The Never-ending Cycle

I am now on CD 31.  Apparently, and according to Fertility Friend, I ovulated on CD 27...NOT CD 17, as I first thought.  

I wanted to deny it, because if Fertility Friend is correct, the husband and I sexed it up on all the wrong days.  Alas, my temperature spiked an entire degree overnight on the 25th, which proves I am currently experiencing the longest fucking cycle ever in the history of mankind.  

The only thing I am hoping for is a normal luteal phase of 12-14 days.  If this wish comes true, however, my period will begin on CD 41 (or not, if pregnant.)

I want a Guinness Book reference for this one.  

Mutant LH Surge

Three days of positive OPKs.  One negative HPT test.  CD 26.

Here are the two possibilites...

PREGNANT:

Positive OPKs

High/Soft/Closed Cervix

Creamy to eggwhite Cervical Mucus

Bloated

Low energy

PERIOD:

Temperatures fluctuate, but never rise very high.

Negative HPT test

No pregnancy symptoms besides bloating

Am I a mutant?  Wait and see.  Maybe I'll sprout wings and fangs soon.  

Actually, that would explain a LOT.

LH Overflow

I took an OPK on 16 cd and it seemed to come up positive, although I never trust these stupid tests anymore. Bah!

But here's the rub...I've been taking them every day, twice a day (and spending an obscene amount of money on them) to see if I truly ovulated or not. My temperature had not spiked, and I wasn't ready to accept the idea of anovulation yet. I took another OPK yesterday (24 cd) in the morning, and it seemed to be positive again.

Still unsure and out of curiosity, I waited until noon and took yet another test, because it has been noted that early morning urine is not best for OPKs. This time, there was no mistaking the darker test line. Positive? 24 cd? Twice in a cycle?

Because I'm obviously a masochist, I repeated again today...once in the morning, once in the afternoon.  Both positive, with an even darker line.  

Of course, I found something through some irresponsible Goggling to make me insane with hope and anxiety.  

A woman trying to conceive asked her doctor if she could use Ovulation Predictor Tests (OPK's) as Home Pregnancy Tests (HPT's). The reason for the question is that it is asked a lot on "trying to conceive" web sites. Many women will have an extra OPK after ovulating and may want to use it as an HPT. Here is what the doctor said.

The chemical make-up of LH (LH is the hormone that triggers the release of the egg and is very high prior to ovulation and causes a positive result on an OPK), is one thread short of being hCG (HCG is produced by the placenta during prenancy and it is what HPT's look for). That is why you will not get a + hpt if you are having your LH surge, but you will get a + OPK if you are pregnant, that one thread that is in the hCG, but missing from the LH is what makes the hpt work.

But on the other hand, he did say that an OPK is probably the most sensitive hpt you can buy. He said that there are two ways to use it.

1. Using it daily and if your test line gets darker then you are most probably pregnant

2. Use it once (yeah right ), and if your test line is as dark as or darker than the referance line then you are pregnant.

He said that the only bad things about using the OPK are that

1. The OPK will pick up a + hCG before the doctor's office test but about two days after a beta test would pick it up (detecting 10mIU of hCG being between 7dpo - 9dpo ~ according to the average impant of 5-7 days), so if you are waiting to take a urine test at the doc's office, you would still have to wait.

2. It detects pregnancy so early that it will detect chemical pregnancy and early m/c pregnancy

3. Cannot be used reliably by PCOS patients if they have a high LH (as most do)

Ugh.  I'm a crazy person for the next two weeks.  Stay tuned for updates about the crazy lady.

Prick

After my acupuncture appointment today, I was aching. The points she hit were throbbing and sore, and I couldn't understand why it hurt so damn much this time around. My acupuncturist asked if I had been stressed out lately, as if that was the explanation for the pain...because it couldn't possibly be the fact she poked me with a NEEDLE. I considered her question for a minute and replied thoughtfully.

"Well, stressed, yeah. Maybe. Lesseeee...I had a miscarriage, so that's one thing. Then, I have to work for a pittance during an economic hell hole, that's two. And then my in-laws are visiting for 7 days beginning on Sunday...that's three. Then there's Thanksgiving with my dysfunctional Republican family next week. They'll be wearing black armbands because of Obama's win over their favorite sad grampa, McCain. OH, and my basal temps haven't spiked, so I haven't ovulated, and probably won't this month because of my psycho hormones. So, yeah. A SMIDGE STRESSED."

There was an awkward non-pregnant pause.

She took my pulse, said it sounded "great," and stuck me with another needle. I felt like the main character of Girl, Interrupted...depressed and aimless.

The only thing that made me feel better was remembering the other night when my husband absentmindedly tried to swallow an Airborne fizzy tablet instead of dissolving it in his glass of water like he was supposed to. He ran around the house yelling like a cat with a giant hair-ball stuck in his throat. He was chugging water at an impossible rate, trying to dissolve it, which was terribly amusing.

I nearly burst my kidney trying not to laugh, and even managed to ask him if he needed to go to the doctor. He just yelped at me, "DON'T TALK TO ME!!" and continued to run back and forth to the bathroom quickly with his distressed hands waving so fast and furiously I thought he might take flight. It was like having a Benny Hill episode come to life inside my living room...and it was awesomely funny. By the way, he's FINE, so I'm allowed to laugh hysterically now.

It's the little things that make life worthwhile.

One is the Loneliest Number

My numbers came back. My HcG is now at one.

On the good side of it, (if there is a good side of it) I don't have to have a D&C. It also indicates that I didn't have an ectopic. Everything expelled immediately, so I won't have any lingering tissue making infections in my uterus.

On the bad side, my HcG is now at one. It's almost as if it never happened, never existed, never conceived.

It's as if I was never pregnant at all.

Now the only question is, will I ever get pregnant again?

I've Got a Bad Case of OLD

The follow up visit to the doctor's office post-miscarriage wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, although I wept silently throughout the entire thing. I thought we would have to fight for fertility testing, because all the hubub begins after your THIRD miscarriage, which officially puts you in the "recurrent miscarriage" arena. That is the arena you do not want to be flirting with. It's a bad, bad arena.

So the testing begins when my cycle arrives. They range from hormone testing to sticking dye in my cervix testing. Neither sounds good, but I'm not complaining...yet.

The tests I'll be taking in two weeks are as follows:

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)
HSG is an x-ray procedure to view the inside shape of the uterus and fallopian tubes. This shows whether the tubes aqre open or damaged, and whether the uterine cavity is normal. Problems in these areas may make it difficult to become pregnant.

Estradiol
The estradiol test can determine the quality and quantity of your eggs. Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating eggs. Abnormally high levels on day 3 of your cycle may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve. On an LH surge, the levels should be 200-600 per mature (18 mm) follicle.

Prolactin
Increased prolactin levels can interfere with ovulation. They may also indicate further testing (MRI) should be done to check for a pituitary tumor. Some women with PCOS also have hyperprolactinemia.

Factor 5 Leiden
This is a coagulation disorder that can have serious implications on pregnancy and fertility. Factor 5 Leiden is a common thrombophilic mutation. The live birth rate is significantly lower amongst women with a history of recurrent early miscarriage who carried the Facor 5 Leiden allele compared with those with a normal Factor 5 genotype.

Homocysteine, Plasma
Elevated blood levels of homocysteine (a sulfur-containing amino acid) has been linked to a significantly higher risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke and heart attacks, and has also been implicated in Raynaud's phenomenon. Researchers at the universities in Bergen and Oslo now report that high homocysteine levels increase the risk of pregnancy complications and infant abnormalities. The researchers found that women with the highest levels of homocysteine (greater than 10.7 micromol/L) had an adjusted risk for preeclampsia (pregnancy-related hypertension) which was 38 percent higher than the risk among the women with the lowest levels of homocysteine (3.6-7.5 micromol/L).

Fasting Glucose
A healthy fasting glucose level is between 70-90, but up to 110 is within normal limits. A level of 111-125 indicates impaired glucose tolerance/insulin resistance. A fasting level of 126+ indicates type II diabetes.

Progesterone
On day 3 of your cycle, or the follicular phase level, an elevated level may indicate a lower pregnancy rate. At 7 dpo, a progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on natural cycles. There is no mid-luteal level that predicts pregnancy. Some say the test may be more accurate if done first thing in the morning after fasting.

The doctor said, "I'm hoping the tests show that you're perfectly fine. Miscarriages happen often, and it's usually because of a defective chromosome. The good news is that you're getting pregnant easily."

"I'm old." I said. "I feel like everyone is telling me that it's too late."

"Who said that?! I know I didn't say that!" She sparked up defensively.

I felt like poking her with a stick and yelling, "YOU TOLD ME ABOUT TEN TIMES THAT I WAS OLDER AND MY EGGS WERE OLDER, TOO. YOU TOLD ME I HAD A HIGHER RISK OF HAVING ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS CONCEIVING AND WITH MY BABY. AARRRGHGHHGGGG!!!"

But I didn't. I know why she told me that stuff...because it's all true. And yes, I am old to be trying. I'm old and I'm tired...but I I am not done yet. Rocky fought into his sixties, dammit.

Soothing Kitty

I am headed to the OB/GYN tomorrow for my follow up visit, and quite possibly, I will be probed and molested while being checked out with the trans-vaginal ultra-sound machine.  I'm hoping to get lots of blood drained so they can test for the various issues of infertility affecting women over the age of 35.  Best case scenario would be that I need progesterone suppositories to maintain my levels.  I repeat...suppositories = BEST CASE.   

So in response to my horrifying anxiety over this upcoming visit, I give you something soothing to watch in lieu of reading what my terrified psyche is spewing out right now, which resembles something close to nonsensical gibberish.

Anyway, here's the cat.  Enjoy!

Less a Woman?

I had a nagging doubt all weekend and the dreaded "What If's?" kept creeping back.  What if I can't have children?  What if I have Celiac's Disease and that's why I keep miscarrying?  What if it's all my fault?  Did I do too much acupuncture?  What if my husband leaves me for a fertile woman?

That last one was painful to imagine.  The man I have been with for ten years wants a baby that looks like him.  What if I can't give it to him?  Will he leave me for someone who can?  A younger woman would be more fertile, right?  What if he finds someone who has great eggs and is under the age of 35?

So, like a woman coming off of the HcG hormones, I blurted it out in a rage of hyperventilation and tears.  "ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME BECAUSE I CAN'T STAY PREGNANT?!"

With nary a pause, he looked at me with a crinkled nose and said matter-of-factly, "Why would I do that?  You are my  happiness."

Husbands.  Can't live without them.  Period.