I hate you, Braxton Hicks

I hate you, Braxton Hicks contractions. You give me heart palpitations every time. And you're NOT painless, which you're supposed to be, you stupid fake contractions.

Braxton Hicks are supposed to be sporadic uterine contractions that can start as early as 6 weeks into your pregnancy, although you don't feel anything that early on. However, when you're in my state, around 33 weeks, you DO feel them. And they feel like something stretching, pushing, and cramping in your lower uterus. Basically, if you're me and have no experience with 3rd trimester pregnancy, you think "HOLY CRAP, I'M IN LABOR." You panic. You freak out.

Of course after some irresponsible Googling, I found that if you don't have them that often, and if they're infrequent, you're basically ok. More than four of these suckers an hour, and you may need to see your doc.

I'm trying all the remedies to try to ease the discomfort of the BH contractions, such as drinking a lot of water (dehydration causes BH), deep breathing. Baths are also recommended.

Eating s'mores is not on the list, but I find they help me tremendously. FYI.

No Slack is Given

We risked the Tut curse yesterday and went to the King Tut exhibit. It was amazing, although I had to sit every five to ten minutes. My feet began throbbing after standing for too long, and I thought my knees would give out under the new weight of my belly. This baby is truly testing my leg muscles.

I've noticed that people cut pregnant women very little slack, even ones in their 8th month like me. I saw occupied benches, and took to standing inches away from the seated people, longingly staring at them while looking like I was going to drop to the floor on my knees...no one moved. I finally told a young woman to MOVE BEFORE I SAT ON HER AND CRUSHED HER TO DEATH. She complied, and rather quickly.

Other annoyances with being in large crowds of people: Grandmas. Sorry, grandmas, but the staring and the weird magnetic pull you feel towards my belly is creepy. And the comments are even worse. One septuagenarian stared for a good two minutes, and then finally approached me with this dramatic and obnoxious comment: "WOW. WOW. HOW far along are you? WOW!"

She might as well have said, "YOU ARE MONSTROUSLY HUGE. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I AM SEEING. CAN I TAKE A PICTURE?"

It was not a pleasant moment, considering her stupid sentence was not followed by the appropriate, "You look wonderful. You must be thrilled."

I hate people.

Symptoms

Symptoms so far...

1st Trimester

Mild queasiness

Boobs!

Occasional gagging at night

Bloating

2nd Trimester

Frequent urination

Leg cramps that wake me from a dead sleep

Carpal Tunnel

3rd Trimester

Frequent urination

Constipation

Gas and heartburn, although not too bad

Inconsistent back pain

Fairly constant pelvic pain

Infrequent Braxon Hicks contractions

The constant urge to punch people who stare and make rude comments

Pelvic Pain in the Ass

The pelvic pain is intense, and it's the first truly annoying pregnancy symptom I've experienced since becoming pregnant eight months ago. For that, I know I should be grateful. However, being in constant pain makes it difficult to be thankful. Ugh.

It's hard to move a millimeter, which makes transport of my belly full o' baby virtually impossible for me on bad days. I've been brought to tears just trying to shift from one side to the other on the couch. Yes, it's really that uncomfortable.

But not nearly as uncomfortable as labor, and that is a pretty terrifying prospect. However, with labor comes a baby. With pelvic pain comes...more unrelenting pelvic pain and immobility. Giving birth is kind of like getting a prize at the end of all that horrible work. Pelvic pain rewards only get as good as the closest chocolate candy or cupcake you can reach before giving out.

Nightmares

Nightmares. I've had a few. But lately, I've been having terrible ones, mostly having to do with how terrible a mother I will be. Here is a list of the topics...be forewarned, they're hideous, and mostly unreasonable.

1) Running over the baby by backing over him in the driveway.

2) Forgetting the baby in the car in hot weather.

3) Dropping the baby.

4) Giving the baby something that he's not supposed to have which hurts him.

5) Rolling over on the baby in bed.

Other bad dreams include things I've seen on Law and Order and MTV Teen Pregnancy Nightmares. Yes, I just admitted I watch MTV.

I have been put on crime and reality show television hiatus by my husband as of last week.

Week 32, Month 8

3rd Trimester Sonogram

We went to our doctor's appointment yesterday and begged for a sonogram. We are like the sonogram junkies at this point. Any glimpse is like a taste of heaven. But on this sono, there was something I noticed that stayed with me for hours after the visit...he looks like a baby.

A real baby, with cheeks, a little nose, and lips that suck in amniotic fluid. He can swallow, hear, blink, and react. He has eyelashes and brows and taste buds. He has filled in nicely with fat and bone and blood, and he's almost ready to come out.

He moved a little bit while we were snooping around in my uterus, but only enough to tease us with what might come in August. His little fists, his little legs...both looked fuller, fatter, chubbier, CUTER.

I'm officially in love. This is the cutest baby, I'm sure of it. In fact, if there is a Cutest Baby in the Universe contest, I am entering him immediately, in utero. Donald Trump will be floored by the cuteness. And my baby won't be getting all stupid about gay marriage, either.

Smart baby.

Weigh In at Almost 32 Weeks

Weight...172. I've gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in a month ago. I took a breath and asked the doctor if I was a big fat cow. She said absolutely not.

I've gained 28 pounds in 32 weeks. If I'm not a big fat cow, I'm definitely 8 months pregnant.

Doc said, "You're doing fine. You should be a little careful, but just a LITTLE careful about what you eat at this point. You're not terribly over the line, but by the time you give birth, you'll just have that much more weight to lose if you do gain much more than 30 pounds."

Hum. Not what I was thinking. I was thinking, "Is there Jenny Craig for pregnant women?" After all, men keep telling me I look "HUMONGOUS" and "HUGE." It's not something you want to hear when you're gaining weight by the bucketloads for no other reason other than there's this little alien inside you.

And there really isn't any other reason. Sure, I've had the occasional craving for cake. But I have been watching what I've been eating, thanks to the acupuncturist who has sworn off sugar and dairy products for me. I eat mainly vegetables, salads, and protein. Do I snarf down an In N Out burger every now and again? Sure. But I've been good...honest.

So I'm thinking all this weight...fluid, placenta and big ol' baby. Or I'm giving birth to a sasquach. Either way, this weight has to be here for a REASON, dammit.

Week 31

Week 30

Goooooooalllll!!!

21 weeks or less: 0% survival rate
22 weeks: 0–10% survival rate
23 weeks: 17% survival rate
24 weeks: 39% survival rate
25 weeks: 50% survival rate
26 weeks: 80% survival rate
27 weeks: 90% survival rate

30 weeks: 95% survival rate

Stretch Marks and Other Badges of Motherhood

Have you ever heard the saying, "Wear your stretch marks proudly?" Well, honestly, that's a load of crap. They're hideously ugly and, in my case, stretch all over my lower abdomen like red waves of Freddy Kruger scratches. Not a pretty sight.

The husband has been frantically rubbing lotion on my stomach in a vain attempt to rid his wife of these "badges of motherhood." I saw his eyes bulge a little the first time my tummy popped out of my too-tight t-shirt. He raced to the shelves and grabbed the first bottle of belly butter he could find. "Shea butter is best, right?!" he asked, trying not to sound too desperate.

But I have already faced the truth: Mom has them, and I'll have them, too. How do I know mom has them? She shows me EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS. Along with the skin show, she also comments, "See what you did to me?! You were SOOOO BIG."

I'm having trouble with the idea of my belly getting any bigger, since it's been difficult fitting into anything...and I don't mean just clothes. I mean car doors, house doors. Doors in general. And sliding into a booth at a restaurant can be humiliating at times. It's not unlike pushing an inflated aero bed into a crawl space.

But bigger it will get. After a visit to my doc last week, I was reassured that my stomach was perfectly normal and that I had gained 20 pounds, well within what I should have gained by month 7. But I still feel like I may topple over at any moment, like a weeble wobble.

Month 8 and 9 should be interesting.

Week 29