Advice to New Mothers

My friend just called with bad news:  She has the dreaded mastitis.

I feel so helpless about the situation, even though I know exactly what she's going through.  It's brutal.  There's really nothing I can do except pray her husband is taking care of her.

I talked to my husband about her situation, which is similar to mine...baby won't latch, baby is being bottle fed, feeling overwhelmed...and we thought about ways to advise her that would actually be helpful, not just talking out of our asses.  Here are some of the words of wisdom we came up with while brainstorming last night:

1) Sleep when the baby sleeps.  No, really.  SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS.  If you can't sleep when he sleeps, then LIE DOWN.  Don't move.  Close your eyes.  Relax.

2) Pump when the baby is in a swing or asleep.  If you can't finish pumping because the baby wakes up or becomes fussy then cut your session short and pump again when he is content.  Use a hands-free pumping bra so you can actually do something other than hold two flanges up to your breasts.  Pump for no more than 20-25 minutes at a time, and less if you can get away with it.  Hand compressions help, so be firm but don't bruise yourself.  Drink lots of water while pumping.  For some strange reason, I always get thirsty when I am on the Medela.

3)  Don't worry about breast feeding so much.  It's great for the baby, but it's not worth losing your mind over.  If you are having a hideous time and are not crazy stubborn to keep it up like I am, then bottle feed or supplement.  There is no law that says you must breast feed.  The pressure put on new moms to breast feed is unfair and sometimes cruel.  Just because you bottle feed (we use breastflow bottles to avoid nipple confusion) your child does not mean you're a bad mother.  It's a choice you make, not a damaging decision that will hurt your baby.

However, if you choose to breast feed and you're hating it right now, I will say this:  It does get better.  It may not seem like it now, but in a few months, something happens.  Maybe the baby gets it.  Maybe his mouth gets bigger.  I have no idea what happened, but my baby went from hating breast to loving it.  The only good advice I ever received about it was "The more you do it, the better he will get at it.  Practice, practice, practice."  So I fed him and winced and cried while I did it.  Four months later, he's eating like a pro.

Use nipple shields, breast shells, and refrigerate gel pads if you can't stand the pain.  However, if you use nipple shields for a prolonged period of time, you will have to wean your baby off them and it may be difficult for a few weeks.  Talk to your local lactation center for advice and help if you use them, too.  They are usually quite good at what they do.  I didn't have as much luck with the La Leche League, but you might.  I generally got better advice from Kellymom.com.

So if you can stand the bloody, sore, peeling nipples that feel like they're on fire and about to fall off for two or three months, definitely try to hold out and keep up the feedings.  It may be hideous now, but it does get easier.  I have to admit, I was a naysayer, but now I see how whipping out your breast instead of mixing a bottle of formula is pretty much the simplest thing to do.

4) Eat well.  Eat often in little amounts.  DO NOT DIET.  The weight will come off eventually, if you get enough exercise and eat well, and especially if you are breast feeding and burning those extra 500 calories a day.  Also, drink lots of water.  Fluids are good for exhaustion and help your body normalize after the trauma of labor and delivery, IMHO.

5) Let people help you.  Do not say no to ANYTHING.  Take everything anyone gives you.  If someone offers to stop by with food, LET THEM.  Let people come over to hold the baby while you sleep or eat or even check your emails...so you can feel like a normal human being again.

On the other side of that coin, however...do NOT let relatives drive you crazy, and that includes your mother.  Whenever I said anything like, "I don't want people around right now, mom..." she would always respond in an insulted tone, "WELL I AM NOT PEOPLE!!"  Amen to that, you crazy humanoid.

That goes for inlaws, too.  Let them know, and let your significant other know, that you are calling the shots.  This is your time to heal, your time to bond, and you get to say when you want family over.  Now, if you have fabulous family, that's great.  Let them in, hand them the baby and have a love fest.

However, if your family is coo coo for cocoa puffs, then SHUT THE DOOR and tell them to come back when you're good and ready.  Don't feel guilty and don't worry about insulting them.  You have your own family now, and taking care of yourself is a part of making sure your child is healthy and happy, too.

6) Don't expect to be in love with motherhood right away.  If you are one of those lucky ladies that falls immediately in love with being a mom, then good on ya.  However, for me, it was hormones gone crazy.  I was miserable and exhausted.  I hated motherhood at first, and no one told me it was going to be that way.  All I ever heard was how amazing it was.  And it is.  Three months later.

7) Don't feel guilty.  If you make mistakes, you will not be doing anything that any other mother has done in the history of mothers.  You are a human being and you learn from your mistakes.  Take them as life lessons and appreciate them as they come.  Don't be hard on yourself, and you will be hard on yourself...harder than anyone else will be, probably.

If you are depressed, talk to someone.  Get help.  Don't wait.  Postpartum Depression is evil and must be wiped out.  There is always an option, be it therapy, medication (some are compatible with breast feeding) and resources.  Reach out and someone will catch you when you fall.

8) NIPPLE CREAM.  Loads of it.  Liberally apply nipple cream at every feeding and pumping.  Damaged nipples usually happens when skin dries out and becomes cracked.  I made the mistake of thinking my nipples were tough enough to take missing a few nipple cream applications.  I was wrong.  I got mastitis a second time at 3 1/2 months.

9) Clean everything that comes in contact with your nipples, and do not leave any wet nursing pads in contact with them.  Cleaning your pumping equipment will help keep you mastitis free, and you do not want mastitis.  It will knock you to your knees.  The nursing pads should be dry because wet and warm is where bacteria grows and you do NOT WANT THRUSH (yeast infection on your nipples) because it will most likely get into your baby's mouth.  Gross and hard to get rid of.

10) You don't have to do laundry every single day.  Let the crap pile up.  It's ok.  Pick a day during the time your husband is home and do a big clean, or better yet, let him clean.

11)  Your husband has to help more than he is, no matter how much he is helping you right now.  He may be awesome, but if you are feeling overwhelmed and tired, he needs to help more.  The reason?  If you just gave birth, you are still healing.  You won't heal if you are stressing out and not getting enough sleep.  You need to give him the bulk of the responsibilities.  That means handing off the baby when your husband/boyfriend comes home from work and taking some time to yourself.  You are working, too, after all.  And you don't get lunch breaks and have support staff to help you out when you're beat.

12)  Let your husband bottle feed your baby at night.  Let him take at least one feeding so you can get a good chunk of sleep.  Pump some milk for the night or supplement formula.  It won't hurt the baby, and in fact, some people think it's best to bottle feed at night so it will be easier to wean him later on.  Also, it's a good time for father to bond with baby.  He won't get that opportunity unless you relinquish a feeding or two.

13)  Don't pump on the highest setting.  Are you trying to rip your nipples off?  'Cus they don't grow back.

14)  The milk will come when the milk comes.  Don't stress if your milk doesn't come in right away or is low quantity.  It's actually not the quantity of milk that matters so much.  A few feedings a day should give your baby the nutrients and benefits from breast milk he needs for the entire day, no matter how much milk you give him.

15)  If you want to up your milk, take fenugreek and eat well.  Fenugreek comes in liquid form, pill form, and tea.  I took mine in tea, three cups a day, and it worked with a vengeance.  I was pumping upwards of 9-12 ounces a SESSION.  It was too much and eventually I had to step it back a little because it was causing plugged ducts.

16)  Freeze your milk supply.  Frozen milk, if stored properly, lasts at least 3 months.  If you have a separate freezer from your fridge, it lasts 6 months.  Save it for those days you want to leave the baby with a friend or daddy.

17) Let your friends come over.  You feel gross, right?  WHO CARES.  Let them come in and hold the baby while you take a shower and rinse the stink off.

18)  Call friends daily.  If you don't have a connection with a human being other than your baby or husband, you will go insane.  Even a ten minute conversation while walking the baby in a sling back and forth in your living room will help you feel normal again, even if only for that ten minutes.

19)  Sling sling sling.  They work and babies benefit from being close to you.  Kangaroo slings are awesome for my baby, although he's stretching the seams.  He sits in it while I walk around, and sometimes dozes off.  At 4 months old, babies don't nap like newborns do.  At times they need a little encouragement to go to sleep.  Later on, when they have better neck control, Ergos are awesome, although not as stylish as the Beco.  The Moby was interesting, but made me feel like either Obi Wan Kenobi or like I was being strangled with yards and yards of fabric.  And the Bjorn, although popular, hurt my back after the baby was heavier than 12 pounds.

20)  Binky it.  We use the gumdrop pacifier and our baby loves it.  Some people have an aversion to the pacifier.  I don't, and here's why.  He needs to be soothed, and he's sucking on my fingers when I need to use my fingers.  Also, pacifiers are said to help lower the risk of SIDS.  If you are worried about your kid being addicted to pacifiers and having the wean them later on, think about it:  You can take away the pacifier, but you can't take away his thumbs.

If you're concerned about the pacifier popping out of his mouth when he's falling asleep and waking him up, then put the pacifier in while he's falling asleep, and then wait until he's in deep REM.  Slooooowly take the pacifier out while he's sleeping.

If you use the pacifier only when he needs soothing, it shouldn't be too much of a concern, IMHO.

21)  Swaddle until he's too big.  We swaddled until 3 months.  Some swaddle to 6 months.  Babies love swaddling.  They sleep better swaddled, too.  We weaned him off the swaddle and he had a few restless weeks, but now he's fine.  Now we put him in The Guardian Sleeper.  Although he's still getting used to it, he's secure, warm, and won't roll over onto his stomach.

22)  Buy everything you need online.  If you don't live next to a baby supply store, ORDER AMAZON.  They literally have everything you would ever need, and usually at lower prices and with no shipping fees.  The items come to your door, and that removes one more trip to the store.

23)  If you are pumping, BUY EXTRA EQUIPMENT.  Buy lots and lots of bottles, tops with membranes, nipples for your bottles...so you don't have to constantly be washing everything.  Buy extra nipple flanges, too, and IN THE CORRECT SIZE.  I can't emphasize that enough. The wrong size rubs up against your nipple and causes friction and damage.  Your  nipple should NOT touch the sides of the flange.

24)  Join a mother's group, like the Day One centers, GGMG or a Yahoo group for moms or parents in your area.  Eventually, you will want to meet moms with babies the same age as yours.  Also, they often have great tips for childcare, infantcare, playgroups and used equipment you may not want to spend $100 on.  Some groups are free, while others are not.  DO IT.  You will be glad you did.

25) LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.  Take a walk.  Sling the baby while he's tiny and walk.  Don't take a humongous diaper bag with you.  My husband bought a tiny manly man diaper bag and he loves it.  It's compact and he can carry it on his shoulder without feeling like Mr. Mom.  All you're going to need is a few diapers, some wipes and an emergency bottle, if you're not breast feeding.  If you are breast feeding, bring a Hooter Hider instead.

26)  Don't be obsessive about the diaper cream.  Seriously, you'll go broke.  The baby will not get a raging case of diaper rash if you skip diaper cream a few times a day.  It's the acidic chemicals/ammonia dermatitis in urine that causes diaper rash most of the time.  Just be sure to wipe every little bit of your baby's bottom and front before sticking him back in the diaper.  Let him air out a little, if you can.  Babies like to be naked.  Just watch out for the boys...they will hose you if they feel so inclined.

27)  Two Costco sized boxes of diapers per size should do you.  We used two boxes from Costco Huggies in size one before the baby grew out of them.  Same for size two.  Don't go crazy with diaper purchases, however.  Wait for the sales and coupons.

28)  Sign up for the Enfamil and Similac sites.  Along with a bunch of spam and junk mail, you will get coupons for formula in the mail, and sometimes free samples.  Also, Walgreens coupons are sometimes 2 for 1 on formula.  If you get lucky like we did, you'll hit them on a day they're having a sale, use your coupon, and buy two big things of formula for $15.

29) Go to a restaurant while he's still a newborn.  The baby will sleep through most meals when he's tiny.  Not so much when he's bigger.

30) God forbid you get mastitis, but if you do USE A DISPOSABLE DIAPER and put warm/hot water in it until it is saturated, but not soaking and dripping.  Apply it to your breast to get the wet heat you need to get your milk flowing.  When it gets cold, microwave it for 5-10 seconds and it will be warm/hot again.  Be careful not to burn yourself.

Also, take warm to hot showers before pumping/feeding.  Cover your tender nipple with your hand and let the water hit your breast for a good 5-10 minutes.  Then, pump or feed to get the infection out.  When you get the infection to come out, you may or may not see gross stringy stuff in your milk and that's normal.  Your baby can eat it or you can strain it out, but let the baby have your milk.  All the antibodies that are fighting the infection in your breast will help him, too.

Call your advice nurse or doctor and they should just send the prescription to the pharmacy for you.  Have your husband/boyfriend pick it up, since most likely you will be too weak to go anywhere.  The antibiotics they give you are not the usual antibiotics, like Penicillin.  Take care to follow the instructions VERY CAREFULLY, or you may vomit or have nausea.

Sleep and pump constantly.  And if you have leftover meds from the labor/delivery for the pain, TAKE THEM.  Tylenol OR Motrin, but not both at simultaneously.

After you take all the antibiotics (TAKE ALL THE MEDS) then you should look into acidophilus or probiotics in pill form to replenish the good bacteria that was killed along with the bad.  If you don't, you are at greater risk of getting a yeast infection, otherwise known as the dreaded thrush. Take the pills during or after the course of antibiotics, it doesn't really matter as far as I can tell.  But take them.

What causes Mastitis?  Bacteria, not emptying your milk often enough, and STRESS.  If you are not taking care of yourself or do not have a good support system, you are more vulnerable to Mastitis.  Take care of yourself.

Kellymom is a great site for breast feeding issues.  Use it!

31)  White noise.  It saved us many nights.  Most babies love white noise because it reminds them of the womb.  It soothes babies to sleep and makes them calmer, for the most part.  We use For Crying Out Loud and the Sleep Sheep.  If your baby is freaking out and screaming, try shushing.  It does work, although it seems weird to be two inches from the baby's ear while making a continuous "SHHHHHHHH" noise.  Do it loudly enough and he will usually calm down.

32)  The DVD Happiest Baby on the Block is worth purchasing if you're having confusion and questions about how to soothe your baby.  We also loved the Armin Brott books and DVDs.

33) We received a wipes warmer as a gift and ended up loving it.  Newborns hate the wet cold wipe in the middle of the night, and it wakes them up in a jarring way. The warm wipe took some of the bite out of that midnight changing.

34)  Speaking of midnight changings, DON'T.  If your baby is wet, let him ride it out if he is still sleeping.  It won't hurt to leave him in a diaper that's wet overnight.  Disposable diapers, if you're using them, don't leave them soaking wet anyway.  Unless it's poop or leaking, leave it be.

35)  If your baby is sleeping through the night (LUCKY YOU) then DON'T wake him/her for feedings. I was advised this before I gave birth and thank God I didn't listen.  We slept well the first three months of the baby's life because he was a great sleeper.  As long as your baby is gaining weight and healthy, he doesn't need to be fed every two hours.  If your baby is underweight, you may be advised by your pediatrician to wake him for feedings, however.

37)  Your hair will fall out.  And I mean it will FALL OUT.  You will think you are going bald at 2 or 3 months.  You won't.  My husband is keen on saying, "You're hair is NORMALIZING.  This is the amount of hair that didn't fall out when you were pregnant."

38)  When the baby hits a certain age, the jumper seat and the kicky seat.  Get them second hand if you can, but they are terrific for play time.  And you can put them in the bathroom while you take a shower, which is AWESOME.  The jumper is for when the baby has good neck control.  The kicky seat is great for any age up to the weight restriction.  Swings are great, if you can afford one, but not absolutely necessary, IMHO.

39)  For you iPhone users, the Total Baby application is awesome for keeping track of diaper changes, feedings, sleep schedules, bathing schedules...anything and everything you want to monitor.  It also averages out everything for you, so you can see what you are doing with the little guy.  We use it religiously and it keeps everything on a consistent schedule.

40)  Don't listen to any advice you don't need or want, including this post I'm writing now.  All women are different.  All babies are unique.  What may work for one may not work for another.  It's not as if there's a rule book that gives you all the answers...otherwise motherhood would be a breeze...and we all know it's not.

41)  Lastly, things do change.  You will not always feel like jumping off a bridge.  You will not always be fighting with your husband because you are both sleep deprived.  It will taper off eventually.

The cruel part is:  Post Partum Depression and baby blues arrive just when you're feeling your worst...right after delivery and when you're thrown into this new world of responsibility.  I told a friend the other day that motherhood, while amazing and rewarding, was like totally deconstructing my old life and building a completely new one from scratch in record time.  I also said it was not uncommon for me to wake up some mornings completely forgetting I had a baby and feeling a weightlessness.  Although that sounds horrible, even as I type it, it's honest.  Some days I just want my old life back.

But what always comes through that doubt and insecurity and feeling of being drowned in responsibility is that baby.  What an incredible gift.  With all the complaining, bitching, moaning and times of pain and suffering, you get a prize.  And he's nothing you would ever trade a lifetime of freedom for.

I won't say it gets easier, however, as many moms told me when I complained.  It becomes hard in a different way.  You get used to the difficulties.  You learn how to tolerate and cope.  You become a mother...the mother you always wanted to be. Be positive whenever possible.  Cry when you want to.  Lean on your family and friends if you can.  Stay strong, and hold out for that moment when the lightbulb appears above your head.  It will come and it will be enlightening.