Month One

The last time I wrote "Month One" was when I was one month pregnant. This month, however, indicates the first thirty-some days of my son who was born not long ago. I can hardly believe he has hit this mini-milestone already. He has grown heavier, smiles more, almost giggles (but not quite)...he's becoming himself. I wanted to take credit for creating this life, but in reality, he's creating his own. I have very little to do with the character he is turning into.

Lately, I have been staring at him while he sleeps, sneaking peeks at him while he lays quietly on a pillow, smelling his freshly washed hair, stealing kisses from his soft cheeks. Babies are intoxicating. They make you forget the world around you, the troubles that surround you. They are the best cure-all for a bad day...when they're not screaming, that is.

When he screams and cries, I die a little inside. My heart aches in a way that is physically painful to me. I can't seem to hold back a few tears of insecurity. I feel incapable of caring for him, even for that short time of chaos. It throws me back into a sad state of being, one I have tried so hard to get over.

But after the crying, I realize the misinterpretation. I always assume it's because he hates me. It's not that at all, I rationalize to myself. It's a baby. Babies cry for no reason at all, sometimes. Burping, eating, pooping...sometimes nothing will sooth him. Live with that, mommy. You have to be ok with that. There is no choice in the matter.

I thought about this mini-milestone and what I should do to commemorate this occasion. Should I eat a cupcake? Blow out a candle? Instead, I wrote this letter to my one month old son...

Dear Darling Boy,

I love you more than life. You are my heart. I will never feel love for someone the way I feel love for you, sweet boy.

But when I think of your birth and your first month on this earth, I have to apologize for how sad I was. I should have celebrated more, appreciated you more. Instead, I cried a lot. I felt despair. I couldn't feel happy to have you. I felt as if I didn't deserve you, because you were perfect and you were amazing.

I'm different after one month of having you, though. I loved you from the first kick in my belly. I loved you from the moment I felt you push through me. I never loved you less, I always loved you more. But now that I've had you in my arms for a month, I know why I love you so much. You are a person who deserves the most love I can muster.

So I promise you, baby boy, that I will persevere through depression. I will be the best I can be. I will become the person you deserve to have as your mother.

I love you.

Your Mommy