Beastfeeding

Ok, so the thing about breastfeeding is this:  Everything that everyone says about it is absolutely true.  It's amazing, wonderful, fabulous, and brings you a closeness to your child that you will probably never ever experience again in your relationship.  It's truly one of those things that makes you feel more "motherly" because you are nourishing your child with the best possible food...your own milk generated by your body.

But that's the sugary sweet stuff that people love to ram down your throat when you're in the midst of trying to teach your little beastie how to latch on correctly while he chomps, pulls, and scrapes most of your nipple off your breast, and, as most of us know, nipples don't grow back after they fall off.

Here's my take on breastfeeding:  It's horrible.  It's terrible.  It's scarring.  I hated it.  And here's my story of how I came to not hate it so much.

When I was in the hospital, surrounded by the lactation specialists, I was taught the first thing about breastfeeding that every new mother hears:  Do NOT use bottles.  Do NOT supplement.  Keep trying until it works.

I did.  I tried.  Even with no milk for 9 days, I kept trying.  But after the sixth day of nothing but the colostrum, which I never personally saw come out, the baby started screaming.  And when I say "screaming" I mean "YOU ARE KILLING ME, BAD PARENTS!"

My husband and I decided to use formula that day.  We gave our little man two ounces of Similac, which he promptly guzzled down...and then passed out for eight hours of sleep.  It was the first time we had seen him sleep peacefully since the hospital.

That was the day we also decided to supplement with formula.  My milk came in four days later, but it was a pathetic amount that barely filled a two ounce bottle.  I pumped religiously eight times a day and took fenugreek tea until my supply was up to par, but it was still impossible.  The baby would not latch.

The other issue were my nipples, which were bloody raw and so painful I could not even wear a shirt or take a shower without crying out in pain.  Whenever I had to feed the baby, I would literally sob.  It was ridiculously bad.  Contracting mastitis certainly didn't help matters much.  Seeing puss come out of your nipples is worse than seeing blood, believe it or not.

I used nipple cream, which probably saved me some serious suffering, and gel pads, which were a Godsend.  But still, the baby was not latching properly and my nipples were being destroyed.  It was a truly traumatic experience to feed him, which was not helping with my milk supply any.  The stress made pumping difficult, as it often causes your milk to deplete.

I visited the lactation specialist weekly, bringing the baby in and trying to teach him how to eat.  It helped, but not enough, and the baby kept nibbling instead of sucking.  We used all the paraphernalia available...nipple shields, breast shields, warm wet diapers on the breast to get the milk moving...nothing worked well enough to ease the pain.

A month passed and we still used bottles, even with the threat of nipple confusion looming overhead.  But I was still breastfeeding during the day and using supplements only at night, so I could rest.  We used special breastflow bottles to help with the nipple confusion, which worked, I believe.

Two months passed, and even after a nasty bout of mastitis I persisted.  I was determined to keep breastfeeding, even though my own doctor told me it was ok to stop.  The pressure to continue came from everywhere, especially the mother's groups that seemed fanatical about it.  It was a breastfeeding cult.

Even after the two month mark, the time everyone told me when things would get better, I was suffering through the feedings.  The baby was thriving on bottled milk I expressed daily, which in itself was pure hell.  But I was miserable.  Breastfeeding was not a joy, nor was it the amazing bonding experience I had imagined it would be.  In fact, I began resenting the baby.  The guilt over not being able to nurse him was killing my self-esteem and I was starting to dwell in my post-partum depression.  After researching anti-depressant medication and breastfeeding, I refused to take the medication my doctor prescribed to battle the baby blues, which had not gone away since the birth.  My emotions were running ramshackle and driving me insane...and failing at breastfeeding was fueling the insanity.

Three months passed, and a second bout of mastitis nearly ended it.  The first time I had a breast infection, I nearly quit breastfeeding for good.  I told myself it was a sign from the almighty.  But when the infection ended, the baby started nursing again and his latch had miraculously improved.  I was encouraged enough to continue.

But the second time I had mastitis I was finished with breastfeeding.  It was stupid to continue, I thought.  How could I keep doing this to myself?  Is it worth it just to give him milk from my breast?  I could express it and he would still get the nutrients.  THIS MUST STOP.

The infection finally went away, and when I was ready I breastfed.  I took the first feeding with a great deal of trepidation, feeling the dread of the first painful latch.  Instead, I was shocked to find that the baby latched easily, drank long, slow draws of milk, and everything had magically turned right side up again.  Breastfeeding had become easy, suddenly and without any graduation.  It was that instantaneous.

I have no idea how it happened.  I tried to guess...maybe his mouth grew?  Maybe he's just matured into a good nurser?  The mystery remains.

So you new mothers out there struggling with breastfeeding your newborn baby, take heed/comfort...it is harder than you ever believed it could be.  But yes, it does get easier.  For me, it was three months.  But no one ever tells you how difficult it will be before it does.



Things I wished knew about breastfeeding before I started:

1) It hurts beyond pain.  The BS I heard over and over again was that if it hurts, you're not doing it right.  The latch is wrong, the baby's mouth is off-center, you need to get the whole areola in his mouth...the pain is your fault or your baby's fault.  Breastfeeding doesn't hurt.

Look...nipples are sensitive before you even start breastfeeding.  After you begin the latching and the nursing, they feel like they are on fire.  You have this little mouth on you, struggling to suck milk out of your ducts.  My baby sucked so hard in the hospital that a duct actually CAME OUT.  It was hanging off my nipple like a bloody teardrop.  And the nurse had the balls to tell me it was NORMAL?!  Please.

2) Nipple cream helps (Motherlove is awesome), gel pads and breast shields also help, but nothing will really help.  It will hurt until it doesn't anymore.  And even when it supposedly doesn't hurt, it's still not completely comfortable.

3) I used nipple shields, per the instructions from the lactation specialist.  What they didn't tell me was that the baby would have to be weaned off the shields, which, when the time came, was very difficult.

4) Milk letdown HURT.  It was like lightening pain down my breasts.  In a few months, however, it now feels just like a pinch.

5) The baby sucks so hard my nipples turn temporarily white and I get shooting pain, which is a sign of vasospasms.

6) I felt like the baby was rejecting ME.  It wasn't just the breast he was refusing, it felt like he was telling me to shove off.  It hurt my feelings and I cried...a LOT.  Crazy hormones did not help any.

7) Feeding the baby with a bottle was not hard.  In fact, it was easy.  And there was no nipple confusion.  He literally takes anything and sucks on it.  We did use special bottles that helped, however, and we listened to the lactation specialist and followed her instructions to a tee.

8) Mastitis is evil.  Don't get it.  And if you do get it, go to Kellymom and get all the advice you can.

After you get mastitis, don't get thrush, which is a yeast infection for breasts/nipples.  If you do get it, your baby will probably also get it, and it's very difficult to get rid of.  To avoid thrush after mastitis, take probiotics or acidophilus to counteract the antibiotics the doctor will most likely give you to get rid of the infection.  And change your breast pads often.  Don't let your nipples sit in a wet, moist environment.

9) Let your nipples breathe.  Go without a bra after feedings and just air dry.  They need air to heal.  Then slather on the nipple cream.  Be generous with it.

10) Use gel pads on your nipples.  Put them in the refrigerator and make them cool first, then apply after feedings.  It helps with the pain for a short while.

11) Use a wet, warm disposable diaper on your breast to get the milk flowing, if you have trouble with the letdown.  If the diaper becomes cold, pop it in the microwave for 5-10 seconds and it will warm up nicely.  Be careful not to burn yourself if you're using the microwave.

12) Take hot showers.  Cover your nipples with your hands and let the water hit your breasts.  This will help get the milk flowing, too.

13) Pumping is hideous.  Buy lots of supplies, so you don't have to wash everything every time you pump.  Don't use the highest setting, and don't pump for long periods when you don't have to.  When pumping, drink water.  Also, try to zone out so you don't go insane.  I used to watch television, but now I read books.  It helps make the monotony a little easier to take.

If you are pumping, make sure you have the correct size flanges.  If your nipples are touching the sides of the flange, you should get a larger size.

14) Breastfeeding in public is not as easy as they say.  It's much easier to give the kid a bottle, IMHO, especially if you're shy like I am.  Whipping out a boob in public is hard if you're not completely comfortable with being semi-nude in front of strangers.  If you use a  nursing cover or hooter hider, breastfeeding with your baby squirming underneath a little colorful tent is most definitely going to be a peep show for some lucky dude walking by you.  So no, it's not easy...at least for me.  At home?  Piece of cake.  In public?  Not so much.

15) There are two sides to every coin.  There is the side that says breastfeeding is the miracle of nutrition, and that your baby will be dumb as a stump, get ear infections all the time, be sickly with allergies...blah blah blah...if you don't breastfeed.  Then there's the other side that says it's untrue that breastfeeding gives you all the benefits claimed.  Yes, your baby may have fewer ear infections.  But all the other stuff is really opinion.

You can pick a side, but either way, there is proof for both arguments.

16) Nursing shouldn't take forever.  At first, it will, and it will eat up your entire day mercilessly.  I would feed the baby 30-40 minutes EACH SIDE and be completely doubled over in pain and miserable.  Ugh.  But now that he's got it down and knows how to nurse correctly, he eats for about 8 minutes total.  Remember, you aren't a milk machine.  Your milk will get on a schedule as your baby does, so give it some time and be patient.  A doctor told my friend that a newborn gets all the nutrients and benefits he needs to stimulate the immune system from a few ounces of breastmilk a day.  Just a few.  The rest is just gravy (and bonding, natch.)

Dr. Newman has a great site that shows babies nursing correctly and incorrectly, in case you're interested.

17) Formula is not the devil.  Honestly, people who think formula is poison for the baby are a tad fanatical.  In fact, some pediatricians believe a little formula is a good thing, when it's fortified with vitamin D.

18)  Set short goals.  When you start breastfeeding, don't jump the gun and say, "I'm going to breastfeed for a YEAR!" because you'll beat yourself up if you decide breastfeeding isn't for you.  Just make your goals a month at a time.  At one month, I patted myself on the back and said, "Ok, two months."  It's helped me not give up completely.

19) Don't listen to women who say things definitively.  Women are different, and everyone has a different experience with breastfeeding.  There is no rule book out there that will give you the answers for the entire breastfeeding population on the planet.  What may be right for one woman may be completely wrong for another.  Own your experience and learn from your mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up over breastfeeding just because someone else says you should.

20) It gets easier, but you'll want to quit a million times before it does.  And if you do stop, you're not a bad person.  If your baby is thriving, gaining weight and growing, you are doing a great job at nourishing him.  Formula, breastmilk, bottles or boob, you are doing right by your baby.