Under Pressure

David Bowie and Freddie Mercury came on the radio today just as I was turning onto Market Street.  I blasted the volume and started singing...badly.  My apologies to the pedestrians within a five block radius.  I know it was horrendous.

But it was good, minute-therapy.  I felt better, singing the lyrics, especially, "Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking."  I love that line...mostly because I feel like I'm a negative pregnancy test away from the Bell Jar.

I know everything I'm experiencing now may make me stronger in the end, baby or no baby.  I know that women have been through everything I'm feeling a million times over and then some.  I know I feel something coming in a week, be it a period or a pregnancy.  But knowing all of this simply is not enough.  Life is unfair, and we can only accept that fact with a grimace and a clenched jaw.  

I need to stay positive, but I feel weakened by the hopelessness of it all.  However, even through my worst crying fits and spoiled brat tantrums, I can see my husband, my friends, and my good fortune to have them around me.  Just as no (wo)man is an island, the Baby Game is not for the feeble hearted.  

"Love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves."