You and Me, and Me and You

The one thing about this pregnancy that has been difficult to reconcile is the ridiculous amount of advice/warnings/stories/tales of terror I have been hearing from nearly every mother on the face of the planet.  If there is a woman within a five block radius or internet connection of me who has had the experience of having grown a human inside her uterus, I have heard from her.  

Although it's friendly and not meant to be unkind (for the most part) I can't say it's not annoying.  I love good, helpful advice about doctors, hospitals, and whatnot.  However, the stories that start and/or end with the phrase "just you wait" (usually said in an ominous tone, or worse, with a laugh at my expense) are more than annoying...it's downright nasty.

I'm a big proponent of knowledge.  I like knowing what will happen next, being the control freak I am, and I often Google to the point of stupidity.  

But it's hard to hear over and over and over again from pretty much every woman on the planet who has had children, "You know nothing, stupid.  Let me enlighten you."

What makes it all the more difficult is that the "great" advice I have heard so far has been WRONG...at least, in my case.  Nothing I've been told would happen has happened yet.  All the freaky stories about the 1st trimester have not applied to me so far.  And now, in the 2nd trimester, same story...so all that anxiety and anticipation of horrible things happening were for naught.  For instance:

Trimester 1:  

You will get horrible, debilitating morning sickness.  You will vomit all day and night and won't be able to keep anything down.

You will have the worst mood swings of your life and your husband will think you are possessed by the devil.

You will have terrible back pain from the hormones.

You will have insane cravings for very specific things.

You will get the worst acne of your life.

You will have constipation that will make you want to die.

You will have heartburn and digestive issues from hell.

You will be exhausted to the point of tears.

If you eat tuna you are a bad person because you are hurting your baby.

Trimester 2:

You will have horrible back pain from the weight.

You will gain 30 pounds in a month.

Your feet will swell to the size of large bricks.

Your gums will rot and bleed until your teeth fall out.

You will not be able to sleep because the baby will kick you so much.

You won't be sleeping at all, actually, because you will be so uncomfortable.

Trimester 3 and delivery:

You're going to be ripped apart by the delivery.

Labor is going to suck so bad you'll want to kill yourself.

You will have to have an episiotomy.  And it will hurt like hell.

You're going to want to induce after 38 weeks, you'll be so huge.

You'll be so unhappy by the time you're full term, you won't remember how happy you are right now.

The baby will be huge and the head will rip your vagina to shreds.

I spent many a night tossing and turning about all of the above, thinking at any moment all or most of these things were going to plague me to the point of hating my pregnancy and curse this poor unsuspecting fetus.  Instead, none of the above happened.  Not even a little drop of vomit.  

Now, the 3rd Trimester may be just as horrible as they say.  I have no clue.  This is all new to me.  But the thing is, it's MY pregnancy.  It's MY experience.  Let me have it, because it will undoubtedly be totally different than yours.

I love my friends.  But the "advice" wasn't coming off as advice.  Instead, it felt more like a schoolyard teasing...nyah nyah, you're going to be MISERABLE.  Just you wait and see.  

I'm not miserable, not by a longshot.  This pregnancy has been swell, by all accounts.  

But I certainly don't need help being paranoid and anxious.  I do very well with that all on my own, thanks.