Changes

Losing friends is messed up. Losing friends because you had a baby is confusing. The hard truth is that I have lost friends over this huge life change, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't give the baby away. I can't shove it back in. I can't turn back time. I'm no longer one. I am two now, and three, if you count the terrific husband.

But some friends believe they have to discard friends because they have something new that does not fit into their lifestyle. They stop seeing you as someone who can relate to their life. It's harsh, and possibly true. Maybe I can't relate, or maybe I don't fit anymore. I'm the square peg in their round hole world.

But it's painful. I'm in pain right now, for one. I have mastitis and can barely function....and I look around me and see no one to call to come over and give me comfort. It's hard.

After the baby was born, I was in a very dark place. I still linger there on occasion, yet I manage to dig myself out every time with the skin of my teeth. Yet when I was at my lowest point in this whole journey into motherhood, no one was sitting by me to hold my hand. I was without a friend.

I do have friends, that's certain. But the closest friends I have are scattered to the far ends of the earth, as far as I'm concerned. They're in Chicago, Hawaii, London, New York...no where close by where I can get a daily dose of support. Phone calls and emails just don't cut it sometimes.

The closest friends I have in the area are too busy or simply gone. Gone in spirit, in heart, in mind. I'm feeling like I'm on the "out" list with this baby on my arm. It makes me sad.

Friendships are supposed to be bulletproof, even when babies are the bullets.