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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Aunt Flow

My period has finally arrived.  Sarcastic WOO.

But I'm also expelling a genuine WHEW.  I'm relieved.  My body isn't broken.  It's functioning the way it's supposed to, with bleeding and blood and everything.  Bleah.

And before I'm accused of being an ingrate, yes, I'm grateful for my period.  It definitely means I'm still fertile Myrtle.  It's a gift from God with a card that reads, "Woo!  You're a woman!" Menstruation is a monthly woman's day celebration of potential life, I know.  I'm very happy to have a super-plus tampon shoved up there.   However, I do feel like I'm being gyped out of party hats and cake.  

Please tell me the tampon isn't the party favor.  GAH-ROSS.


Creature Comforts

I found one of those quirky, tacky quotes the other day that actually made me stifle a laugh. "Don't let anyone tell you something is impossible....in fact....with appropriate thrust pigs CAN fly!" Please don't tell anyone I like this quote. It's embarrassing, like being a member of the Minnie Pearl Fan Club.

But for whatever unknown reason, the quote hit a nerve. I was inspired by the hope it instills. And whenever doctors tell me I have old, decrepit eggs that won't ever be viable pregnancies, I'm going to pull a Scarlet O'Hara and say, "With appropriate thrust, pigs can fly! GOOD DAY, SIR!" And then I'll stomp out on my heel and slam the door behind me. It will be awesome and pathetic at the same time. Can NOT wait.

Speaking of discouraging ass hats, I read the article in the SFGate about the Mommybloggers. Ugh. I hate that term. It's so demeaning and more than a little sexist.

But what bothered me most about the article, aside the fact it was written poorly and without any pertinent facts or figures whatsoever, were the comments. They were brutal. I came away from reading them with the very clear opinion that people hate bloggers. More specifically, female bloggers with children.

I can't imagine why people would discourage others from writing blogs. More than likely, these "Internet Diaries" have saved many an innocent person from being the victim of a psychopathic attack by a repressed, emotional wreck with no outlet for their angst. Millions of lives have been saved by random ranting blog entries. Hallelujah!

But I've been getting the feeling that many people resent the pollution of their online world. These are the people who criticize others for not following the clean, neat little rules of the Internets. Their motto seems to be "If you can't be a sheep, don't log on."

However, bloggers seem to be sheep, too...a different type of sheep. The type of sheep that march to the bleat of a different drummer, perhaps? Couldn't resist. My bad.

The blogger sheep/lemming/follower is the type of person who is a little exhibitionist, mixed in with a tiny smidge of narcissism and self-loathing. The results of this mix of crazy can sometimes be brilliant, when it's not a hideous mishmash of incorrect grammar and poor sentence structure. I plead guilty.

I've always been a little bit of a blog-junkie.  I love reading them, although most are a mess and not worth my time.  Once in a while there is a gem that's worth bookmarking.  Those are the writers I admire.  They put themselves out there for all to criticize, hate, and flame.  

There are examples of writing that have touched me and evoked fairly strong emotions. Just by reading the words of a complete stranger, filling me in on the struggles in their life, I have been brought to tears.  These are the blogs that make all the work of trying to find something shiny amidst the muck and mire worthwhile.

After my miscarriage, I sought out women who have experienced something close to what I did. I couldn't relate to 99% of what I read. These poor women were sorrow-stricken and hysterical with grief. I simply wasn't that distraught. The only way to describe my feelings during that time is to use the word "empty."

However, I did find one blog that resonated. Before this woman finally conceived and gave birth to a lovely baby girl, she had a horrible time with infertility issues. I liked her writing style, and was transfixed by the fact she had experienced five miscarriages and was close to my age. She also wrote in a way that described her experiences with brutal honesty, dry humor, and a bitter resentment that made me feel closer to the truth of what miscarriage is for a woman.

Miscarriage is this: Loss. An evacuation of hope. A reason to give up. A line being drawn in the sand. You either step behind it and give up or step over it and dare to move on. Miscarriage points a finger in your face and screams, "Choose."

And then you pick up the pieces and start all over again.

Monday, July 21, 2008

What Would Have Been Amazing

Dear What Would Have Been Amazing,

You would have been amazing, I just know it.

You would have been smart, funny, sweet, compassionate, caring, generous-in-spirit, full-of-heart.

I have never met you, but I know you so well...like reading my own palm and seeing the future.

You would have been my daughter, my son, my best girl, by sweet boy. I would have loved you more than myself, I would have tucked you in at night and read you Dr. Seuss. I would have given you cookies before dinner.

Brown eyes, black hair, stubborn chin, button nose, lucky ears, fuzzy head. You were all these things to me. I imagined you in a swing, on a playground, eating sand, chasing birds, squishing the green grass between your toes. I would have called you over for goldfish crackers and kisses. All the names I wanted to give you, I will save for a better time. Pumpkin, scooter, cupcake, squirt, junior, sweet love.

There isn't a day I don't think of you, and wish you were here. There isn't a minute of any day I don't imagine you, wearing my smile, your daddy's laugh resonating. You are perfectly preserved inside my heart.

I believe in what could have been, as I believe in what will eventually come. And you, my sweet darling, will come again. You will be invented once more, and I will carry you inside me until you are ready to see the world. I will hold you in my arms as you scream and wail, shake your little clenched fist, and I will finally introduce myself to you.

And you will be amazing.

Jogging vs. Law and Order Reruns

Here I am yet again, hunched over my keyboard, watching Law and Order, waiting for my egg to drop.  Ahhh, the opulence of summer break.

At least I'm not eating mochi ice cream today.  Although technically, the day is not over yet.  I've been curbing my diet and trying to eat healthier foods, although this past weekend was a severe dip in my nutritional goals.  Korean BBQ, DAMN YOUUU...

However, I'm trying to get back on track.  Being pregnant for even a short time took a lot out of me, including my figure, my weight, and my hormones.  Unfortunately, I was one of those women who bloat to the size of a bouncy house in the first trimester.  I'd like to think that all this spare tire sitting on my waistline is just the remainder, and that eventually it will magically melt away.  One can only hope.

My trainer says my body may just be "healing" and "returning to normal" after all the trauma and turmoil of miscarriage.  Ach.  From her mouth to God's ears.

However, instead of working off that weight and going for a run right now, I choose to sit on my ass and watch reruns on television.  My excuse?  I'm tired.  I deserve a break.  I want to be a slug.  I want to do whatever I want.  I make decisions based on what my body wants to do, which is hibernate.

Ok, lousy excuses.  Stop yer bitchin'.  I'm out the door.  

Friday, July 18, 2008

The "What ifs" are Killing Me

The "what ifs" are driving me mad.  I can't seem to stop obsessing over them.  What if I get pregnant too soon after a miscarriage?  What if I get pregnant and have another miscarriage?  What if I get pregnant, get to my first trimester, and find out the fetus is going to be unhealthy?  What if I get pregnant and have the baby and can't manage my career and family at the same time?

And here's the most frightening one...what if I have no eggs left and that's why I haven't ovulated yet?

See?  Now they're driving YOU insane, too...by proxy.  

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Acronyms and Abbreviations...They're Not Just For Texting Anymore

Figuring out this list took me much longer than I care to admit.

Oh, and I still stand my my original advice...STAY OFF THE BABY THREADS. Most, if not all, are filled with misinformation. The problem is, there is a lot of good information on the sites themselves, just not on the talk boards specifically. Try to remember, that's all opinion and personal experiences that may pertain only to the person who posted it, and you may survive reading a few of them.

You also need to sift through the terrible baby/pregnancy sites to get to the good ones. Be cautious and be picky. There are some great websites out there, but they're few and far between. (Big obvious warning signs usually include weird picture of a baby scanned from some dude's iMac, and/or an obnoxious blinking add for a free "iPhod" if you hit the gopher with your computer's mouse, and/or an ad for The University of Phoenix Online "College.")

I really fight the urge to go on the pregnancy threads, because they make me feel confused, afraid, and generally turn me into a big giant maniac. Guaranteed, they'll make you freak out more than you already are, if you're TTC (Trying to Conceive). Ok, TTYL, I'm OTD and IOH...HAK and B4N <3.

Yes, I am a big geek.

14+3 - 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant
8dpo - 8 days post ovulation
1ww - One Week Wait
2ww - Two Week Wait (until you can take a pregnancy test)
AF - Aunt Flo (aka: You Friend, the Menstrual Cycle)
AFP - AlphaFetoProtein test
AI - Artificial Insemination
BBT - Basal Body Temperature
BC - Birth Control
BCP - Birth Control Pills
BD - Baby Dance (intercourse to produce a child)
BF - Breast Feeding
BFP - Big Fat Positive (regarding a pregnancy test)
BFN - Big Fat Negative (regarding a pregnancy test)
BIL - Brother-In-Law
BM - Breast Milk (NOT Bowel Movement...gross)
BO - Blighted Ovum
BP - Blood Pressure or Birth Plan
CB - Cycle Buddy (Someone who shares the same cycle/ovulation dates)
CD - Cloth Diapers or Cycle Day
CD4 - Cycle Day 4 (ie: the 4th day since the first day of your period)
CF - Cervical Fluid
CIO - Cry It Out
CM - Cervical Mucous
CP - Chemical Pregnancy
CY - Cycle
DD - Due Date or Dear Daughter
DH - Dear Husband (Significant other or spouse)
DF - Dear Fiance
DBF - Dear BoyFriend
DI - Donor Insemination
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
DS - Dear Son
DTD - Doing The Dance (Intercourse to conceive)
EBF - Exclusively Breast Fed
EDD or EDC - Estimated Due Date or Estimated Date of Conception
EMM - Expressed Mother's Milk
EP - Exclusive Pumping (Pumper)
ETA - Edited To Add
EW - Egg White (Cervical fluid that indicates pre-ovulation)
FF - Formula Feeding
FFH - Fortnight From Hell (The two weeks between ovulation and your period)
FIL - Father-In-Law
"Fluff" - Cloth Diapering
FMU - First Morning Urine
FOB - Father Of Baby
hCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (pregnancy hormone)
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
IF - InFertility
IMO - In My Opinion
ITA - I Totally Agree
IUI - In Uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
L&D - Labor and Delivery
LC - Lactation Consultant
LH - Luteinizing Hormone
LMP - Last Menstrual Period
LO - Little One
LP - Luteal Phase
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
MA - Missed Abortion (Ugh. Technical doctor speak)
MC - Miscarriage
MIL - Mother-In-Law
MM - Missed Miscarriage
MS - Morning Sickness
MW - MidWife
NAK - Nursing At Keyboard
NIP - Nursing In Public
NFP - Natural Family Planning
NPP - Not Preventing Pregnancy
O - Ovulation, or Orgasm, take it in context
OALD - OverActive LetDown
OB - Obstetrician
OP - Original Poster (To a thread or forum)
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
OT - Off Topic
PG - Pregnant
PPD - Post Partum Depression
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist
RPS - Real Pregnancy Signs
RRL - Red Raspberry Leaf (tea that supposedly "tones" the uterus)
S/A - Sperm/Semen Analysis
SAHM - Stay At Home Mom
SCDYD - Stop Causing Drama You Dinkalope
SIL - Sister-In-Law
"Sposies" - Disposable Diapers
TCOYF - Take Charge Of Your Fertility (book)
TMI - Too Much Information
TTC - Trying To Conceive
TTC2L - Trying to Conceive for Too Long
US - UltraSound
WAHM - Work At Home Mom
WTDBOAFTB - Whip The Darn Boob Out And Feed The Baby

Monday, July 14, 2008

Ugh.

I can tell I'm getting older because my tolerance level has dipped, along with my patience.  I'm getting sick of everything in quick order.  For instance, I sure am getting sick of peeing on my hand.  

Now, I don't just go into the bathroom, stick my hand in the toilet and pee.  I'm trying to track my ovulation.  This requires me peeing on either a) a little stick or b) into a Lilliputian sized cup. Unluckily for me, this is a sure-fire way to get urine on my hand.  No matter how careful I try to be, I always end up grossed out and disappointed.  

In addition, I can't seem to drop an egg to save my life.  It's not that I'm necessarily hoping to be impregnated so soon after miscarrying.  I'd just like to see that everything is in proper working order.  For some reason, I want to be comforted by a positive ovulation test.  It's the only thing that makes me hopeful right now, and I'm really counting on that little test line to be "equal to or darker than" the reference line soon.

Also, when it happens, I can stop peeing on my hand.  That's more key than the other crap.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Decisions of Mind vs. Body

Whomever coined it a "biological clock" needs to be put in a small room with barely enough air, and a gauge on the wall indicating when it will run out completely and he will suffocate (I know it must have been a "he").   That's what the Baby Race feels like...a biological ticking time bomb.

After seeing the high-risk OB/GYN today, I think I've discovered something finite...that nothing is finite.  To risk sounding like the blind guy from Kung-Fu, I've come across some thought provoking ideas that have been eating at me since this afternoon.  

1) Most of the answers you make will be clear to you too late.  

2) Most will be unpleasant choices you will be forced to come to terms with.  

3) All will be over-analyzed and discussed to death, Googled to shreds, and taken apart bit by bit until it doesn't even make sense anymore...kind of like saying "banana" over and over again until your brain refuses to recognize it as an actual word.

I've also discovered a new conundrum to the Baby Race I've inadvertently entered myself and my husband into...after miscarrying, I have to decide when to try again.

There are several schools of thought on the matter, but two are most prominent in the baby chat rooms on the Internet.  Don't wait, and wait.

In the "don't wait" corner, you have doctors who see no correlation between miscarrying a second time and getting pregnant right after the first miscarriage.  These doctors see no problem with trying again immediately, and claim there is nothing conclusive to prove that you need to "heal" anything except your broken heart in order to conceive again right away.  

The "wait" proclaimers seem to think that it's absolutely necessary to take at least a month to three months to let your uterine lining build up properly, and to get a few regular cycles under your belt before trying again.  In addition, it's easier to calculate dates when you know your cycle dates.  That's hard to do when you've just miscarried and bled for any crazy number of days.

Although I'd love to be in the "don't wait" corner of the argument, I have to admit, the other side has good points.  It all sounds more logical, unfortunately for me and my ticking time bomb of a biological clock.

But my body feels good.  I'm getting stronger, healthier, calmer.  I feel ready, emotionally and physically.  My mind is fighting logic and pushing me towards throwing the dice and just seeing what happens.  I never planned on returning to the pill, and I want to stay completely off medication as long as I can possibly tolerate it.  So if we happen to get busy, and the planets align on the night of a full moon, so be it.  I doubt it will happen this soon, but if it does, c'est la vie.

So I guess if I have to pick a side, I pick Doris Day...Que Sera Sera.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Ow. Ow. Ow.

The past week is fading, slowly but surely.  Drowning my sorrows in Law and Order marathons and donut holes definitely helped.  But now, the big question remains...what do I need to do to get myself knocked up?  Besides sex like bunnies, I mean.

The painful truth is staring me right in the face.  I need to work my body into shape again.  Admittedly, I've let myself go a little...or a LOT.  It's been a while since I've fit into my skinny jeans, and it's often that I cringe when I look in my closet for something decent to wear that won't make me look like Mrs. Roper in a muu muu.

This is the worst part about aging.  The way your body changes for the worse is somewhat cruel, even by Catholic school nun standards.  I'm missing those once familiar perky parts of my body that used to be suspended by invisible lines held up by angels.  My butt is somewhere around my ankles and my chest has started migrating towards my belly button.  Not cool.

However, I do feel better and look better when I am in shape.  I need to get back into my old self, and my very pricey trainer and uber-fancy gym is going to help me get there.  I've been working out non-stop since summer started, and I'm starting to feel the burn.

It's actually more like I'm starting to feel serious pain.  I hope this fetus-to-be appreciates the luxury accommodations I'm renovating for him/her when he/she moves in.  

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Time

Time is kicking me in the ass. Too much time. Too little time. Ugh.

I've spent too much time online, looking at the sites that tell me that I'm going to have a mutant baby if I try to conceive at this age.

And the other side of that is that I have too little time left to get pregnant. I'm basically a ticking time bomb, and every egg that drops is like the countdown on a clock...tick, tick, tick.

I don't know why I continue to look on the Internet. It's truly torture for anyone over the "magic age" of 35 who is trying to get pregnant.

Time. I've wasted too much of it listening to naysayers and reading Internet ramblings about the possibilities of having miscarriages, birth defects, and sick babies. Time to go outside, take a deep breath, and move forward.

But I did find THIS on the Internet...

  • Patricia McElhone (baby at 36)
  • Liz Hurley (baby at 36)
  • Bridget Moynahan (baby at 36)
  • Debra Messing (baby at 36)
  • Michelle Pfeiffer (baby at 36)
  • Hunter Tylo (4th child at 36)
  • Angela Kinsey (baby at 36)
  • Jennifer Garner (pregnant at 36)
  • Tea Leoni (2nd baby at 36)
  • Kathryn Erbe of Law & Order (2nd baby at 37)
  • Sarah Jessica Parker (baby at 37)
  • Tamzin Outhwaite (baby at 37)
  • Christy Turlington (2nd baby at 37)
  • Brooke Burke (baby at 37)
  • Stella McCartney (baby at 37)
  • Mary Lynn Rajskub (baby at 37)
  • Lara Logan (pregnant at 37)
  • Amy Poehler (pregnant at 37)
  • Amy Jo Johnson (baby at 37)
  • Dr. Linda Li (babies at 36 and 37)
  • Sarah Lancashire (baby at 38)
  • Jennifer Lopez, (twins at 38)
  • Anna Nicole Smith (baby at 38)
  • Greta Scacchi (baby at 38)
  • Minnie Driver (baby at 38)
  • Kim Raver (baby at 38)
  • Naomi Watts (baby at 39)
  • Catherine Keener (baby at 39)
  • J K Rowling (baby at 37 and 39)
  • Courtney Cox Arquette (baby at 39)
  • Fiona Fullerton (baby at 39)
  • Elle Macpherson (baby at 39)
  • Sarah Parish (baby at 39)
  • Cate Blanchett (babies at 36 and 39)
  • Samantha Bee (babies at 37 and 39)
  • Gillian Anderson (baby at 37, pregnant at 39)
  • Martie McGuire (IVF twins at 35, baby at 39)
  • Gwen Stefani (baby at 37, pregnant at 39)
  • Julia Roberts (twins at 37 and baby at 39
  • Bette Midler (baby at 40)
  • Kristen Scott Thomas (baby at 40)
  • Camryn Manheim (baby at 40)
  • Ulrika Jonsson (baby at 40)
  • Jeri Ryan (baby at 40)
  • Emma Thompson (baby at 40)
  • Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (twins at 40)
  • Brooke Shields (baby at 37 and 40)
  • Helen Hunt (baby at 40)
  • Mary Louise Parker (baby at 40)
  • Nicole Kidman (baby at 40)
  • Lisa Marie Presley (pregnant with twins at 40, expecting in 2008)
  • Halle Berry (baby at 41)
  • Dee Wallace Stone (baby at 41)
  • Helena Bonham Carter (baby at 41)
  • Amy Brenneman (babies at 37 and 41)
  • Linda Evangelista (baby at 41)
  • Jerry Hall (baby at 41)
  • Annette Bening (baby at 41)
  • Sian Williams (baby at 41)
  • Jennifer Beals (baby at 41)
  • Julianna Margulis (baby at 41)
  • Salma Hayek (baby at 41)
  • Julianne Moore (baby at 37 and 41)
  • Madonna (2nd baby at 42)
  • Mariska Hargitay (baby at 42)
  • Debi Mazar (baby at 42)
  • Lowri Turner (baby at 42)
  • Nina Garcia (baby at 42)
  • Caroline Quentin (baby at 39 and 42)
  • Meryl Streep (3rd child at 37, 4th child at 42)
  • Sarah Brown (wife of Gordon Brown - babies at 40 and 42)
  • Sophie, Countess of Wessex (baby at 42)
  • Annette Benning (2nd baby at 36, 3rd baby at 39, 4th baby at 42)
  • Ursula Andress (baby at 43)
  • Glenn Close (baby at 43)
  • Meera Syal (baby at 43)
  • Chris Evert (babies at 38, 41 and 43)
  • Kaye Adams (baby at 39 and 43)
  • Mariella Frostrup (baby at 41 and 43)
  • Laura Bennett (4th baby at 39, 5th baby at 40, 6th baby at 43)
  • Jo Whiley (pregnant at 42, expecting baby at 43 in October 2008)
  • Lisa Hartman-Black (baby at 44)
  • Iman (baby at 44)
  • Caroline Rhea (pregnant at 44)
  • Cherie Blair (baby at 45)
  • Jane Seymour (twins at 45)
  • Mimi Rogers (baby at 45)
  • Marcia Cross (baby at 45)
  • Patricia Hodge (baby at 42 and 46)
  • Jane Kaczmarek (babies at 41, 43 and 46)
  • Susan Sarandon (baby at 41 and 46)
  • Sarah Edwards (baby at 46)
  • Christie Brinkley (baby at 46)
  • Holly Hunter (twins at 47)
  • Angela Bassett (twins at 47)
  • Nancy Grace (twins at 48)
  • Helen Fielding (baby at 43 and 48)
  • Geena Davis (baby at 46, twins at 48)
  • Beverly D'Angelo (twins at 49)
  • Elizabeth Edwards (babies at age 48 and 50)
  • Adrienne Barbeau (twins at 51)
  • Cheryl Tiegs (twins at 52, with a surrogate and her own eggs)

So naysayers can bite me. The end.