to get some rest when Angel is on (6-8 a.m., channel 37...fyi.)

I have no idea what is keeping me up at night. It may be the anxiety of the labor and birth, as I have never been one to give up control in my life, if at all possible. However, I don't dwell on it constantly, nor do I obsess about the pain that's coming. I just know it's there, and it weighs on my mind occasionally.

Or maybe it's the worry about the baby being ill or having down syndrome. I'm definitely terrified of either of those prospects, not because it would make this baby less loved, but because I wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do if that were the case. That is one surprise I don't want to experience.

Either way, I'm up. I'm really awake. And after noon on any given day, I'm exhausted. It's become a frustrating cycle.

On the other hand, baby seems to be enjoying the insomnia. He does a little jig every time I get out of bed and says, "HAY, I LOVE IT IN HERE!"

Eviction notice is looming, baby. Get packed.

Contractions

I had massive discomfort last night for the first time ever. It was continuous for a few hours, and the contractions lasted a minute or so, but then it stopped. I don't believe I'm in labor...no mucus plug, no bloody show, no water.

But the pain was considerable, and it felt as if my uterus was about to be squished like a tin foil ball by invisible hands. It was enough to make me cry out and lose my breath.

And I certainly don't want to hear that "Oh, labor will be SO much worse than that." I know that already. It's not reassuring to be reminded of it. And it certainly doesn't make me feel better.

Ugh. I have been awake for hours with only a handful of sleep. I need a nap. Zzzzzzzzz...

Unanswerable Questions

I worry about the fact that I'm older. I'm having what's technically known as a "geriatric pregnancy." Insulting? You betcha! But any woman over the age of 35 is doomed to have this scribbled over and over again in their doctor's notes. Underlined and highlighted, even.

So with this coming up in nearly every conversation I have about the baby, I was asked the other day by a relative, "Well, why didn't you start trying earlier?"

The tone wasn't merely inquisitive, it was accusatory. WHY on EARTH would you choose to wait? YOU, madam, are a MORON.

Instead of exploding into a violent rage, I actually stopped this time. I thought about it. Why did I wait? Why did I take the chance I did that I would be too old to have a baby? What made me think it would be ok to be nearing 40 and giving birth to my first born?

The thing of it is, there is no answer. I don't know why. I can only guess about my feelings year after year. In reality, I never really thought about it. Time just...passed.

I have excuses, sure. I was busy with my career, my life, school, marriage, relationship issues, doubts about money, women have babies in their fifties, I was ignorant about age and fertility. All of them are valid excuses, really.

But here's what really happened. Honest.

I never wanted to give birth to a child. I always wanted to adopt, ever since I was very young and saw a picture of a North Korean orphanage with children, stomachs bloated because they were starving. I wanted to take one home when I was ten. I still want to, every single time I think about it.

I never had that urge that most women start getting in their twenties and thirties. That clock just never started ticking for me. Maybe mine was silent, digital, batteries dead.

In my twenties, I wasn't even sure I was going to be a mother. The thought never even crossed my mind.

In my thirties, I knew I was going to adopt children, two, perhaps three. I never thought I wouldn't. It was a certainty.

And then, my forties crept up on me. My husband and I talked about it from time to time, with nothing done about it. We just talked and thought and talked and contemplated until finally, I was 37 and looking at an international adoptions website. There it was in bold lettering...MAXIMUM AGE OF PARENTS ALLOWED. We were nearly at the limit. I got nervous.

At the same time, my gynecologist appointment came up. She took a minute of our appointment to say, "Y'know, if you're thinking about having children, now is the time to do it."

At a silent auction one night, I saw a listing for an initial counseling session with a top adoption lawyer in our city. It was priced at $500, but no one had bid, so it had been marked down to $75. After the husband agreed it was a good deal, I bought it. We made an appointment a few weeks later. This is what we found out.

Adoption is incredibly expensive. It's not guaranteed. It's always a long process, and it's an emotionally painful experience full of uncertainty and ridiculous amounts of paperwork before it's the joyous, incredibly fulfilling journey you'd always dreamed of. All of it seemed doable. I was prepared for the difficulty of the adoption process.

But the money was what stopped me dead in my tracks. $30,000 to adopt in the U.S., even internationally would cost us close to that amount, plus travel expenses and time off to make multiple visits to the country. Either that or hire someone to do it for you, which cost just as much if not more. In addition, international adoptions are notoriously difficult due to the corruption of the governments that are placing strict rules and restrictions on adoption in their countries. In other words, you may pay out the nose with a terrible result...no baby and nothing you can do about it.

I made a very quick decision that week. I told my husband, "I know you've always wanted a biological child. If you really want one, now is the time to do it. It's literally now or never."

We started trying that week. And off on our journey we went. The husband was ecstatic, grateful, and beyond the clouds excited. I felt no doubt I had made the right decision.

But it was the most painful choice I've ever made in my life. Having this baby was, in a way, letting go of my adoption plans. I was making a choice my whole heart and mind had told me my whole life was the wrong road. I had to choose. Either way, adoption or pregnancy, my time was simply running out.

So I think my belated answer to the question "why" would be that I didn't wait. I chose to live my life. I chose to be who I am today through my experiences. I was happy with that choice until people told me I should have done things differently.

I believe I will be a mature parent, yes, but a grateful one. One that keeps in mind that fate brought a child to me. Fate brought me to the auction. I bought that adoption lawyer time because it was "on sale." If it hadn't been, I wouldn't have touched it. And if that lawyer hadn't been so thorough in explaining all the costs we simply couldn't afford, I probably would still be waiting to adopt right now, naively thinking it would happen eventually, not considering that time would catch up with me sooner than later.

My journey is mine. I take it with an open mind and heart. There is no map to follow. That is the adventure. Frustrating and beautifully engineered.