Today was also the first day I felt truly, absolutely alone. It was a haunting feeling of seclusion that overwhelmed me around noon, when nap time was over and Chucky wanted to plaaa-aayyy...
Baby started bemoaning the lack of milk coming from my breasts. Then, it took too long to warm up the bottle of expressed milk. After eating, he was uncomfortably gassy. And then he was too damn tired to nap. All in all, a stormy day inside and out.
But it wasn't the squirmy baby that just discovered he had the capability to raise the volume to eleven that drove me to near insanity today. It was the fact that it was raining and I no longer had the choice to go outside. There was no break from the monotony of the couch, Tivo remote, and finicky baby on my lap. I had no options. It was maddening.
It was also lonely. I realized how isolated I was feeling, and that it was a familiar feeling I had been having since the husband returned to work full time. Having no friends with babies, I was the odd-man-out among my non-child-having pals who sometimes looked at me as if I had a third eye. They had all scattered as soon as I brought the little dude home. The few friends who love babies, regardless of their situation, are in other parts of the country, or out of the country altogether.
So, here I sit, friendless, lonely, and bored to tears. My little buddy is staring at me like I'm a milk dispenser. My husband won't be home until it's too late to save me from another anxiety attack. I wait with iPhone in hand, playing scrabble. I feel like The Little Prince...but the version where the Prince is lactating and hasn't taken a shower in days.
2 comments:
hugs!
Thanks, Jill! I'll take the hugs!
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