Holding Out

Every day, I hold out until 4:00 p.m. That's the time I know my husband is on his way home. I imagine him weaving in and out of traffic trying to get to the front door. It's comforting and relieves some of the anxiety I always have built up in my gut at that time. It usually sits there from noon until evening, poking my stomach, daring me to eat something spicy.

Now that the breast infection, also known as mastitis HELL, has pretty much gone, I am dealing with plugged ducts. It's as if someone is testing me, or testing my breasts.

A plugged duct is not nearly as horrific as mastitis. Instead, it's just annoying and achey pain that seems to go on and on and on. I've been massaging it for a while but it's stubborn. I have a feeling I'm in for more of this kind of discomfort as long as I breast feed. People keep telling me it will get better after two or so months, so I hold out. But it just keeps getting more and more frustrating and I'm losing patience.

I'm feeling the beginnings of being burnt out. Five days a week, nine to ten hours a day I'm alone with my baby, trying to soothe him, play with him, keep him happy, content...it's more exhausting than I thought it would be. It's also hard to stop and enjoy being a mother when you're so tired, although I try to remember to be thankful for what I've got in my arms, even when it's screaming bloody murder.