Spring Cleaning

Being the co-dependent I am, I'm starting to feel the need to purge my world again. Lately, I've been feeling the pressure of everything, including friendships and family.

When I start noticing an emotional tidal wave brewing on the horizon, I tend to look at the people who have been causing the most anxiety and stop communicating with them indefintely. This goes for family, too. There have been years when I haven't spoken to siblings or my father/mother because of the need to self-preserve.

I'm not saying this is a good way to go, but I have been this way my entire life. It's a trait I picked up when dealing with psychotic relatives, and it's a survival mechanism that has been both good and bad for me in times of crisis.

Now that I'm pregnant, it feels more dire. The feeling of having this other person to take care of makes me want to protect myself more. So when I have fights that seem redundant and ridiculous, I make decisions that I believe will help save my sanity. I've given up many friends over the years because of this.

Lately, I've had doubts about a couple of people, one of whom was very close to me. The other, not so much, but definitely a part of my life. The former went through a personality change I could not keep up with, nor did I want to. We haven't spoken in six months. It was a relatively quiet end, and one I don't think will last forever. We were similar once, and I still hold out hope that we will be similar once again.

The other is a high-strung, high-maintenance person who is kind, but narcissistic. We never really knew each other that well, so dealing with his attitude and outbursts became tiresome very quickly. The last argument was such an exhausting ordeal I finally gave up. In my head, it was not worth the insecurity, anxiety, and worry over someone you never really felt a kinship to anyway.

I find that my part in all of this, what I am responsible for, is the fact that I let people in and never quite assert myself until it is too late. Blow ups and confrontations are my least favorite thing. Unfortunately, I let toxic friendships continue on until something truly specatcular and terrible happens. It seems that only then I can let it go.

And even then, I dwell. I blame myself. I get mad. I cry. Letting go of resentment is the hardest thing to do when you're co-dependent. But in the end, I have to remind myself constantly to hold on to the valuable people in your lives and let the rest go.

This baby on the way has definitely jacked up my protective nature. Survival instincts are in full effect, and everything compared to a baby seems miniscule in comparison.