Statistics and Numbers

Two recurrent miscarriages is a cause for alarm for people trying to conceive, especially if you're over that "magic age" of 35.  However, doctors want to wait for at least three to consider expensive testing and drug therapy, which is aggravating and infuriating.  Two isn't enough?!  How about two in a row?!

I looked up some factoids, which means either nothing or something.  But here's what I found:

5% of couples trying to conceive experience two miscarriages in a row.  

You still have a 60% chance of carrying a baby full term if you have two in a row.

Genetic factors, structural abnormalities, hormonal factors, and blood clotting disorders can all lead to miscarriage.

Chromosome analysis, anticoagulants, and hormone therapy can be used to treat these issues successfully.

The Internet may not be the best resource for information, I agree.  So here are my factoids, coming from experience.  I start worrying when the following events happen:

1.  If the pregnancy line that was positive yesterday becomes "less positive" the following days (more than three days in a row.)  In other words, the pink/blue line gets lighter and lighter as the days go on.  Theoretically, it should get darker.  Many say it depends on the brand and how much dye is used in each individual stick.  They also say the HPT is a measure of YES or NO, and not a quantitative measure.  I disagree.  It measures HcG, so I believe it should get darker every day, as your HcG numbers should double and/or triple every day.

2.  If the pregnancy symptoms quickly disappear over a period of one or two days.  In my case, my breasts were painful one day, and less so the next.  My nose was running like a faucet one day, the next I was dry.  My sleeping patterns also changed abruptly...I was waking up at 5 in the morning every day like clockwork until suddenly I was sleeping in late.

3.  Spotting.  I wiped after going to the bathroom and saw a pink tinge of blood.  There was no cramping or clots, just a little smear of blood.  

Most sites are comforting, and tell you it's implantation bleeding.  If it happens later than 10-12 days past ovulation, it's probably not implantation bleeding.  

The blood turned red the next time I wiped, and I looked up "breakthrough bleeding" online. Although this is a common issue in early pregnancy, it's also a big sign of threatened miscarriage.  At this point, I just knew it was gone.

Even though I know the facts, and I know my body, I still keep looking for answers everywhere.  The only answer I've found is that there are no answers.  The reality of miscarriage is that sometimes there is nothing to blame.  It just happens for no apparent reason, other than my age working against me.

Everything I read looks depressing and hopeless at this point.  But I am still bleeding and cramping today, so this may not be the smartest thing for me to be researching.  

I've always been the type of person who is comforted by knowledge.  But this time, I think ignorance may be bliss.

The Opposite of Grey's Anatomy

I went to the ER, per the instructions of the advice nurse at Kaiser.  I had originally called to get an appointment with my OB/GYN.  Instead, I was quizzed about my symptoms and sent to the dreaded emergency room, aka: purgatory.

I bled heavily in the early morning, but by the time we arrived in the ER 90 minutes later, I wasn't bleeding that much and the cramping had subsided considerably.  I walked up to the thick window with the "health care provider" sitting behind it looking bored and said, "I'm here because I was told to be here."

"Reason for being here?"  The lady asked, obviously uninterested.

"Miscarriage."  I said clearly.

"What?  You're scared?"  She replied loudly.

"No.  Miscarriage."  I repeated into the hole.

"What?"  She said again, just as loud, as if I was the one with the hearing issues.

"I SAID MIS-CARR-IAGE.  I'M HAVING A MIS-CARR-IAGE."  I nearly yelled.  

She looked sour as she asked for a $50 co-pay and told me to sit down to wait for my turn.  I looked around and saw that we were the only people in the room. Sighing, I sat and waited...and bled some more.

The ER is a horrible place to have a miscarriage, in case that wasn't a well known fact.  I was dreading going in the first place, but after arriving, I was horrified when I realized I was going to experience my emotional trauma there, in the waiting room, while watching  "Three Men and a Little Lady" on TBS.  Talk about adding insult to injury.

Once I was inside and sitting in a hospital gown, I was attended to fairly quickly.  I guess 7 in the morning is a good time to be injured and in need of medical help.  The older asian ER doctor attempted to be kind and encouraging, although when she said, "You'll PROBABLY be able to have a baby someday" wasn't exactly the most comforting thing I've ever heard.  

I had to have a speculum inserted and my cervix was checked.  It was closed, as that happens when you miscarry...it opens and closes periodically to let through tissue and blood.  

Then, she said I'd have to have an intra-vaginal ultrasound.  I shuddered at the thought.  She took the machine out, which was "the older machine," and looked helplessly for a condom to put on the stick that would be probing my insides.  After a good three minutes of opening and closing cabinets and doors, she found one.  Meanwhile, the stick had dropped onto the floor.  She just picked it up and unrolled the condom, ready to proceed.  I was mortified.

"Um.  The stick dropped on the floor."  I said from my uncomfortable position on the table, legs sprawled in stirrups.  She simply put the condom on, spread some goop on it, and stuck it inside.  

There was nothing there to see.  It was all a white haze.  No empty sac with fluid.  Nothing.   The white haze was the blood ready to expel.  I was ready to leave at that point, knowing there was really nothing else to hope for.  This was obviously not "break-through bleeding" or "implantation bleeding."  This was "2nd miscarriage bleeding."

The male nurse came in to take some blood to measure HcG in my system.  The needle couldn't find a vein, so he left quite a pretty little bruise on my arm.  I was stuck a few times before providing enough for three vials.  I'll be coming back to the lab in 2 and 4 days for more blood, just to make sure my levels are decreasing consistently.  If they increase, it's more likely to be an ectopic, which would be very bad and require surgery.

I'm hoping I won't need a D&C, as I was "lucky" in that way before.  Although I have never had one before, it seems invasive, intrusive, and a little scary.  I'd rather pass the tissue naturally, and wait for everything to come back to normal, hopefully sooner than later.

The day has been slow going.  I took two days off of work to repair what's broken in my uterus and head and heart.  Thanks for the messages of love and hope, by the way.  You know who you are.  I'll be talking to you as soon as the bleeding subsides and the trips to the bathroom are no longer so traumatic.  

Why?

I guess there is no easy way to write another miscarriage post, but here goes nothing.  

I don't know what to think at this point.  I'm spotting bright red blood, and hoping against hope it's not a miscarriage when down deep I know it must be.  I felt it yesterday, when I doubted it was real and imagined my symptoms lessening.  

Also, the pregnancy test I took in the morning was such a light positive I could barely see it anymore.  It was like a phantom pink line, nearly invisible.

I'm taking the rest of the week off, but I'm hoping this time it won't be nearly as painful.  It's a horrible thing, the anticipation of waiting for something this morbid.  But I want to be prepared for it this time, instead of the last time, which hit me like a truck.  

So I'm waiting for the worst period ever.  Again.  I wish this wasn't happening, and I wish I was 25 years old with my whole fertile life ahead of me.  This makes life seem impossibly short, and my chances for conception nearly unattainable.  

Panic

Week 4, day 4.

Red blood spotting.  No clots.  No cramping.

Pure panic.

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

I didn't think it was possible to be more paranoid than usual, but here I am, watching The Omen on television, thinking to myself, "Eep!  If I watch this, will it rub off on the 4 week old embryo and make it a devil baby?!"  (clicking off TV)

Everything means something, although I thought I was wise enough to know better than to believe that bunch of hoo-hah.  But what if I stand next to the microwave while I wait for popcorn?  Two-headed baby?!

I've been remarkably calm for the last few days, although I attribute that to exhaustion and fatigue.  Falling asleep at 7 p.m. means less time during the 24 hour day available for freak-outs.  I can't seem to keep my eyes open past Oprah nowadays.  

Miscarriage has been in the back of my mind since conception, and I admit I look up the occasional factoid online.  Today's little nugget of knowledge:  

A woman who has one miscarriage has the same chances of a healthy pregnancy as a woman who has had no miscarriages.

  

Good nugget. 

Waiting and Hoping and Wishing and Praying

Have you ever wished your boobs hurt?  I do.  I wish there was some sign of pregnancy this early in the game.  I'm unofficially at four weeks, one day, and I don't feel anything except an occasional soreness.  That just isn't good enough for me.  I need SERIOUS pain.

Although I did get a pang of nausea two days ago while trying to eat scrambled eggs.  It washed over me so quickly, I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit on the floor in front of me.  But the nausea quickly dissipated and now I feel fine.

Since all the awful signs of pregnancy are a good thing to feel when you're uncertain, it's hard to imagine having something growing inside my uterus right now without pangs of worry and dismay.  

The acupuncturist gave me several affirmations.  I'm supposed to pin them all over the house and at work and read them to myself daily.  She said this is not the same pregnancy, and that I should see it as a whole new experience.  And although it is a different pregnancy, I see the similarities, too.  I feel the bloating, the tender stomach, the early morning rise...five or six in the morning every day since I tested.   Obviously, I need to let go of the past and look toward the future.  Easier said than done.

Painful boobs would help right now.  I don't trust the bloating symptom.  Bloating could just be the tamale I ate last night for dinner.

Week 4

Here we go again.  Week 4...again.  Hoping against hope...again.

It's hard not to be concerned, anxious and/or worried about the pregnancy, considering I'm in that "age group" where doctors refer you to the high-risk gynecologist for a talk.  I've been watching the pregnancy test lines and monitoring them for "pinkness."  It's ridiculous, yet I am compulsive about peeing on that stick every morning, just to make sure it wasn't all a mistake.

The acupuncturist was the happiest I've ever seen her.  She smiled big, gave us a hug, and congratulated us like she knew it was going to happen all along.  All the while, I just cringed and tried to smile.  Why can't I be happy?

By breasts are slightly sore, but nothing like the first pregnancy that miscarried.  I'm bloated, or perhaps just indulging in some seriously emotional eating.  But who can tell?  It's all up for grabs at this point.

I do feel the pings and pangs in my abdomen that tell me to keep hope alive.  It's there, I can feel it.  And it's trying to let me know to stop fussing and relax...which just indicates to me that it's already bossy.  

A chip off the old block.

EPT and Heart Palpitations

I've been poked with acupuncture needles, choking down Chinese herbs, pre-natals, and warm tea, depriving myself of cold drinks and raw vegetables for months.  I waited 12 days past ovulation and then couldn't take it anymore.    I tested, believing it would give a negative result so I could prepare myself.  I didn't want to go to work, get my period, and then cry like a little punk.

The digital test came free with my box of ovulation tests, so with a grimace, I used it.  The results were not ambiguous at all...PREGNANT.

The husband jumped up and down and proceeded to perform a funky, disturbing little lap dance.  I had a hard time believing it again, so I took another non-digital pregnancy test by EPT.

NEGATIVE.

WTF?!  Now I was both pissed and upset.  Husband calmly went to the store to pick up another brand of pregnancy test, First Response.

POSITIVE.

HUH.  No kidding?  Pregnant?  Seriously?  At this point, I was afraid to be happy.  And to some extent, I'm still feeling that trepidation.  Don't get me wrong...I want to be excited.  But at 14 days past ovulation, and with extremely light positive lines barely showing up, I'm hesitant to celebrate.  What if it goes away?  What if I miscarry early?  What if it's a blighted ovum?  What if?

So the "What If's" don't go away after you actually do conceive.  They stick around to torture you and ruin your good time while you're pregnant, too.  It's like someone peeing in the pool at the YMCA.

Unexpected

Chinese Acupuncture Diet

My new fertility diet goes a little something like this:

No cow dairy.

No gluten.

No wheat.

No sugar.

No caffeine.

No alcohol.

No cold food or liquid.

No raw vegetables.

No fried food.

No peanuts. 

No shellfish.

No tomato sauce.

No spicy food.

So basically, I can eat air.  I suppose air isn't so bad, wish a dash or salt and pepper for taste.  Oh wait, I almost forgot.  

No salt.

Late Ovulation Opinions

I have an opinion.  Ovulation is considered late if it is later than 21 cd.  This is my official opinion after some extensive irresponsible Googling done on medical and pregnancy sites.

I ovulated on the 20th day, supposedly, but my luteal is normal, as far as I can tell...13 dpo.  This is key, apparently, because if you ovulate too early or too late, your egg has not matured correctly and the possibility of having a normal, healthy pregnancy decreases significantly.  

So keep in mind, you can conceive a normal, healthy zygote if you ovulate on cd 21.  Don't listen to the seemingly millions of posts from "expert" ttc moms-to-be who have experienced what they consider late ovulation.   Just keep on keeping on, and stop thinking about it so damn much.  (Talking to myself, here.)

Electric Boogaloo

I surged, but when I surged remains a mystery.  That is what is frustrating about the stupid OPKs and charting...nothing is certain, everything is debatable, all depends on the interpretation.

Egg white cervical mucus, high-soft-open cervix, ovulation pain...check, check, check.  OPK?  Negatory.  GRRRR and BOOOO.

However, I did manage to get in a few appointments with my two new acupuncturists.  On Saturday, I saw my Berkeley gal, whom seems nice enough with a slightly hippie vibe that makes me want to weave daisy chain necklaces and sing Dylan songs while she's poking me.  Every visit with her has been gentle, calming, and slightly otherworldly.  But this time, she brought out a machine and said, "So, we should try electrodes."

"What?"  My eyes popped open.  "You mean, like a car battery?  Are you going to jump start my uterus?"

After a good-natured laugh she said, "Kind of.  It's a low level voltage that goes into the needles.  It may help get your uterus to wake up."

I started to get nervous.  It was painful enough to be poked with needles and have them twisted, but electricity?!  "Is it...painful?"

She paused, looked at my wrinkled brow and said, "Well, it's like a massage."

A massage?  An electric massage?  How badly do I want this baby?  

I looked at her trustingly and nodded.  "LET'S DO THIS."

She attached the electrodes and turned on the machine.  The pulsing was weird.  It alternated from one needle to the next.  Then, it WAS like a massage.  The woman did not lie.

If I do get pregnant this cycle, I may be giving birth to Frankenstein.  It's alive!  A-LIVE!!

Oh Where, Oh Where Can My LH Surge Be?

This is getting annoying.  My LH surge is again non-existent, and I am resting on my laurels waiting once more, waiting for that line to get "darker or equal to the control."  It's beyond maddening. 

I pee on a stick in the morning when I wake.  I pee on a stick in the evening before bed.  I am like the jilted date, waiting for Mr. Smiley Face to show with no hope in sight.  

Stupid smiley face.  I want to meet the guy who invented it and punch him in the head.  And you KNOW IT WAS A GUY.

SIGH.  Now I have to go spend another $40 on an OPK.  The stock market crash may not get me in the wallet, but this ovulation game might.

Hummingbirds on a Clothesline

A hummingbird flew into my room today.  It flustered around aimlessly for a good five minutes before taking a breather on my clothesline.  I snapped a few photos, distracted it with the flash of my camera, and gawked at it like a tourist.  It was animal cruelty at its worst. 

However, it did manage to fly out the door safely, so please don't call Animal Cops on my ass.  Being the irresponsible Googler I am, I checked out what hummingbirds symbolized as soon as I got my hands on a computer.  This is what I found.

"Hummingbird is a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible."

And how.