Ten Months

Someone wake me when he stops spinning circles around my comatose body, please.

The Baby Plague

When I mentioned to my friend that the baby had a runny nose and was cranky, her eyes widened.  Then she said there was a "THING" going around.  A big, nasty "THING" that doesn't go away.  It just stays around and tortures the baby until you all want to vomit and cry along with him.  The "THING" is going around, she said.

I pish-poshed and said, oh well.  This baby is impervious to this "THING."  He has not had a problem at all with "THINGS" since birth, aside from that little staph infection that planted itself on his little face for a week.  He's never had a cold, flu or virus, as far as I can tell. 

No sooner had I pish-poshed, the "THING" hit.  It hit hard.  The baby went from cute and adorable to OH MY GOD DISGUSTING SNOT EVERYWHERE.  It literally ran down his nose, into his mouth, and down his chin.  It saturated his clothing.  He would wipe his face with his hand, and before we could all yell in unison, "NOOOOO!!!"  he had snot smeared all over his eyes, cheeks, and forehead.  It was in his hair, ears and on his elbows.

Not only was my son covered in yellow sticky snot, he absolutely detested tissue.  I would come to him with a tissue, gently wipe his nose, and he would start howling like a car alarm.  Soon, he realized what I was coming to do when I would reach for the tissue box and start shaking his head before beginning his screams of agony.  To the outside neighbor watering his plants, it must have sounded like I was cutting off the baby's nose with a dull butter knife.

I let the snot go as much as I could, and eventually bought some saline and sprayed it in each nostril which went over as well as could be expected.  I cranked up the humidifier our psychic friend bought for us, even though we didn't register for it when the baby was born.

The snot turned from clear to yellow to green to OH SO MUCH GROSSNESS.  It was absolutely never-ending.  Yeah, I felt sorry for the little dude.  But honestly, I was starting to lose my patience with the "THING" that wouldn't leave.

I asked my friend how long the "THING" stayed around.  

"Oh, my kids had it for about two weeks."  She said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"TWO WEEKS?!  I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT TO TWO WEEKS!"  I cried.

"Oh, we ALL had it for two weeks."  She deadpanned.  The sympathy drained out of her voice quickly. After all, I just had one snot baby.  She had two.  Plus a snot husband.  Who was I to complain?

So I set the calendar to two weeks.  Five days passed.  Seven.  The snot dissipated a tad.  Now, on the tenth day, I am happy to report dry, crusty boogers instead of the river of mucus.

However, the baby lost his voice, and now he sounds like Harvey Fierstein.  It's distracting, but at least he's not clawing my face off when I come near him with a Kleenex.  

Sick Baby

Dear People in Charge of The Universe,

Really, what is the point of snot?

Signed,

Exhausted and Sleepy