1) Papaya, water and ground flax seed are your friends, although not all at once. Put it in your cereal, oatmeal, or yogurt to help with constipation. What? TMI?
2) Nothing gets rid of crippling pelvic pain...water, exercise, rest, prayer...ZIP, NOTHIN', NADA.
3) Husbands mean well, but know not what they do. Saying things like, "Oh, don't worry. You'll lose the weight!" is NOT HELPFUL and in fact puts a lot of pressure on. Saying things like, "I don't give a &$#% what you weigh. I love you no matter what, mother of my unborn child!" is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE. Know it. Say it. Survive to live another day.
4) That fat feeling is not going away any time soon. Breast feeding is not the miracle weight loss cure. You will be overweight until you become a marathon runner. Love your body, even though it goes against every magazine, television show, and Neiman Marcus sales person you see every day.
5) In-laws are God's test to see if you are patient enough to be a parent. They will call you twice a day, every day, for the last three months of your pregnancy. They will threaten to be at the birth. They will offer to stay at your house for weeks on end as soon as you have the baby, thinking they're being "helpful." You are perfectly within your right to say NO WAY. They're not being helpful by being house guests. They are dying to see the baby. That's all. It's selfish on their part, although not purposefully so. SAY NO TO STRESS.
6) Your bladder is now a step stool for the baby. Map out the entire city so you know where every clean bathroom is located. You will be running to them every time you leave the house.
7) There are some stupid people out there that think it's ok to make rude commentary on your situation, although they are complete strangers. Just to recap previous posts: It is NOT OK to say, "GOD YOU LOOK ENORMOUS." or "ARE YOU EXPECTING TWINS?!" Nor is it ok to touch/rub/molest the belly, if you are a stranger. PERSONAL SPACE does not disappear as soon as someone conceives a baby...stupid.
8) Punching said stupid people is against the law. Although I don't think any jury on the planet would convict me. I won't test my theory, though. I am far too pregnant for jail.
9) Baby shows on TLC will make you freak out eventually. At first they'll be inspiring. Then, they'll be intriguing. After four months of watching, TERRIFYING. Natural births and water baths usually have the women screaming for death.
10) Boredom and loneliness come with not being able to drive or leave the house at 9 months pregnant. So does depression. It's hard to stay upbeat and excited when your carpal tunnel is preventing you from escaping the Law and Order marathons.
11) Men really DO think they will poke the baby if they have sex with you. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
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