Doctor's appointment. 11 a.m.
The doc checked me out and nothing had moved significantly. My cervix was at 1.5 dilated and I was 50% effaced. My mucus plug had started coming out in the form of a lovely brownish sticky goo over the last few days and we were feeling hopeful. But 1.5 is not the number we were hoping for. With all the Braxton Hicks I was feeling, I thought it would be closer to the starting gate. Just goes to show that nothing is what it seems in pregnancy. You could be 9 cm dilated and not even know it, from what those TLC shows say.
The doc decided to "get things moving" by sticking her finger into my cervix and running it around in there, separating the membranes, apparently. It was unpleasant, but I was desperate. If I'd known you could stick fingers in there in the first place, I probably would have done it myself long before the appointment ever took place.
We left, me feeling slightly violated and annoyed, Hub feeling excited and hopeful, as usual. He was in this state of euphoria constantly, but especially in the last month when everything seemed to be drawing to a close. He couldn't be seen without a slap-happy grin spread across his face at all times. I, on the other hand, was suffering from a variety of nasty symptoms ranging from carpal tunnel to mood swings akin to the worst PMS on the planet. I was waddling from corner to corner of the house, trying to keep busy, trying not to kill people in my way. The pregnancy had finally caught up with me. I had gone from 8 1/2 months of pre-natal bliss to absolute and concentrated hatred for the world. Being one day past my due date was like taunting an alligator with fresh kill. I was seriously in need of pain medication and muscle relaxants, and a lot of them, preferably together with a shot of vodka.
That afternoon, around 2:30, our friend came by. She is an acupuncturist and just happened to be in our neighborhood. Sensing impending doom upon talking to me on the phone, she offered a home visit at half price. "Let's do an induction and see if we can jump-start this labor for you." she said, as if it was a no-brainer. I jumped at the chance. Actually, at this point, I probably would have done anything short of murdering someone to get the labor started.
My friend came over with the needles and stuck me with just nine. Nine needles and a little walking and she was done. She told me to relax, not worry, things would happen very soon. I just grumbled something about being 10 months 6 days pregnant, gave her a big hug and started praying to whomever is up there to please deliver me a baby tonight.
30 minutes later, strong contractions began. I couldn't believe it. Acupuncture induction worked?! Well, that and my obgyn sticking her fingers to loosen my membranes...together, it worked!? I was in amazement...and in serious pain.
I started huffing and puffing just like I saw in every movie of the week, until I realized it wasn't helping at all with the pain. The contractions came and went, one every four to five minutes, each one lasting about 60 seconds. THIS WAS IT. I WAS IN LABOR. Whoo whoo whoo whoo...I took shallow breaths just to keep from passing out, since my first instinct was to hold my breath until the contraction passed.
The pain wasn't like a wave. It was like a stabbing. I felt like someone had grabbed a hold of my uterus and said, "Hey, lookie at this squeeze toy." and then squished my internal organs until they almost popped. It was intense, sharp, stabbing pain. A wave would have been a welcome sensation, but it definitely was not a gentle lapping motion of water kissing the shores. It was an episode of Law and Order where someone gets murdered in a bloody mess. That someone being ME.
Hub was excited and called the hospital. Their response to our excitement was this, "Sorry. We are full. You'll have to go to Walnut Creek."
My husband's jaw dropped. Then, it clenched. Then he spoke clearly into the phone, calmly, with a hint of anger. "HO NO. We are NOT going to Walnut Creek." He spoke very clearly into the phone.
The nurse on the other end of the line responded by repeating herself, "Sorry, but we are full. We have to reroute you to Walnut Creek."
Hub's face was deathly serious. He said in a less calm voice, "Listen, I know for a FACT you have room. You won't turn us away if we show up there. I am NOT going to drive my wife, who is in LABOR, over the bridge to Walnut Creek in RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. It's 5 o'clock. There is no way I am doing that. So make room, because WE ARE COMING RIGHT NOW."
Click.
At this point, I was in tears and rambling on between contractions, which were literally taking my breath away. "IDON'TWANNAGOTOWALNUTCREEK!" I cried, "It will take us 2 hours to get there in rush hour traffic! PLEASE CALL THEM BACK!"
The second phone call was far more civil. An hour had passed since he had first called the hospital, and the contractions were stronger, more vicious. I was sweating, bent over in complete panic. Hub got on the phone with a different woman, and this time he said, "We will NOT be going to Walnut Creek. If you don't have room for us there, we'll find room at Cal Pacific Med Center and we will be sending YOU the humongous bill."
Apparently, that worked wonders. We were welcome with open arms. Money talks.
Once inside the car, I was looking for anything to get me through the next cramp from Hell. I grabbed the handle of the door and nearly ripped it off the hinges with my adrenaline powered She-Hulk strength. By the time we made it to the passenger zone of the hospital, I couldn't move from my seat. Every three or four minutes another one would hit me and then I would become incapacitated. Time would stop, I would freeze, hoping against hope that in suspended animation, the contractions would go away.
Luckily, a female orderly was dropping off a patient and wheeling an empty chair inside. In a semi-panicked state I shoved Hub toward her and hissed, "GET HER."
As she helped us into the chair, she offered some support and sympathy, which made me even more nervous, anxious, and annoyed. Why is everyone so freaking happy!? I AM IN PAIN HERE.
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