"I'm just starting to feel like I couldn't imagine not having him."
I believe I'm almost over the hump. The postpartum depression is still egging me on from time to time. Anxiety attacks hit without warning, and my mother is driving me insane. I have had hideous thoughts about her, and actually looked up real estate in Illinois so I can dream about getting away from her. She is truly crazy and not helping at all at this point.
The doctors have been checking up on me with some consistency, and they dispense medication at the drop of a hat. But I've been resisting the urge to pop an anti-depressant, due to the breast feeding. Every time I'm tempted, I am awash with feelings of guilt. It is impossible for that pill to pass my lips knowing it will end up in the baby.
So I deal with the feelings of dread and worry, knowing most of it is in my head and totally irrational: No, the baby won't die in his sleep. No, he isn't a down syndrome baby. No, he isn't going to be kidnapped. No, you won't fall down the stairs and die and leave the baby in the house alone, screaming for his mother who is dead as a door nob.
It's a daily battle, and I sometimes wish I wouldn't wake in the mornings so I don't have to face it again. But I love my son, and my son needs a healthy mother. I need to pull it together somehow and beat this depression.
2 comments:
Please consider getting help for your depression. I think of you often. I feel your panic about the bump/lump you have, but I also feel your pain and sadness for the depression, which needs attention as much as your breast health. Ask your OB for some referrals. If you are still in doubt about whether you need help or if you wonder whether anyone has ever felt this way, check out this blog entry: http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/2009/11/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english-1.html
Please don't continue suffering alone. I waited to get help until 3 months, and I think my recovery would have been easier if I had sought help earlier. I learned there are alternatives to medications, and that there are meds that are safe for breastfeeding. The best part to feeling better? It IS possible to actually enjoy motherhood in these first few months.
You are the toughest lady I know! Lub you!
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