A Version of a Version

I knew it. The baby is transverse. Sideways. I could tell because the kid kicks me all the live long day, and not gently.  He puts all his weight into it as if to say, "HEY, NO SLEEP FOR YOU, HUMAN INCUBATOR."  It has been a very bumpy ride so far.

I also knew when I would dare look in the full-length mirror without clothes and see that my belly looked like I had swallowed a chopping board.  It was very obvious this baby was either Stewie from Family Guy or transverse.

So the doctor took one look on the sonogram at my last appointment and officially declared it, and I said, "CALLED IT" rather loudly.  She laughed, and then paused uncomfortably before launching into her explanation as to why I should have this procedure that would correct the baby's position and land his head in my cervix.  A version.

A version requires me to actually go to Labor and Delivery and get a shot of medicine that will prevent contractions.  They insert an IV, which is always fun, and then give fluids to make sure I'm hydrated just in case I go into labor and have an emergency c-section.  Also fun.

When the medicine is given, the doctors take 15-20 minutes of the baby's heartbeat.  Then two doctors push on my lubed up belly.  One pushes toward my chest, and the other pushes toward my cervix.

When I asked people about the procedure, most online said, "Oh, it's not painful.  Just uncomfortable.  They gave me pain meds and an epidural"  I wasn't worried so much as curious when I got to the hospital to have it done.  I was so comfortable with the idea of the version that I didn't have my husband accompany me, just a good friend in case I needed her to call him for an emergency.

However, I didn't get pain meds.  Nor did I receive an epidural.  When the doctors started applying Herculean pressure onto my stomach, they squeezed out tears.  I'm here to say to all the online ladies that have had painless versions, MY VERSION HURT.

It hurt like a mother.  I couldn't imagine a worse pre-labor moment.  It was pain times ten.

I can't recommend the version for anyone with a pain threshold like mine, which is this:  I can handle pushing a 8 lb 3 oz baby out of my vagina.  That's how much a version hurt me.

And in the end, it didn't friggin' work.  The doctor tried...twice.  After the second attempt she looked at me and said, "It seems like he's pretty darn comfortable where he is.  Do you want to try a third time?"

To which I believe I said, "HELL no."

To add insult to injury, when they did a final sonogram to make sure the baby was ok, they found he had turned...to a complete breech position.  Basically, he went in the opposite direction, just to be spiteful.

Yeah, no more versions for me, thanks.