Pins and Needles

I had a headache on Thursday that just wouldn't go away.  On Saturday, I had my first acupuncture appointment ever, and I thought to myself, "A-HA.  If she's not a quack, she'll make this tumor in my brain disappear and my headache will go away!"  However, it wasn't exactly the magical hocus-pocus I was expecting.

My initial appointment with the acupuncturist was two hours long and surprisingly painful.  To those of you who told me the needles were tiny and I wouldn't feel a thing, I say to you, "BAH."  They hurt.  A LOT.

However, I liked the idea of trying something holistic and meditative to get my body to relax enough for this fertility Hell.  Since hard-core street drugs have been proven to be bad for pregnancy, I can't take any to deaden my pain.   Acupuncture is the next best thing, without the added birth defects.

But again, I must reiterate, the needles DID hurt.  It WAS NOT painless.  And YES I AM A BIG FAT WIMP.  I just can't stand any kind of pain at all, and I whined and cried about it until it was finally over.  I'm sure this woman is not looking forward to seeing me next week...or is purchasing ear plugs as I type this.

The experience was pretty interesting, I must admit.  It was far less stressful than any doctor I've visited in the past few months, and after an hour of intake, she pish-poshed the idea that I was too old to conceive.  In fact, she said it was ridiculous that any doctor would say that.  I think I love her.

She looked at my tongue and made the assessment that I was in good health, except for maybe some sleeping issues, which was true.  I guess the tip of my tongue is red.  That means something.  Don't ask me what.

She also instructed me not to drink anything cold...ice, ice cream, frozen yogurt, cold salad.  "You wouldn't bake a cake in a cold oven, now, would you?"  No.  I suppose not.  But I sure do love ice cream and cold water.  Boo.

After some needle twisting and poking, I was left to relax for a few minutes.  According to my husband, I fell asleep.  Apparently, the snoring gave me away.

And then I was given some gnarly Chinese herbs called Bupleurum and Peony.  They look like the size of a large fish pellet, and taste like one, too.  It supposedly regulates your hormones and your periods.  I'll take anything at this point to avoid another 33 day cycle.  That last one was pretty near God-awful.

So after the $125 (+$20 for fish pellets) initial acupuncture session, I left with my headache intact and a heavy feeling in my uterus.  I wonder if that means something is brewing down below.  My egg is supposed to pop in a week, and I admit it's a little like waiting for Santa Claus to drop down the chimney.  

Official Stats

My period finally showed early this morning with a vengeance, thus ending this annoyingly long cycle.

Cycle Length: 33 days

Luteal Phase: 13 days

Ovulation Day: Cycle day 20

In case you didn't know, these stats kind of suck.  It's like batting .250, and although it isn't horrible, that still ain't good.  

Aside from that, the luteal phase was normal, which was a huge relief.  Anything lower than 11 or 12 days is considered troublesome.  

But 33 DAYS?!  Come ON.  For someone who has been spoiled with clockwork 28 day cycles for as long as I can remember, this was seriously fucked.  

Random

Random fertility thought of the day:  Wouldn't it be great if mom was right and you really could get pregnant from making out in a wet bathing suit?  (crossing fingers)

The Cycle Endeth

Ridiculously curious, tested at 6 dpo: Not pregnant.

Closer to reasonable, tested at 10 dpo: Not pregnant.

Brownish-pink tinged CM, suspect implantation, tested at 13 dpo: Not pregnant.

Now I'm depressed AND broke.  Those pregnancy tests aren't cheap.

I've been feeling the pangs of my period threatening ever since I woke up this morning.  It's a bad feeling, knowing you've once again failed to conceive, and I can't imagine going through this again next month, and possibly the next, and the next...

Against all hope, I still have small pangs of the dreaded "what ifs?"  What if it's too early to test?  What if I implanted late?  What if I'm delusional and it's all just for naught?  

Regardless, I'm pathetically digging in my couch cushions for spare change so I can buy another EPT.  

The Hope and the Dread

There is that stinkin' feeling of hope every time I wake up in the morning and see clean undies.  My period is managing not to come on cue this month, which is either a cruel joke by the menstruation gods or...dare I say it?  No, I daren't!

The reason I "daren't" is the sinking feeling of dread that stifles the hope and kills any speck of happiness and joy in my otherwise mundane life right now.  I anticipate the period coming like a big ol' red flood of reality.  It's on the way, and I'm just hoping it waits a few more days so my luteal phase will be normal.

Ovulating late this cycle really fucked with my head.  I thought I was due on the 28th day of my cycle, as usual, but having ovulated on the 19th day, it's apparently pushing my Aunt Flow further away.  If it doesn't come by Tuesday, I'll be officially stoked.

I just wish the symptoms of pregnancy and periods were vastly and uniquely different.  As it is, they're nearly identical.  Sore breasts, tender nipples, backache, bloating, constipation, headache, cramps, and even bleeding, for cripes sake.  

Why can't there be a really obvious, surefire pregnancy sign, like you grow a third eye in the back of your head?  Now THAT would be cool.

I've Got a Fever...

Basal body temperature.  That's the key phrase of the day.  And here are the rules for being in this very anal retentive, OCD club.  

1) Take your temperature at the exact same day every day, and only in the morning.  

2) To take your temperature, leave the basal thermometer (found at the local Walgreens) by your bed and stick it in your mouth at the same time of morning every day.  Record the temperature and record it on your basal chart.

3) When you are taking your temperature, you must have had at least 3 hours of solid sleep.  Do not move.  Do not sleep with your mouth open.  Do not dare wiggle a toe.  Just act like a corpse until the temperature alarm rings.

The alternative to doing the above like clockwork for months on end is to stick the thermometer in your vagina and fall back asleep.  PASS.

It seems like a lot to digest, and believe me, I was not into it at first.  But now, it's almost like a game of prediction.  The point of "charting" is to find out the day AFTER you ovulate.  

This was my first month charting, and as per usual, my results were weird and unreadable.  The temperature dropped, and then rose when it was supposed to, indicating ovulation had occurred.  But then, it did something wonky, and the temperature dropped dramatically for no apparent reason.  After a day or so, it started back up the scale again.  I checked a few sites and saw the word "anovulation."  I did the slo-mo scream of  "NOOOooOOOoOoOOOOoooo...." and then kept looking for an answer that wouldn't make me want to vomit.

I drove myself insane doing some irresponsible Googling, and finally found something that made logical sense and that didn't make me want to off myself.

"Fallback rise is a chart pattern in which your temperature rises after ovulation, but then falls back down immediately.  This usually happens at 2-3 days past ovulation.  It then goes back up shortly after.

Before ovulation, estrogen levels peak and then drop, causing LH levels to peak and then drop, causing ovulation.  The theory of "fallback rise" is that the estrogen level is still dropping after the LH level has dropped, and the progesterone levels have not risen high enough to push the temperature up.  Estrogen causes low temps, progesterone high temps.  By the next day, the estrogen level is down and the progesterone level pushes the temperature back up."

Duh.

Le Sigh.

I feel my uterus getting ready to expel something, and it ain't rainbows and unicorns.  

I can sense a period coming, and I wish I so badly to be wrong...and this coming from a woman who claims to be all knowing and 100% accurate in all of her beliefs, answers, and "opinions."  I will say it until the cows come home.  I WANT TO BE WRONG.

But I just have "the feeling."  And if you have a vagina and a uterus, you know what "the feeling" is and I don't have to explain it to you.  For all you penis people out there, all you must know is that it sucks big donkey balls...especially when you're trying to get pregnant.

Every month it has happened since the miscarriage, I've been hopeful for the first seven days, after which I plummet into a  horribly depressed state for the next week until my period arrives.  It's akin to a mini miscarriage, in a way.  

For two weeks after ovulation, all I have done is grope my breasts relentlessly, hoping for pain and sensitivity, looking for that tell-tale sign of pregnancy.  Finally today, I stopped mid-molestation and realized I was getting to second base...with myself.

I think I need to rethink this and stop being a maniac about fertility.  Or at least stop touching myself inappropriately all the time.  

Eggs in an Old, Crappy Basket

After exhausting ourselves for over a week, the husband and I decided to take a few days off from the sex-capades.  

During our hiatus, I did some more irresponsible Googling and typed in the words "late ovulation" in the search bar.  What came up was not fun reading.

It seems that late ovulation, (21 or later into your cycle, to be exact,) can cause poor egg quality.  It makes implantation difficult, and if you do get lucky, you may miscarry from the "bad egg."

Considering I supposedly ovulated on the 20th day of my cycle, this was enough to make me spiral into the depths of worry and hyper-sensitivity.  My tantruming didn't help, unfortunately.  Apparently, screaming "I don't want the "bad egg!!"  I want the "good egg!!"  doesn't help matters at all.

Now there is a loophole.  If your luteal phase is longer than 10 days, you may be ok.  So if my period comes late, and I happen to get pregnant this month, all's well.

Ugh.  10 days or longer luteal phase...14 cycle ovulation...I thought things in the baby game would be simpler.  

If we were living in the olden times, the rabbit dies, and there you go. 

Baby Aspirin for Baby Making

Baby aspirin...another pill to add to my arsenal of vitamins and horse pills.  The hype about baby aspirin revolves around the theory that it can help with fertility issues.  And like a well-appointed candy stand right by the check-out counter, I buy it hook, line and sinker.  I'm a sucker for theories.

Now, that's not to say these theories are always correct.  In fact, there are several studies online that show that there were no demonstrable increases in thickness in women with thin endometrium who were given baby aspirin.  

However, there was an increase in implantation rates in the aspirin group, which can't be a bad thing, considering baby aspirin is also considered beneficial to those of us with a history of stroke and sludge blood.

My pill box is now overflowing with theories.  GO TEAM EGG!

The Rules of the Game

Before I dispense my pearls of wisdom, I'm not a doctor. I'm an irresponsible Googler.

I find out most of my facts during sleepless nights of fertility angst, and it's all opinion in the end. That's my disclaimer for this post.

Fact and fiction is all over the Internet, so my only real advice to anyone trying to conceive right now is to take what you will from what you find, and be realistic and logical in your decision making.

Following every rule in the book will ultimately hinder your chances and also make you a fairly intolerable person to live with. I should know, since I'm pretty impossible myself.

1. Drink lots of water. Water thins cervical mucus and makes it more sperm-friendly. However, if you're using ovulation testers, like I am, you will find this is frustrating since the instructions tell you to avoid drinking anything two hours before testing.

Guaifenisen also thins cervical mucus, and can be found (as the only ingredient) in Mucinex as a pill, and in nasty, disgusting Robitussin as a liquid.

2. Take your vitamins. Prenatal One is a good horse pill. It has more of the vitamins you need than a regular Nature-Made pill, I find. Find a good fish oil pill that contains DHA and EPA. A good pill will not taste like fish oil when you burp. If it does, the oil was made from rancid fish...grossss.

3. Eat healthy. Low-fat, low-calorie, and lots of greens and yams. Yams have B-6 and estrogen, but certain kinds of wild yams are best.

4. Take a low-dosage aspirin. This reduces the chances of clotting. It also supposedly helps reduce the risk of certain types of miscarriage by thickening the uterine lining. This claim is disputed in some medical circles.

5. Check your cervix. SHOW=soft, high, open, and wet is what indicates an approaching ovulation. It should feel like your lips. If it feels like the tip of your nose, ovulation has most likely happened already. Oh, and make sure your hands are clean, natch.

6. Have some good sex...a LOT. Good sex means you both orgasm. A man, obviously. A woman, because an orgasm spasm often helps the sperm on their way.
Sex every day is often not suggested, as many sites tell you to allow the man to "reload" for one day. But my husband's doc told him that sperm travels a month before landing in the launch pad, and it's constantly arriving. So logically, when one load releases, another is on it's way already, fresh and new.

By having sex every day for a week, you'll hit every conceivable lucky moment. If you want to bet on the best three days of the fertile week and have a ton of sperm released at once, however, have sex every other day.

Men should not abstain for too long...old, waiting sperm will not be good for conceiving. So "refresh" yourselves every now and again, men.

7. After sex, elevate your hips for 15-30 minutes. Now, if you're an acrobat, this is easy to do and painless. However, if you're me, you need something to prop you up. For hilarity's sake, use your husband as a prop, or spend money on a silly fertility pillow.

Relax and lie down after sex. Don't move around a lot and give the sperm a better chance of reaching the fallopian tubes. That's why many doctors suggest evening sex, so most likely you will go to sleep afterward and stay vertical.

Don't worry so much about what is leaking out. That is most likely abnormal sperm that couldn't swim, and you wouldn't want to be impregnated by those guys anyway.

8. Do not have a bowel movement or urinate immediately after sex. Both tend to expel whatever is inside you, although once the sperm is in, it's in for the long haul.

However, make sure you wipe yourself clean and dry after sex, especially if you're prone to urinary tract infections. If you don't understand how painful UTI's are, just TYPING THE WORDS made my vagina pucker.

9. Take it easy and try not to stress out. Stressing about fertility will drive you crazy...and your baby will want a fully sane mother.

10. Make fertility a part of your life, but not your entire life. Try not to think about it 24-7.

Find distractions that will keep you from Googling and scouring the web for a reason why you aren't conceiving right here and now. The fact of the matter is, there is no absolute for anyone or any situation. Every woman is different, and ovulates differently. There is no single list of symptoms, and we are all just playing a guessing game.

Black and white does not exist in this game...it's all various shades of grey.

In conclusion, they can put a man on moon, but they can't figure out how to let us know for sure if the ovulation test line is "darker or similar." Ridiculous.

Big Tease

My LH surge arrived at at last...19 days into my cycle.  That stupid smiley face finally showed, taunting me.  But I was so happy to finally see it, I forgave Clear Blue Easy for giving me freak-out #1,209 since this whole she-bang began.

For those of you NOT in fertility Hell, 19 days into my cycle means it took forever and I wastefully urinated on many a pee stick (and quite possibly, my hand.)  I am certainly relieved, that's for sure.  I thought I hadn't ovulated at all, and had experienced the dreaded anovulation.  It really should be the title of a bad movie.  ANOVULATION: THE EGG THAT NEVER CAME.  

The husband and I have been "doing the deed" since day 10 of my cycle for the sake of procreating, and he's passed out in the bedroom as I type this.  I tried waking him up to no avail.  I think he may be dead...but happy.  

While he's dead and happy, however, I'm very much alive and walking like a bow-legged cowboy.  

*wince*

Gypped

I got gypped on a LH surge this month.  WTF?!

I've been gypped on almost everything, but a luteinizing hormone?  Someone up there really must hate my non-ovulating guts.

Most sites I irresponsibly Googled tell me it's possible I had what is called an anovulation.  That's the sucky type of ovulation...one which NEVER EVER COMES.

Or, I may have ovulated, and not known about it.  I may have had too much water to drink and the LH might have been too diluted.  

Either way, the stupid smiley face on my ovulation tester did not show its moronic grin this month.  But maybe it will be late, who knows.  LE SIGH.

Keep hope alive!