Seeing that I can't even soothe myself, I shouldn't be surprised. I have been suffering the after-effects of pregnancy, and my hormones have been raging like a waterfall of uncontrolled emotions.
It's been a week and a half and I've been in constant pain and discomfort from the delivery of our son. Although we delivered only a short while ago, it seems like months have passed. My moods have been swinging, my crying non-stop. I can't seem to get a grip on the reality of the situation for more than a few seconds at a time. I feel like I'm suffering from dementia, totally in a daze and making no sense. In an occasional lucid moment, I will talk to my husband about my depression, about my history with it, and how worried I am about my inability to cope.
My history with depression goes back over two decades. I am not unfamiliar to meds, psychologists, and panic. Toward the end of my pregnancy, all I could think about was the dreaded post-partum depression that was talked about on every pregnancy chat board. I knew I was susceptible to it, and probably more than most women. It scared me more than the impending labor and delivery.
And now that the baby has arrived, I am suffering inside, fearing the worst things possible and unable to get out from underneath the avalanche of paranoia.
I am a horrible mother. My baby hates me. I will do something terribly wrong and something bad will happen to the baby. I hate myself. The baby and my husband would be better off without me. I am not cut out for this. I want out. I can't handle a baby. When my husband returns to work full time I will freak out.
The thoughts keep coming. It's nonstop and relentless. I'm sleep deprived as well, which doesn't help.
The baby has become very fussy at night. He is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde baby. During the day he is a prince. He wakes up, eats, looks around, doesn't make a sound except when he's changed.
But as soon as night arrives, he shifts gears and starts screaming. There is a look of terror on his face at times that makes my heart stop. I can't help but wonder if he knows I am a terrible mother.
He's awake and screaming from anywhere between 9 p.m. and 1 a.m. and it has quickly become unbearable. The awake part is fine. The screaming part is killing my last nerve. I pick him up and he screams. I put him down, he screams. I swaddle him, he fights me like he's fighting death. I can't soothe him. I can't make him calm. Nothing works.
I haven't yet come to terms with the idea that we may have a colicky baby, or a fussy baby, or even a high-needs baby on our hands. It makes me cringe thinking this may be our fate for the next three months, as all the baby books have warned.
Husband has had better luck and has become nearly impervious to his crying. But he can't keep this up forever, and he will be going back to work full time soon. This is what I am dreading...I will have to take over the night shift as well as the day shift. It will be pure Hell with no sleep at all.
In the meantime, I have become desperate for help and have contacted my doctors asking for them to intervene in some way with either medication or advice. I've emailed some night doulas in the hopes we might be able to afford extra help with the baby. I don't know what else to do, frankly. In my current state of disrepair, I have no consistency in my logic or moods. Everything is on an hour to hour basis.
I know this spiral all too well, and I'm sad for my baby, for my husband as well as for myself. It's not a good path to be going down.
18 comments:
You are not alone. You are not a bad mom. If you have a history of depression (and if you had infertility treatments, which it looks from your home page like you may have), then you are at a higher risk than most for PPD. Come to Postpartum Progress (http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com) or email me at stonecallis@msn.com and I'll let you know the local resources available to you. You will get better. There IS help.
Oh honey. i have been to hell and back with PPD. Remember IT WILL PASS. its is only temporary. PPD shook me to the core. Its a battle but you will win. If you need to talk or need advice email or go to my blog
samanthafahrney@yahoo.com
Take its day bay day of if thats too much take it hour by hour.
much love!!!
Oh honey, PPD shook me to my very core. remember it is temporary and it will pass. take it day by day and if thats too much then hour by hour. if you need to talk or need advice please email me.
samanthafahrney@yahoo.com or go to my blog
http://afahrneylovestory.blogspot.com/
First, let me commend you for posting this on your blog. I couldn't tell anyone but my partner and my mom about my PPD until my son was almost two years old.
You are tired, you are depressed, you have a new identity and a huge responsibility. That's a huge load to handle, and the fact that you can articulate the problem shows that you are willing to face it. I wasn't. Not for a long time. You are very brave.
I will reiterate what Katherine Stone said in her comment: You are not alone. You are not a bad mom. Her site is a fantastic resource--I only wish I had found it when I was really in the thick of it.
If you need to connect, email me at harperaj@mac.com, or through my personal blog.
Also, about the crying, there is a book that helped me immensely: "The Happiest Baby on the Block" (Dr. Karp). The method he recommends really works to calm a crying baby.
Courage.
I so appreciate your writing, that I hope you don't mind my linking to it from my own blog. I've also taken some of your pregnancy loss links and added them to my site. You provide such a wealth of info...so glad I found it (thanks to Katherine Stone)! I've gone through pregnancy loss (and IVF) and PPD (and a colicky baby, even) myself. Moms speaking up about their experiences is important, so I'm so glad you've got this great blog going! Hiring a postpartum doula will probably help so you can get the rest you need. You sound very knowledgeable and prepared, which is already half the battle. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
Oh, I can really relate. I had awful prenatal depression, post-partum depression, and postpartum ptsd. I remember the nights of no sleep, the days of exhaustion and heart-ache and anxiety so so so well. But I can hear your love and your wisdom in every word you write. You're not a bad mom at all. And it will get better. And there is help. My little girl is almost 3 now, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, thanks to trauma therapy and meds. But those first months of her life were terrible for me. You are not alone. So many of us have felt what you're feeling. My heart aches for you--let me know if there's anything I can do.
I echo the sentiments left before me: You are NOT a bad mother and you are NOT alone. I can relate to your post so much I can feel it. My baby was high needs. I had postpartum depression. My wonderful OB helped me. I also talked with a therapist later in my battle. No, it is not easy but yes, it WILL get better. Continue to seek the help you need until you find it - it's out there. Might I suggest www.fussybaby.ca as a wonderful resource to connect with parents possibly going through something similar. Kudos to you for being open and honest. Please know help is out there.
I understand so much of what you're going through. I can't tell you enough that you are not a terrible mother, that your son does love you despite his cries and that you are a valuable, brave human being, especially for writing. I am suffering somewhere inbetween postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis, and my husband was able to apply for the family medical leave act with his job to come back home (our child is 8 months old) and help. I know that's not available for most families, but I am sending you strength & hope. You are strong and you can get through this.
Thank you all so much for your amazing comments and support. I am grateful for your advice and comfort and will re read your words when I am feeling weak and unable to carry on. Again, my sincere thanks to you all.
I also had to come and tell you you are not alone, and the way you're feeling is not unusual. I've never felt more unable to function than with my PPD. I think you need swift action - hopefully you can get your husband on board to help with that. I don't have much experience with regular depression, but I know a lot of my PPD was situational, and eased once we fixed some things. So I'm going to give you a list of suggestions - please just disregard or ignore, and I hope I haven't annoyed you. They are as follows:
medication as needed - there are ones compatible with breastfeeding, and if you're not breastfeeding then whatever works
omega 3 - fish oil - pills - a lot - they've done studies and this helps with depression.
asking for help - can you ask neighbours/family/friends for help with bringing you some home cooked meals, helping you with laundry. I know you feel like you don't want to see anyone, but if anyone can come with practical help it will make you feel much better. Failing that, a night dualla is a fantastic idea. Now is not the time to economise - your mental health is worth far more than money.
cheats which help - like online grocery shopping with delivery, ready made meals - anything which helps you get through the day.
and the last, and really important - a little bit of me time during the day - time to shower, time to read, sleep whatever - without the sound of a crying baby in your ears. you need some earplugs, and you need someone to take the baby out for a stroller walk for an hour - just so you can decompress. and you need this regularly. I hope you can get it!
oh and one tiny thing which really helped us - a sling. It soothes babies so easily and makes your life easier - initially I got my son to sleep in the sling, and then put him gently in bed after 20 minutes. It worked wonderfully. I only regretted not using one earlier.
I hope none of this is annoying, please just ignore it if it is, I really really hope you feel better soon, and just to tell you, the feeling on the other side once you've conquered the PPD is a good one.
I echo the others. You are a GOOD Mommy and you are NOT alone. This feels awful. And it feels awful that being a Mom feels awful because being a Mom is supposed to feel wonderful, but the dirty little secret is, it doesn't ALWAYS feel that way.
You doing all the right things. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and survival. You're doing just what you should. The little bit that I've read here tells me that you are a survivor. And this is what I know: you will get through this. And not too far down the line you are going to turn around and read this post and look at this time period and you are going to say, "I overcame that. I survived that. And I am better for it."
Keep doing what you're doing and know it won't feel like this forever.
First, please know...KNOW you are not alone. I know it's hard to see the light because I am in a similar place...but I have faith..some days I'm not as sure..but I have faith that things will get better and I will come out stronger from all of this...so know you are not alone... it is not your fault...
Also, please, please do something to get more sleep... that alone can do wonders!
my blog is ohanalifewitharie@blogspot.com...or email me at clara.g.haycraft@gmail.com if you ever feel lonely and you just need someone to relate to.
We feel for you. Having gone through this exactly one year ago, I completely understand.
Ask anyone and everyone you know to help you. With baby care, with meals, with everything.
Try your best to find some money to hire a doula or home health aide to take care of the baby overnight, at least a few nights a week. This helped me tremendously.
It seems you know about meds, doctors, etc. Find a therapist, even if you have to go through a few to find a good one.
Ask someone to look after the baby for a little bit while you get out, get some air and do something for yourself.
Just put one foot in front of the other every day. Sometimes we forget how strong and brave we are.
I also recommend Moms On Call. When I was in the beginning stages of my PPD, I was doing anything I could to get sleep and learn how to teach my baby to sleep. This program helped me, in combination with HBOTB by Karp. You will get better...have hope, take it one day at a time, and reach out for help. Feel free to contact me, I would be happy to speak with you and reach out to see if there is a PPD Support Group in your area...PSI has a list.
I am crying reading your post. I am experiencing PPD as well. My baby was born 09-05-09 and I have had "the blues" ever since I got home from the hospital. My baby has been wonderful, but I still cannot control the depression. I cry for no reason, I feel trapped and lost, I am not eating well and feel like a failure. I know I need to get on some meds, but I am trying to avoid that because my goal was to stay off anti-depressants. I am desperate to talk to someone who understands what I am going through, because my husband does not understand that depression IS a disease and not something I need to just deal with. Any advice would be very helpful. My e-mail address is jennyvickery1@yahoo.com.
First and foremost, you are not in this alone. There are many women out there, reading this blog who do not even know you and are here to let you know that you WILL get past this.
I'm officially over postpartum depression and your blog sounds like something I would have written in May.
I got through this and you will too. People told me that I would get through it and it was so hard to believe them. I wanted to, I really did but I felt so very low. Anxiety, depression, insomnia. No desire to eat or drink. I was in a tailspin. As soon as I reached out for professional help, things got better.
Thank God that this only went on for as little time as it did. I can say now, that I'm back to my old self. Believe it or not, I'm an even stronger person from it.
Hang in there, reach out for help, take help when offered, get lots of rest, eat well and exercise!
Wishing you nothing but the best!
Kelly
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't allow yourself to feel like you're the only one who has felt this panic. i have BEEN THERE in the depths and you WILL come out! i too have been diagnosed with clinical depression and been on medications for about 10 years. when my oldest son was born (he's almost 6 now) i felt like such a failure whenever he cried - like i was supposed to be able to fix it immediately. it seemed like such an assault everytime he did. PLEASE do yourself a favor and tell yourself that babies JUST CRY - it's all they can do and it has nothing to do with whether or not you're a good mom! try to remind yourself that when your baby cries, that you're allowing him to express something he doesn't understand. my second major point is - if you are breastfeeding, i suggest talking to your doctor and seeing if you can stop, because as long as you breastfeed, those hormones will continue to wreak their cruel havoc. no breast milk is worth what you're going through right now!!!! i made that same decision with my second son and he is 3 1/2 now. i had to stop!!! and don't let yourself feel like a failure for that either. please sit outside and get plenty of sunlight - VERY important. be smart and take care of yourself first. my email if you (or anyone else posting here) needs to talk is: nancy_heard@timeinc.com
Thank you everyone. The support and concern has been overwhelming. I am so touched by your words. I read the comments nearly every day and they do help me through difficult times. Thank you again. I am amazed by the kindness of strangers!
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