The Flu + Pink Eye + 8 Months Pregnant = ONE SEXY BEAST

The flu hit my house like a brick through a window.  There was no warning, no preventative medicine, no hope once it arrived.  My husband had it first, which I thought was a simple cold.  But suddenly, it morphed into a nasty, snot-filled, coughing, phlegm-coated hot mess.  I had coughing fits that required dozens upon dozens of pairs of underwear, due to the incontinence issue that has been plaguing me since my first born arrived.  I also sneezed quite frequently, which required a second dozen pairs of underwear.  Obviously, my hotness factor was out of control.

I was in the urgent care room with a doctor with the personality of a stale piece of bread.  He took a culture for strep, handed me a prescription for Robitussin with codine and shoved me out the door.  I immediately downed the cough syrup and felt the urge to hack up a lung crawl back into my throat.  That night I actually slept four hours straight.  A MIRACLE.

At three o'clock in the morning, I woke with a leaking face.  My eye was tearing up so badly it had actually gotten me out of a dead sleep.  Now at eight months, the only thing waking me up on a regular basis was the urge to pee or the baby practicing his Krav Maga on my internal organs.  A tearful eye?  This I had to check out.

I looked in the mirror, which I regretted immediately.  Puss, crust, watery tears...PINK EYE.  At this point, I looked to the heavens through a fuzzy eye and silently prayed for death.  Being sick for over a week, and now PINK EYE, quite possibly the most disgusting, least sexy of all the infections.

I was back in the urgent care room with the same stale piece of bread doctor.  He recognized me and pushed me out the door with another prescription with hardly a glance.  Not that I blame him...I was hideous.  If I were treating me, I would have looked away in disgust and poked me with a stick for good measure.

I went to work the next day and told my tale of woe to anyone who would listen, but there wasn't much sympathy to be had.  Nearly everyone and their families had suffered through the same flu and some were still trying to rid their house of it.  The pink eye just made them stay the Hell away.  The only solace I took was knowing there was no way this could get worse.

Then, a kid threw up on my shoes.  

Maverick Belly

People keep asking me how this pregnancy is comparing to the last, and honestly, this time around it's been a cake walk...except...

1) Exhaustion.  I'm definitely old.
2) Working full time sucks when you're pregnant.  No getting around it.
3) More frequent heartburn.  Fire burps.
4) The 50 foot waves on my belly are simply unreal.  I see elbows poking out of my side at any given moment.
5) Cramping in my pelvis.  Weird, unexplained cramping that comes and goes.
6) Incontinence.  It was a little annoying in the last pregnancy.  Now, it's constant and gross.  I hate smelling like pee...especially when it's MY pee.

Of all the things I just mentioned, I think the belly thing is the craziest.  Sometimes I just grab random people's hands and put them on my stomach, just to have someone validate how insane the movement is.  This baby is always moving.  ALWAYS.  So much so, when the doctor gave me the kick count card, I snickered.

Other than that, this pregnancy has been a pretty decent ride.  I can't complain...except, I just did.

Comparing Numbers

My last pregnancy:

Start weight 144

153 - 18 weeks - 9 pounds gained - 0.5 pound a week
164 - 24 weeks - 20 pounds gained - 0.54 pound a week
169 - 28 weeks - 25 pounds gained - 1.25 pounds a week
172 - 32 weeks - 28 pounds gained - 0.75 pound a week
177 - 35 weeks - 33 pounds gained - 1.6 pounds a week
180 - 36 weeks - 36 pounds gained
185 - 40 weeks - 41 pounds gained

This pregnancy:

Start weight 140

148 - 20 weeks - 8 pounds gained
155 - 24 weeks - 15 pounds gained
157 - 28 weeks - 17 pounds gained
162 - 31 weeks - 22 pounds gained
166 - 34 weeks - 26 pounds gained
170 - 37 weeks - 30 pounds gained

Heartburn and Heart Attacks

Oh the joys of the third trimester!  Right?

The last time I was pregnant, the third trimester was pretty great.  In fact, it was fabulous.  I was off work and sitting on my butt the entire time.  There was no toddler to chase around the house, no cooking, no working.  The Food Channel was on 24/7 and I would occasionally sent my husband out for my latest craving.  I was just an incubator, sitting pretty, growing a human in my uterus.  No big whoop.

This time it's a little different.  I'm working full time in a very challenging job.  I have a toddler who is trying to kill me by giving me a heart attack with every move he makes.  My back is killing me, heartburn is like a plague, and I'm leaking.  Yes, I'm leaking.  One strong cough, surprise sneeze, or hearty laugh and I'm done for.  In other words:  HOT.

Meanwhile, the little man of the house is finding out he can not just walk, but run at a tilted-angel, full-speed ahead.  He can also not look where he's stepping and fall flat on his face.  Depending on how much of a nap he has, he screams or just dusts himself off and keeps on running.

He also is figuring out how to climb...on everything.  The sofa is his easiest accomplishment.  Now he has moved on to the kitchen chairs, which he likes to stand on once conquered.  He eyeballed the coffee table the other day, too.  Watching him walk used to be such a fun sport.  Now, it's, "Holy God, where is he going and what is he going to destroy now?!"

He is a problem solver, like his daddy.  Watching him look at something gives me the chills.  He stands like a deer, just examining whatever he is trying to unlock, unscrew, or undo.  Then, he gingerly pokes at it with a finger or two, touching all of the details, seeing what goes where.  When I open a cabinet, he is often watching from a close distance, seeing how everything works.

In other words, I just spent $120 on childproofing supplies...and I have little faith that any of them will outlast our kid's wit.

Womb Soccer

What the Hell is going on in my belly?!  It's constant movement, all the live long day.  This baby is doing some kind of Jujitsu mixed in with a Krav Maga move that makes my stomach look like a game AT&T park during a rousing bout of "The Wave."

I thought my panicked Googling days were over, but in this case I found myself checking the internet for things like, "overactive fetus" and "pre-natal ADHD."  This can't be right.  Can a fetus move this much in that cramped a space?  I'm just waiting to hear a "craaaa-aack" and a broken rib to protrude from my chest. This baby is trying to break out of the pokey a few months early.

And in other news:  No more midnight shows of Aliens for me.

From Speed Bump to Big Belly

The 23 week visit went relatively well...until doc told me I had had a "growth spurt" in the last month. Apparently I gained 5 pounds. My last visit I weighed in at a respectable 149. This visit, I tipped the scales at 155.

Coincidentally, this was also the week my cute bump morphed into an officially big belly. I now forage for clean maternity clothes anywhere I can find it in the house. The only criteria for wearing it is that it has to fit. It's a miracle I'm not a nudist at this point in my pregnancy.

Full Brat Day

Today marked the very first time our kid went full-out brat.  That means he whined, cried and freaked out at the park when he didn't get his way, and then came home and whined, cried and freaked out just to drive the point home.  He pulled every classic maneuver in the book, including the limp-fish, which requires the child attempting it to go completely limp while throwing an impressive fit.  On a tantrum-throwing skill level, it's about a seven.

Today was such a change in his behavior that my husband actually turned to me after dealing with his limp-fish son and said, "Seriously, we need to mark this in his baby book."

This is not to say that little man hasn't had a few choice tantrums before.  He certainly has had his share of crying bouts.  But none has been as completely annoying as the ones he threw today.  We are spoiled by his good natured behavior every day of the week, so this should come as no surprise.  It's just the universe saying, "Everyone who thinks their child is a perfect angel, step one foot forward.  NOT so fast, couple with the limp-fish tot over there."

But honestly, we felt the brat thing was a little overdone.  A little brat is ok, and could even be considered "determined" or "strong."  A moderate helping of brat in a day can be tolerable, and some appreciate the kid who can pull off that much brat and still manage to come across as "endearing" or "tenacious."  But a complete brat is nothing but...a complete brat.

Someone needs to take him aside and let him know that you NEVER go full brat.

Mr. Independent

Well, hello there month fifteen.  You are sneaking up on me like a panther in a grassy field, but I am on to you, little man.

The baby has officially stumbled into toddlerhood, and by stumbled I mean he is walking like a drunk looking for his next fifth.  I can't seem to keep up with him while five months along, so my husband has been doing a lion's share of the work, decent fellow that he is.  He is doing the heavy lifting, too, since our kid is now 28 pounds and 32 inches long.  I have trouble carrying him across the room, which pains me somewhat because that is the only time he will stay still long enough for me to smother him with cuddles and kisses.  You see, apparently I am raising the World's Most Independent Kid.  True story.

This becomes a real issue in public, when we are trying to stroll with him.  He simply won't have it, this strolling thing, and MUST be released from his seatbelt IMMEDIATELY or ELSE HEADS WILL ROLL.  And roll they do.  I have bought stock in Tylenol...baby and adult formula.

Once put on the ground, we see nothing but a poof of dust and he's gone...down the street, stumbling with no fear.  Try to hold his hand and he will attempt to gnaw it off at the wrist.  He doesn't want pity!  He can do it himself, dammit!

At the park, he wanders aimlessly, going from lap to lap and checking the food goods.  If it's acceptable, he'll simply extend his hand and open his gaping maw in a gesture of, "FEED ME."  This would be horribly embarrassing if he weren't a baby and cute.  I know this because when I do it, my husband is just mortified.

But he doesn't seem to need us.  That's the thing that both relieves and worries me simultaneously.  He doesn't want us around, frankly.  And when he's at the park, he's socializing with his peeps.  He doesn't want us helping him up or holding him steady.  He wants to fall down and find his way back up by himself.  It's not a little heart-wrenching.

It's as if he's already walking away from me with a dismissive glance over his shoulder.  "See ya, mom." And then he's grabbing the car keys out of my hand and driving to Burning Man with a girl named Jupiter.

Amazon has those "backpack" leashes, right?

Eight Pounds

I hit the 20 week mark on Sunday and saw my doctor for my monthly visit and weigh in.  So far, I have gained a total of eight pounds.  What'chu say?  Eight pounds?  That's barely a watermelon!  And I KNOW I have eaten at least fifty pounds of watermelon since 20 weeks ago...that and In-N-Out burger...animal style.

My last pregnancy, I had gained nine pounds in 18 weeks, so by all accounts, I am definitely not eating my weight in food this time around.  Although I kinda am.  Also, I am the size of a manatee. So really, this makes no sense at all.

However, I do not look a gift horse in the mouth.  Since hearing the news, I have tried my best not to shovel food in my mouth and eat the worst things possible just to settle my insatiable cravings for saturated fat and calories.  Good on me!

Honestly, I do it for the sake of the baby.  And the sake of my lady parts.  If you have a giant baby like I did, that last push in labor is a doozy.

The End of Teething

Congratulations to our little dude for cutting the last of a full set of teeth at 14 months.  No more excessive drooling.  No more Tylenol.  It was a lot of pain and suffering, but now you can eat potato chips!  Mom's potato chips!  All of them!  TOTALLY WORTH IT.