1) I am a bloated whale and now weigh as much as my husband.
2) I have porn star boobs, which are unusable in a porn star way because of tenderness. The husband grazed a nipple the other day and I thought he had accidentally ripped it off.
3) EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS TO THE FETUS.
When I say EVERYTHING, I don't mean literally everything. Air and water are not dangerous to the fetus. But everything else? The equivalent of Anthrax, apparently.
This is annoying, to say the least. I can't eat anything without fearing a third arm or two heads. Fish is off limits, because of mercury levels. Soft cheeses are unpasteurized, which is considered bad, although I see a lot of French babies around, so I question that one.
Here is the short list of things I can't eat according to my OB/GYN and Acupuncturist. It's ridiculously long, and I am currently existing on organic, expensive dried fruit and beef jerky. I'm like a pregnant frontier woman.
ACUPUNCTURE NO-NO FOOD
Gluten (that's EVERYTHING gluten, including bread and pasta)
Shellfish
Peanuts
Pureed tomatoes
Soy
Tofu
Cold anything
Milk and milk products
Refined sugar
Avocado
Raw vegetables
Salad
Fried food
OB/GYN NO-NO FOOD
Unpasteurized cheeses
Large fish
Sushi
Deli meats
Raw eggs
Sugar
Juice, in large quantities
Soda
Most medication for anything, including cold and flu
Artificial sweeteners
Caffeine
Chocolate
So basically, if I combine both traditional and alternative medicines, I can't eat anything that tastes good. Everything that tastes horrible, coincidentally, is totally green lighted.
Not that I'm complaining, but I'm complaining. I want chili cheese fries. The FETUS wants chili cheese fries.
Low blow, I know, but I'm hungry.
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