We are Pregnant

I've finally come to believe that yes, I am pregnant.  This is not a bowling ball, it's a baby.  I did not eat too many cheeseburgers, I am growing a human.  It took a good 5 months to believe it, but I'm finally ready to accept the fact that I will have a baby in 4 months.  Whew.

Although we purchased a video recorder, I can't seem to get up the nerve to actually be on camera.  Feeling like a bloated bouncy house may have something to do with it.  Mostly, it's because of my vanity, and I am wholly ashamed of myself for being so conceited.  But when your clothes look like they're three sizes too small for your body, you don't always feel so photogenic.  

This week, I have vowed to get over myself and finally allow pictures and video to be taken.  This will prove to be a difficult task, since even before I was pregnancy heavy I hated getting pictures taken.  I believe in that belief that a photograph STEALS YOUR SOUL.

Ok, not really.  But it was worth a shot.  I'm looking at any excuse at this point, although I know I will regret not having photos after the fact.  I do want the baby to have something to see, a sort of chronicle of his pre-birth.  I love my baby videos and I want him to have the same opportunity to watch them when he's old enough to laugh at how cute he was...or in my case, unbelievably fat.

Week 21 is nearly here, and I wait for it with unbearable anticipation.  It's passing slowly.  I wait for the day when I can relax and actually enjoy this pregnancy like everyone says I should.  However, I still check for movement and signs of life every morning.  I can't seem to get past the idea that there is something wrong, and it hangs on me like an albatross.

The idea that I might have a Down Syndrome child has crossed my mind every five minutes for the entire five months I've been pregnant.  I can't help thinking about the unknown every minute of the day, which makes me think that maybe we should have risked doing the amnio.  

However, husband was so committed to NOT doing the amnio (with the risk of miscarriage at 1:300) I agreed to put it away with the rest of my fears and deal with not having a definitive answer.  

I have to be ok with the outcome, no matter what, since I would not have wanted to terminate regardless of Down Syndrome or not.  But the not knowing makes me a crazy person.  I am far more of a control freak than I thought I was.  

Be prepared...it's not just the Boy Scout motto after all.