Waiting for the Flood

I read my own gripes and complaints and I feel guilty about how ungrateful I must seem. Honestly, I feel blessed to have this amazing experience. I have been waiting a long time to be a mother, and now that the moment has arrived, it doesn't seem real. It's as if I'm watching a reality show with someone else as the star.

When the baby was born, the first day was exciting and unbelievable. I was in love immediately, but it didn't last. The first two weeks were so brutal, I didn't feel that connection or bond that mothers are supposed to feel with their newborns. I felt so detached, apart from the family unit. It was a horrible feeling. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die from the guilt.

In the third week, things were still healing, but it was tolerable. The baby was getting into his routine. I wasn't crying every minute of the day anymore. It became more of a reality...I was taking care of a new baby. But I still did not feel like the mother of this child. I loved him because I was his mother, but I didn't feel the bond. It just didn't feel honest.

A month old and the baby was into his routine like a pro. The pain was nearly gone, except for the breastfeeding, which was (and still remains) terribly hard. I had my husband to help me, even if it was part of the day. My head seemed cloudy, I was still exhausted, but feeling more levelheaded. I was still waiting for that epiphany that would jolt me into reality. My body had just gone through this incredible experience of pregnancy and childbirth. It pushed a baby out into the world. It knew I was a mother. But my mind was still closed off to the idea. After nearly four decades of taking care of me, myself and I, my mind was not ready to accept the fact that I had a new life to look after. It was a commitment I was not ready to accept.

Then one day, suddenly, the baby spit up blood (which turned out to be MY blood from breastfeeding, but little did I know until we called the advice nurse.)

I panicked. The thought of the baby being sick made me want to vomit. I couldn't stand the thought of losing my child. The very idea of him in pain made me cry hysterically.

This is when I bonded with my child.

When your body and mind don't agree on what reality is, ultimately it will be your heart that will break the tie.