There must be a way to say this delicately, but I surely don't know how. I would rather Boxing Helena myself than get pregnant right now. The very thought of having another pregnancy right now makes my hair stand on end. That's how tired I am.
So when my husband looks longingly at little newborns in their strollers as we walk down the street, I break into a cold sweat. My heart feels like it may explode. I suddenly can't feel my face. It can't be that he wants ANOTHER baby so soon?!
The issue isn't that I don't think about having another baby. It's that I don't know if I want one. And if I think about it too much, my brain hurts. The conversation my head and heart have is something like this:
HEAD: You can't possibly think that having another baby will be a good thing. You're broke. You have no time. You're both working. How would you do it?
HEART: Yes, but wouldn't it be nice for our little boy to have a sibling? I mean, then he would have someone to commiserate with about his crazy family.
HEAD: A sibling would be nice. So would food and electricity.
HEART: Sure, it would be tight budgeting for a family of four, but in the long run, don't you think it's best to have two kids so they can keep each other company? Think of how much they can give to one another!
HEAD: No.
HEART: Yes!
In the end, it will be my uterus and aging eggs that will decide. If, in a few years, we start trying for another child, it will be after many conversations about the "what ifs."
Yes, the dreaded "what ifs" are back, and in full force.
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